Should I (F39) end my 3 year relationship with my best friend of 9 years (M44)?

[Emsul84]

I have never posted here before and have created an account just for this so here goes. My bf and I have been together for 3 years but have been great work friends for 9. We have supported each other through divorce and mental health issues (as well as having fun and sharing good times!) while we were friends and eventually caught feelings and gave the relationship a chance. He has two kids in high school and my two are primary school age.

We don't live together. He lives 40 minutes away. I spend more time at his house because of his work and pet commitments and it works with our different custody arrangements. I was reluctant for him to spend too much time with my kids to begin with in case things didn’t work out. We discussed the possibility of moving in after a year of being together but he needs a lot more space than I do and I liked the idea of retaining my independence, as well as not having to uproot and unsettle the kids.

We have just got back from a holiday without kids and we had the most amazing time, as we always do. When I'm with him we laugh and smile and share and communicate about big and little things but also happily sit in companionable silence, give each other time and space, do our own thing. He is very supportive of my goals and I feel like Ive grown massively as a person since I've known him. Because we don't live together we don't have any room mate disagreements and share chores effectively when we're together. Sex life is great too!

He has his quirks. Like I said, he needs his own space, doesn't communicate a lot when we're not together (although responds if I message, albeit a bit delayed), lacks empathy sometimes, can be snappy when tired or poorly, can be extremely stubborn and doesn't like being told what to do!

We got back off of holiday yesterday and went our separate ways. I've had a great couple of days with my kids but I feel like there is something missing in my life. Our holiday is the longest we've spent together and now I feel a bit lost. I've had these feelings before, where I feel like I want someone who I can share all the best bits of my life with, who could have been there barbecuing with me today and come on the treasure hunt with the kids. But I love doing those things by myself too, I just get lonely sometimes. When we're apart I often feel like I'm not in a relationship at all. I think I ultimately want to share my life with someone in a more conventional way but I'm not sure if I'd like the reality of the loss of independence or if I'd ever meet someone who is as compatible with me in every other way. We have talked about this before but I don't know what needs to change to make me feel happier when we're apart. Is it time to walk away?

Edit: Just to add I am jetlagged and I've quit vaping since coming back from hols so probably not in the best place emotionally.

TLDR: Living apart together couple but I'm potentially seeking a living together together relationship which isn't on the cards for 10 years realistically. But don't want to lose someone great! Is it time to walk away?

You can walk away if it's not suiting you anytime !

But I don't think it will be easy to find an unattached partner with no other commitments and who gets well enough with your kids to move in with - at this time of life most people will have their own kids and if not why? Even if you met someone promising tomorrow how soon should you introduce to your kids anyway?

Maybe a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush!

Of course you feel a bit sad after a great holiday and then back to the day to day. It sounds like you both like your independence and it wouldn't all be roses if you were together all of the time. Maybe you have the best of both worlds, when you're not feeling the pain of being apart after such a good time together, how does he feel today? Is he missing you too?

I understand your sadness at not having day to day
But with both of you with young kids it actually sounds like a great set up.

But. You have the power to choose to separate if you wish. What do you think is best for the kids? (And yes I do think they come first...as they will have no say on your choice of BF or if you decide to move one in.)

I'm confused - why is your first thought to end it? Why aren't you discussing the possibility for f him moving in? I get that you both didn't want that before. But things change. Sounds like you have a good relationship!

Lots of people like living apart and the independence aspect, but it sounds like you are someone who might be better suited to living together? Maybe worth having that discussion again, to see if you could make it work?

You can't really move in with eachother anyway, location wise with dc at different schools. Plus maybe this is just you being emotional. Your current set up normally suits. Is it possible that if you now suggested this he would see you as needy, and might not want to change it to moving in with eachother because the current situation suits him fine? Plus as a pp said your default thought of finishing it is odd.

If your first reaction is to end the relationship then I’d say that you’re not actually that into him.

So you have a good time when you’re together, but realistically, if you end the relationship you could end up on your own forever. Because there are no guarantees. Online dating is actual hell, where most people never meet anyone worth having, or take years to meet someone who isn’t married or a freak.

Then add in 6/12 months before introducing them to the kids, then a couple of years before you can move in together, so you’re talking maybe five years before you have that situation where you’re always together, give or take. By which time you could be in a good position to think more long term with your BF. And that’s assuming you meet someone, which you might not.

FWIW I’ve been with my DP for eleven years, and during the week he works 120 miles away. On many levels it works for me. I have my own space, and had time on my own with my DC during the week, and he came down at weekends. We’ve always talked about living together but because of various practicalities that hasn’t been possible.

It’s only recently that I’ve started to actually think that the relationship probably isn’t going to go the distance because additional things have happened which mean that we’re unlikely to ever be in a position to liv together and he’s fed up of travelling, and because I work erratic hours, evenings and weekends, me travelling to him just isn’t practically possible, added to which, he’s worked for the same company for over 20 years, so as if his changing jobs wasn’t already going to be hard he’s just been promoted into his dream job at work so it’s made things impossible.

But if we split it will be because it’s what he wants. I’m happy the way things are, and if we split I have no intention of looking for another relationship, possibly ever.

It seems it would be really sad to walk away. It's normal to be missing that closeness when you come back from spending time together. I suggest sitting down and making a proper plan for how your lives can come together. Does it really need to wait 10 years? 40 minutes is not a huge distance in the grand scheme of things, and it may be that a partway point could be identified which would enable you to come together into one household sooner with a bit of logistics planning around the kids pick ups/drop offs, but would need a lot of thought about how much space was needed and discussion with the kids. Have all the kids met each other, for example?

If you really can't bring your lives into one household sooner, consider how can you plan in more regular time together just the two of you? Do you have weekends when neither of you have the kids and can you earmark some of those for having little mini breaks or special romantic weekends so that you are really making time and space where the other is the priority?

It sound like you have post holiday blues. Your setup appears really positive for everyone on the whole, and I think you're wise to keep your own independence.

Sit with these feelings for a while though, and see if they continue after you've settled back into your routines. Try to figure out what's specifically niggling at you.

All your comments make complete sense. Its definitely interesting that my first reaction is to end things rather than talk about it or adjust back to our normal routine, which works well 95% of the time. We get time together on our own, time with his kids and less frequently with my kids or all of us together. Sometimes it feels like the balance is a bit off but I love the relationship I have with my kids and in reality I wouldn't want to lose that by blending families. The kids have met and get on, we've spent weekends together and been on holiday together with another holiday booked this summer.

I don't know if he's missing me, I haven't spoken to him since we got back... We don't often talk on the phone when we're not together but I might call him today I've been busy with my kids and I wanted him to have the time with his. He would definitely see it as needy if I brought up living together, we've made that decision already and it would be quite destabilising for all 6 of us I think.

I am definitely quite emotional, the big 4-0 is 5 weeks away, hence the trip and there's definitely an element of reflecting that live hasn't turned out quite the way I wanted it.

@IAmThe1AndOnly Your points about Internet dating are valid! I've had awful experiences before and can't be bothered to go through that again. I think I know really that this is a great relationship but not perfect... none are. We're fortunate that financially we can afford to live apart and get best of both worlds. It feels like my choice is living apart and not being 100% happy with that or being single, probably forever!

I just wonder why your first thought was to end it?

I live with someone with BPD and it's sometimes not easy. Not saying it's the same, but the mood swings, lack of empathy, stubbornness, needing plenty of space..these traits are similar to ones you mentioned in him.
I'd honestly say breaking up wouldn't be the best idea. Neither would living together probably.
It sounds like you've a good relationship as it is, it's just you want the nice bits all the time. Understandably, but holidays with someone you live with are often not as fun!

It sounds like you want more connection when you aren't together. I think I'd want to feel some day to day interest and investment in my life even if not living together.

It all sounds pretty good to me! You sound as if you put your dc first, which is absolutely right. You have post holiday blues where you've been away and both holidayed like you have no responsibilities but now it's back to reality. I'm not sure what you can change about the current set up, but ditching him seems a bit drastic.

How old are his kids? If they are late teenagers, his commitments will lessen from 16 onwards as they fly the nest. Perhaps talk to him about whether that might be a point in the future when you can bring your lives closer together. If they are at High School, presumably this is imminent in an adult timeframe (meaning a few years).

Why blow away something you have in the hope of something better that might not come along and regretting it in three years time when he might have been able to move closer?