TW self harm, suicidal ideation. I’m not sure what to do to rectify this or help

[Noshadealltea]

This might be a long ramble.

Background, been with partner for 4 years, just had a baby through ivf (my parents helped us out with the cost). It’s my birthday on Tuesday and my grandmas birthday tomorrow so we (me, partner, baby, my sister, my mum, dad and nana) went for a meal today.

Partner doesn’t like my parents, because he thinks they don’t like him and look down on him. My parents try their best with partner but they aren’t great at communicating and can be a bit blunt/difficult and partner is very sensitive, can be difficult and already has his back up because he thinks they don’t think he is good enough. Nothing I say/they do changes this feeling.

During the meal a conversation was had. I have heard both sides (from my sister and then later on partner - I was away from the table dealing with the baby) and it sounds like partner has taken something my parents said completely the wrong way and overreacted.

When we got home partner launched into a rant at me about my parents, and made me feel like he was angry with me. We spoke about it and things calmed down and we went to see some friends up the road where things were fine.

Got home and partner went all quiet and didn’t really engage in conversation so I put the telly on, after a bit he came to cuddle so we did a bit, but I was watching my show and he then pulled away to the other side of the sofa. He apparently then said as I was ignoring him he would go to bed - I didn’t hear him because I was watching my show and I guess he said it under his breath?

Huge argument ensured where he ended up storming out of the room, slapping/punching himself in the head and telling me he wanted to die.

This quite frankly has scared the hell out of me. I have a 10 week old baby and now I’m terrified about the mental state of my partner.

I don’t know what I can do to help him, I’ve never seen him do anything like this before, and I’ve got a long history of being in very abusive relationships prior to this one, and I feel extremely frightened for my daughter, myself and for him.

I don’t think he would hurt either of us, but what I saw tonight scared me and I don’t know how or what I should do to deal with it. A meal with my parents for my birthday should never have ended in anything like this.

I don’t know what I wanted from writing this down, but I can’t talk to anyone i know about this until I can work out how I feel about the whole situation.

Feel like i should add, neither of us drink so there was no alcohol involved in this

Gosh, ok. I would personally see if you could move back in with your parents for 6 months. Tell partner that you understand that he is struggling with his mental health, but he needs to realise that now, of all times, the priority needs to be firstly your baby and secondly you as a new mother.
Tell him that if he seeks guidance and help regularly and follows through you will return to the family home in 6 months time.

Men's mental health is extremely important, but if it were my son I would completely encourage my DIL to take the time she needed to bond with baby, keep herself healthy, strong etc before thinking about someone else.

Uh… I really doubt this is actually new behavior. You probably forgave or ignored how emotionally underdeveloped and immature your partner is because he was different from your previous, abusive, partner. However his method of handling his distress is very concerning even if you don’t perceive yourself to be in imminent danger.

Basically, for whatever reason (childhood trauma, poor and unsafe parenting, personal choice) he responds to disappointment and shame or conflict with outbursts of self harm.

You did not cause this. The dinner did not cause this. He is a grown man and a father and he has a duty to address his inner demons and learn to manage himself.

I agree with others: your first priority must be your infant. He needs to move out and get help but however you end up you need to separate until he has had enough therapy to handle himself. His behavior will be devastating to you and your child as they grow old enough to witness it.

I agree that he needs to seek some help for this. And that the baby and I should go somewhere else whilst he does that, but I don’t know how to broach that conversation. I don’t at all want my daughter to ever see him or anyone do anything like that and if I have to leave then I will.

I just want him to see and change this behaviour, I was up all night thinking about it.