If you put men's needs above your own in the past, how did you overcome this behaviour?

[thatswhatidid]

And did you work out why you were doing it ?
I am in the throes of therapy for this exact behaviour.

I put their needs above mine and it was never reciprocated to the same degree but became an expectation. I am not dating presently but am talking to a man who has been described as kind, decent and lovely. I don't know him to say that. Others do. I want to break the pattern.

I see that as my dad was an alcoholic, he was essentially absent. My only brother was the golden child. My ex husband was a selfish man child so I had to parent and manage our lives and home solo. He's gone thank goodness. Next I was in a relationship for two years and again became a care taker of sorts.

I am
Determined not to repeat this pattern and I would appreciate any experience or advice .
I want equality and care and love and have tonnes to give back.
Any help appreciated, thanks.

You sound like a wonderful person. All the hardship you have been through has made you realise what you want. Good luck with the therapy and finding someone who deserves you.

Thank you for such a lovely message this morning 😍

I was raised to put everyone’s wants above my own. In my 60s and still being pushed by DM to spoil my (entirely independent and well-to-do) children.

Menopause changed my outlook, I think it must be hormonal. I don’t base my actions on what a man wants (needs, would like, deserves) although the men around me are lovely. We all have limited time and capacities and have to make our own way - if I’m not sure what I want I trust my gut.

Don’t start dating again until you are sure that you want to, or go further than you feel comfortable with. It’s OK to pause and say you aren’t ready for the next step.

A certain personality type will be more susceptible to this. I don't like conflict. I am definitely a people pleaser. I'd rather put myself out than deal with someone giving out about something not going their way etc.

I am now late 40s and I've changed! I think it literally just took age, a bit of maturity and life experience. I am married to an alcoholic who I enabled for far too long. I stopped enabling him 5 years ago, and he hasn't drank since! I put up with a lot of shit from him due to his drinking. The day I drew my line he knew I meant it and all that behaviour also stopped.

I don't know if I could have changed by myself, maybe I would have. But therapy helped me. It helped me realise I was accepting "unacceptable" behaviour. I am a soft soul. I do tend to see the best in people and situations rather than immediately think the worst or go on the defensive with people. To be honest, that's something I like about myself and I don't want to change that. I'm sure I'll get burned a few more times by people who don't deserve my kindness, but I'll be much quicker to see the signs now and pull away from the situation.

I've also learned that it's ok to put myself first occasionally. If doing something for someone else is really going to inconvenience me I've learned to make my excuses. I will still put myself out for certain people. I'm just more selective now 😊

I’ve just started learning to- I put down boundaries with three men in the last week and it feels absolutely revolutionary. The relief of my chest when I am choosing me not their needs is quite something. Even though I do still feel the deep anxiety at the guilt I feel for potentially offending/hurting them

For me it's a case of becoming generally more assertive. I've always been a people pleaser but after my DH died it really changed me. For the first time I saw first hand how self absorbed most people are. I developed an internal "fuck it" attitude, although I'm not rude and unpleasant.

I found that although I changed (established boundaries), men didn't (continued to push said boundaries and have mantrums), so I “retired” from servicing men and started to enjoy life. I’ve been single for over 10 years now, and it never gets old.

Thank you all so much . I've really tried to watch my reactions to exchanges especially over the last few weeks as I have been chatting to a man that may have potential!!!

I realised I'm anxious .
I'm convinced he will cancel the date next weekend just because he hasn't responded to my text immediately and has been online , despite chatting daily for a couple of weeks .

It's ridiculous but I'm determined to really heal here and tighten up these boundaries .

Absolutely.

I had to split up with someone on Saturday. It really upset me. But the relief is incredible.

Driving back from work today and I really thought clearly about the things he had done/not done and said and I realised I wouldn't ever dream of being such a dickhead to anyone!