Really struggling post abuse with blending family and no family support.

[Somethingstupiddone]

I am really struggling with my feelings at the moment. I feel like just hiding away in a hole. Living post abuse is really hard and I don’t have any support.

I had a 12 year abusive marriage I got out of. It was messy, courts battles and one shared child. Contact denied for many years at court. I did my best to clear up the utter mess and protect our daughter. I am proud of myself for getting out and wanting a better like for us.

Anyway roll on the years and I met another man. We eventually blended families and had another little one. His family have never really liked me. They have never taken the time to know me. I’m basically just trouble given my baggage. I’ve done everything in my life with no support and I’m just about getting sick of it now. It makes me feel shit the other DIL and kids get treated so much better. I’ve recently deleted all my social media as I’m sick of seeing her msgs telling the other DiL and family how much she loves and supports them am us nothing. I really deserve to be loved and support, the shit I’ve been through on my own. I’m just sick to death of never getting anything and I know I never will, not from these people.

Blending a family is hard, healing from abuse is hard….its 100 x harder with no support and constant judgment.

Im struggling with feelings of wanting to just end the relationship and hide in a hole.

Just to add it took years of us being together to blend the family. I left my marriage when she was a baby because he hit me and missed and hit her.

Sorry to hear this. What is your relationship with your partner like?

@SunflowerTed he is such a sweetheart but it definitely causes issues because I can’t help the way I feel, it’s impacting my self esteem. I hide it as much as possible. He has autism, what was know as Asperger’s so he is very mild but certain social issues go over his head.

I was very open when we met. He chased me for a date with me despite me telling him my past, I felt I should be open and honest. Things have been difficult at times as my oldest child will always have an abusive dad.
I know I’m not someone they would want as a DIL as I’m sure they’d want someone with less baggage.

Last week the FIL made a comment about how my partner won’t understand my problems because he didn’t grow up like this, he had a good stable upbringing. Just shot me down really. That’s what empathy is for isn’t it.

I just want to add my children are doing amazing, they are amazing. I’ve always been a shield for them. But they treat them differently and it’s just plain wrong and it is impacting me.

I wouldn’t give up the relationship but I would severely limit contact with his family. You have amazing children, which makes you a stable, loving mother. 💐

It sounds as if you have done an amazing job getting to this place.

don’t give up on the relationship just yet , they will be able to see your scars and will be worried about how this will affect their son. It’s going to take time.

as far as the social media posts go, how often did you post in support of your MIL? Positivity breeds positivity. I am not a fan of social media and don’t post anything which means I get left out of posts. It’s not personal it’s just how I interact with the platforms.

@Wolfpa She doesn’t post personally but she comments on the other family’s posts just not mine. She posted about how amazing being a grandma is and tagged the other DIL and not me. I’m sensitive I know I am. It’s extremely difficult healing from so many years of narcissistic abuse. It’s even more difficult knowingly being shunned. I’m trying to hard to build my self esteem. I feel like they think I’m dirty and not good enough which hurts a lot. I don’t want these feelings anymore.

It takes a society and connection and validation to heal. It feels impossible when you are always judged and rejected by people.

Have you had counselling? It sounds as if you need to focus on yourself for a while. Find a way where your confidence isn’t based on other people’s opinions.

has your husband said it is OK to post on social media? Lots of people are extra cautious for safeguarding issues when domestic violence is involved.

@Wolfpa I did a while ago as I suffered ptsd. I don’t suffer really anymore. I do struggle with feeling valued and I do get triggered in these situations. I know their opinion is not personal but it’s really hard not to be hurt.

He doesn’t mind, he posts also and it’s only our friends and family not loads of strangers we once knew. Lots of family in different country.

Of course you deserve respect, kindness and compassion.
You have been amazing in turning your life around for your children and yourself.
However, you cannot force decency from ugly people.
You have to choose YOU.
These people are not good to be around.
You need to try and accept that.
You cannot change them.
Explain it clearly to your partner.
If he cannot or will not support you then perhaps you are better off without him.
You need to spell out that there will be no further engagement with his family as you need to protect your children and yourself.
His relationship with his family is his business but you have every right to protect yourself and your children.
Some counselling would hopefully help ease the crushing load you carry.
Not being around those who make you feel bad about yourself and are unkind, is the first step to improving things.
Your mental health should be your priority.
Wishing you well.

@Jhgdsd I don’t think I carry the weight of making my partner choose between us or them. He is such a sweet person I hide all my feelings away because I don’t want him to make decisions like this. He loves his parents an awful lot.

All I will do is reinforce the belief I’m bad news to his parents, they will be justified then. It’s all toxic and I’ve had enough of this kind of life.