Am I an awful person for lying and keeping a secret from my family?

[Somethingstupiddone]

If you did something stupid when you were younger that you wish you didn’t but can’t do anything about it is it ok to keep it a secret?

It’s not illegal no one was hurt. I really don’t want to say it because it was stupid. I suppose I’ll have to because otherwise it makes no sense.

I entered unknowingly into an abusive marriage. I was kind of coerced into marrying him in secret so my family didn’t know. He made it out that he “needed to get married” I won’t go into details why but it was awfully emotional. I was so naive and I didn’t want to tell my family because I knew really it was silly but I felt so bad for his story. Anyway roll on the years and I was trapped in this controlling emotionally abusive marriage. Stupid I know. He threatened me he would tell everyone what a liar and a terrible person I was if I left him.

Roll on over a decade and I eventually decided I couldn’t take it and I left him and filed for divorce. It was a shit show and I did get ill. Anyway I did manage to divorce him on my own at court. I’ve never told anyone. I was so ashamed to tell anyone. After all the threats he never did anything. He met another lady and that was that.

The thing is, I still have this secret. I love my family very much but I don’t think they would understand what I did. They don’t know about the abuse, I kept that secret. I’ve moved on and I’m happy. I’ve already lost one parent.

Is it ok to just bury it in and move on. I don’t think I could take hurting my family over my stupid mistake. Does this make me an awful person?

If they dont need to know and it is over and done with then leave it at that. I have plenty of secrets from my family and I do not feel guilty about it at all.

You don’t owe it to anyone to share this. You’ve done amazingly well in getting yourself free. Doing that with no support must have taken incredible strength. I hope you give yourself credit for it.

If you ever want to open up about it all then do so, but make sure it’s with people you really trust. I’m so pleased you’re happier now, you deserve it.

You're probably always going to worry about it, so coming clean may be cathartic for you.

What's it got to do with anyone though, sure they will be very shocked that you kept it quiet. But once it's out it should make you feel better and less on edge

I don’t think it would make me feel better at all to tell them. I don’t want them to feel sad because of me.

@AnneLovesGilbert I don’t know how I did it I just knew I wanted rid of that man. I lost my dad through proceedings also so I felt so so bad but I turned up for all the chemo appointments no matter what. What I did was not a reflection on them.

Do you mean that your family didn’t know you were in a relationship at all, or simply that they didn’t know you were married to your partner?

Have you ever spoke to a professional about the abuse you suffered? It sounds like you really might benefit from talking with a counsellor.

@EllieQ they didn’t know about the wedding, well I signed a piece of paper no actually wedding.

Is this a secret, or is it just private? A 'secret' implies something the other person should know and you're choosing to withhold it. But this is your private life, you don't owe anyone an explanation. You can choose to tell anyone or no-one. I do agree with @Hermittrismegistus , though, it would be worth talking over with a counsellor.

That sounds so hard, Op. You are being incredibly critical of yourself I think, you were in an abusive relationship and you got out. That's something to be proud of.

Whilst I totally understand that this is your information to share, or not, big secrets like this have a way of getting out.

I second the suggestion to get counselling from a qualified therapist.

Your post sounds like you are still taking all the blame for getting into the abusive marriage. I don’t think you were stupid or even naive. I consider myself to be intelligent and quite savvy, but I’m just emerging from a 30 year abusive marriage. These abusers seek out people who don’t think like them.

People who are honest and without ulterior motives just don’t realise when they are dealing with liars and manipulators. Please don’t blame yourself for being young and honest.

After you have had therapy you may feel differently about telling your family.

Another viewpoint is that they love you and only want your happiness. They may be hurt to know what really happened, but they may also want to be part of your journey to heal from an abusive marriage. It’s possible your past behaviour has confused them and if you did explain what was really going on, all they would want to do is offer love and support.

The fact you are more concerned about hurting them and having so little expectation from them to be a comfort to you says a lot about you or them.

If you do get therapy, you can then decide wether to tell, it will be up to you.

If you don’t think they would react well and try to blame you for not telling them before, then that would be a good reason not to tell.

Youve had a traumatic experience that wasn’t your fault, and the fact you still feel shame and guilt over it suggests you are still carrying blame for it.

I wish you all the very best for your future.

I have had therapy. I’m past the abuse now, I know it was his fault. I know I didn’t have the strongest boundaries and I am someone who always sees the best in people regardless. I protect myself now and have a nice family and 2 children. My parents would not have understood, my mum is Autistic and she would absolutely not have understood. She is extremely rejection sensitive so I will not get from her what I want. I have always wanted support and I still to this day get jealous of people who have supportive families. My dad is gone now, I know he would have loved me despite it all. Telling would just cause a situation. It’s just this small part of me that feels bad despite it all.