I’m always the one initiating

[Bigloudwallflower]

Husband and I have a pretty active sex life, we have high sex drives in general, mine probably being a little higher.

I’ve found though that I’m always the one who is initiating and if I don’t then my husband won’t. Last night we went to bed and I was tired granted but I wanted to be with him and he knew this so I waited it out but he never initiated and it just made me feel shit to be honest. The whole day I was dropping hints etc and just nothing. He was cuddling me telling me how much he loves me etc which he does every night and we’re generally very very happy. I feel like sometimes he does things just to keep me happy and I’m starting to fear sex might be on of them.

So just initiate it! I tried this, waiting for him some times, but it just causes frustration and resentment

Boring answer but… have you spoken to him?

Don't we do lots of things to please our partner? My husband makes me a real coffee every Sunday morning because I enjoy it. It would be easier for him not to bother - but he does it because he knows I like it and it feels nice. Maybe that's your husband with sex? Doesn't mean anything about what he feels for you. But he does it when you want.

Maybe I’m being a bit sensitive but he used to literally want me all the time, couldn’t keep his hands off me etc. we had a baby a year ago and I’m back down to my pre baby weight and I look and feel good. I’m going to talk to him this morning. I’ve said to him before his sex drive seems to have dwindled a little but he reassured me it hadn’t.

I get where you are coming from, you want him to “want” you in the same way you do sexually.

This is exactly it. I probably place a bit of an over emphasis on sex but it’s a massive massive part of a relationship for me. I’ve explained this to him before it’s not just the physical element of enjoying sex it’s about being close and nothing else in the world mattering in that time together. Sounds a bit cheesy but I’ve come to realise my own perception of sex over the years.

Look into spontaneous v responsive sexual desire. It could be that he's more responsive. I used to have this issue with my DH but then we had a baby and it's now him who does the initiating as otherwise I rarely would! I do get it though as this did used to bother me, back when I had the higher sex drive of the two of us.

But btw it's pretty normal for men's sex drives to get lower in the immediate post baby years just like women's. Taking care of a baby lowers testosterone and then there is always the tiredness etc.

But from evolutionary point of view, it's completely plausible in the post baby phase. The sex drive can dwindle for both a man and a woman, especially if they didn't overthink sex and overemphasise it that much. If that's the case, you mustn't force yourself like that with hints and that, and just let him want it naturally. Nothing worse than over hinting , I'd find it annoying and also like my partner is turning into a sex-pest.Turn off galore!

Had a chat with him there. He said he thought I was tired last night. Men never listen do they.

@Bigloudwallflower have fun tonight then! 😅

@Secondstart1001 that made me laugh 😂

You have a baby and an active sex life - you are winning at life! I'd just let things be tbh, your dh is probably tired. Me and dh have less sex now than before and I'm totally ok with that. I'm sure things will pick up again once my toddler starts nursery! It can't be fireworks and passion at every life stage, that's unrealistic imo.

I think I have a very skewed emphasis on sex. It’s a massive massive deal to me. Don’t get me wrong I fancy my husband so much and I would be with him 5 times a day if I could but don’t have that capacity anymore. I’ve been very stressed lately with work etc so think I was maybe being over sensitive. We both worked from home today and he was a lot more attentive and handsy and I was like dont do that just because I want you too. Tbf the poor man can’t win.

@Bigloudwallflower for me love and sex are very interlinked prob more so than they should be at times. I do fancy the pants off my Dp which doesn’t help!

Sometimes if I’ve been unwell my Dp will be affectionate but wait for me to initiate sex as he wants me to feel well before he thinks to try for sex, which I find really caring. I wasn’t used to this as my ExH would never think in this way. Seems your DH was thinking that last night when he thought you were too tired!

But sometimes just for my sanity I’ve waited for him to initiate and it did feel really good when he did ( though I’ve also felt that shitty feeling you felt this morning at times). I think clear communication like how you and your DH addressed it this morning are the key! I’ve started to do this more and so has he!

In your original post you said you were tired , so he probably was listening to you

sounds like the bloke is going to be in the wrong no matter what

Yeah I’ve said that in my last post.

Can confirm we had great fun 😝

@Bigloudwallflower 😅😅😅😅