How can I banish this insecurity? Or is it a good thing?

[Illbefinejustbloodyfine]

New relationship. Going well, really like him. But struggling with feeling like I'm more into it than him. To be clear, he gives me NO indication that this is the case. He's lovely to be, considerate, thoughtful, in touch a lot (phone, some messages)

It's definitely a me problem. Will it go as I get used to having someone like this who really does seem to care? My marriage changed me a lot in this respect unfortunately.

Insecurity can be a horrible feeling, but this shows that perhaps your self esteem has been knocked by your marriage. I would say that your new partner is showing that actions speak louder than words and he's showing you that he's into you. I've been with my partner nearly 5 years (following my marriage breakdown). It took him a year to say he loved me (I wasn't going to do it first!) and we still don't talk about the future, but his actions speak loud and clear that he's into me: he's caring, reliable, makes time for me and is keen to get our kids together. A slow burn is a good one. Relax and enjoy it x

Thank you so much, you're absolutely right about my self esteem. He really does make me feel good but I have a tendancy to question (internally) things.

It's early days (also a slow burn!) But there have been minir discussions about the future, instigated by him.

It really is a horrible feeling though, I hope it goes away soon.

You have recognised your feelings and in time you will rationalise them/ feel more confident to discuss them with your partner (but not yet, it's too early in the relationship). My partner is so kind and pretty switched on emotionally, and I can assure you that I still have bouts of insecurity. As an example, we only see each other a couple of times a week due to children. I went over to his and we only had a couple of hours together. I thought we might have had chance to have some intimate time but he didn't seem interested. I went home feeling really sad and rejected, although this is obviously over the top insecurity and I recognise that. I brought it up with him last night and he was so kind saying things like 'I'm sorry you felt like that. You should have said. There wasn't much time and I was tired'. Even after this long together I have insecure bouts (and I am a confident person, lots of friends etc). I think after the security of marriage, it's a whole different ball game and I'm still getting used to it after all this time. It's not the same as being in your 20s (I'm in my late 40s), when you meet, get married and have kids. My partner may not have proposed or talked about us living together, but he has booked a night away and a holiday for us later in the year and for me, his actions are loud and clear.

Thank you @Chocaholicnightmare . It's a minefield to navigate it if I'm honest. That said, I had such a great day with him today. I think I will get used to it in time sbd the insecurities will fade (if things carry on as they have been).

Good for you and good luck, he sounds great. Enjoy the present and try not to worry about the future x

My husband was a slow burn, and to be honest to begin with I didn’t feel a spark with him. I did once try to break up with him, as I couldn’t see it going any further. Infact I said I love you first because we were about to move in together and neither of us had said it yet! Luckily he said it straight back and we laughed about how stubborn we had been. It’s the longest I’ve waited or had to wait to say the L-word. It’s been a totally different relationship from the start to any other I’ve had. I even said to my parents before they met him, not to be shocked but he wasn’t my usual type. Just to point out, I’d always been in very affectionate loving relationships, that would always end up bad. Either emotionally, cheating or/and domestic abuse. There was only ever words and minor gestures but no safety or security. It’s easy for a guy to say the right thing, but to do the right thing is different. With my husband, although he’s not very affectionate (no PDA or gooeyness) he shows me he loves me different ways. He’s the first man I’ve ever felt safe with, not just physically but mentally too. I feel looked after for the first time in my life after years of awful relationships. The second time we met, I went through an awful time with my daughter’s Dad after he refused to hand her back and I had to go through emergency court proceedings hundreds of miles away to get her. Most men would have ran a mile, but he knew I was upset and came over to stay with me, even though it meant he had to get up at 5am to get to work. He then attended one of the court hearings with me so I wasn’t alone. He’s paid for pretty much all the bills so that I could sort out the debt my ex had left me in. He pays for my daughter and me to go on holiday. The roof over our head. He even pays for me to go to a private Dentists’s because I was struggling to get one on the NHS! Like someone else has mentioned, it’s the actions that prove it. I’m all for slow burns, and think they’re the best relationships! Please try not to worry OP, and enjoy it x

@MamaMountain feeling safe and looked after is exactly it. It's a revelation.