Perspectives on ex’s as friends

[FallenFigs]

I’d like some perspective/advice on whether it is wise/possible/practical to have a friendship with an ex.

background: 7 month relationship, ended due to changes in practicalities/DC/commitments meaning it just wasn’t possible to get together enough for a ‘proper’ relationship. No betrayal of trust or anything unpleasant.

Friends are unanimous that I should maintain no contact. I struggle with this - we built a friendship as well as a romantic connection and I am sad to think we’ll lose that.

i would like perspectives on whether it’s possible/advisable to maintain a friendship with an ex in a way that is mature, supportive and respects the friendship we built, whilst allowing us to move on romantically?

How would the friendship work, what would you do together etc?

It's entirely up to you but in my experience, having nights out, activities etc doesn't work when you have a new relationship. You can be friendly, if you bump into one another but for me, that would be it.

It can work in these circumstances (no betrayal etc), but in my experience it's more likely not to work.

I have friendship with all my ex partners, except one of them. Though with time, I hardly speak to any of them.

I'd consider if it's really worth your time? Sure he can be a nice guy and you can think well of him, but why the need to be friends?

Honestly, tried that and it just gets complicated. Better to always have a clean break and move on with your lives separately.

I disagree, I think it is perfectly possible to be friends if there is enough time and energy to do that. Yes it might take a bit of time to fully move on but just take that time.

The one area is that if in time you are in a new relationship, many men will be unable to cope with it. (And the same with him getting into a new relationship.)

I don’t see it as being complicated.

My experience is an ex, if you remain 'friends', either spends time hanging around the edges of your life trying recreate the relationship, or reacts resentfully to any new relationship.

Running into them on a busy high street, saying hi, and moving on is the best I think you can hope for.

The need to be friends - or the wish to be - is that when you grow to care for somebody, be that a friend or a partner, I don’t like them to exit my life completely. lot of things in common, as for other friendships, and I don’t see the need for that to expire.

Unlikely to bump into each other. There’s a difference between being in ‘friends’ status (ie no hard feelings) and having an active friendship, no?
Friendships require effort and reciprocation.

I'm with @Guavafish1 .

I'm friends with all my exes (M&F) bar one (& that's her decision).

Some of them I still go for days out with - hiking, climbing, dinner, theatre, coffee, walks, tennis etc.
Some of them it's just occasional texts and emails (mostly due to distance these days).
I invite them to parties and gatherings, they've usually met each other and my current partner of the time.

If I liked them enough to have a relationship with them, then I certainly like them enough to be friends.

I have always wondered about the (negative) reaction of many people to being friends with an ex - I wonder if this is because many people aren't actual friends with the people they have relationships with. Or because their experience is of relationships ending badly, with cheating or worse, where it's understandable not to want to continue.

I trust my partners if they're friends with their exes, and I expect them to trust me (which they have).

And I do also agree that if one party didn't want the relationship to end, rather than it being amicable by mutual agreement, then you might need a period of time apart to get used to the new reality before you can resume a friendship. But not always, if you've just grown apart or realised you don't get on in that way/want the same for the future etc.

This. I’m good friends with a couple of mine.

I think in your case I'd agree with your friends and go no contact because of your relationship ending due to changes in practicalities/DC/commitments as opposed to you both realising you weren't getting on romantically but got on really well as just friends. It sounds like you'd still be together if it weren't for the logistics therefore I think trying to maintain a friendship in these circumstances would be emotionally messy for one or both of you especially when new partners eventually come onto the scene.

In a similar position. Pretty certain we can’t be friends as not my choice to split and have super strong feelings. Would always be hoping for something more and it’s best imo to back away.

I'm good friends with my significant exes, as in my 3 major relationships. In fact, my most recent that ended 2 years ago is now one of my best friends. We support each other and we're good with regard to dating others. All 3 are good men.

If I date anyone and they have a problem with this, then that's their issue, not mine and they can find what they want elsewhere.

It's possible but often there are problems. Psychologically I would find it difficult.

Ok so it’s about 80/20 in favour of not being able to do it.

There really is something for me about having built a friendship with someone as well as the romantic side. Plus, the idea that the emotionally mature thing is to recognise they’re a decent person and that the basic of trust, respect and care can continue even if you’re not romantically involved.

I get the points about new relationships. More likely to be me than him going down that road, and I don’t think he’d have an issue there.

Agree with this. And 7 months is no time at all, i wouldn't consider a friendship of that short length of time a deep one.
As you've split for practicalities rather than agreeing there's no 'spark' i think it would be kinder to each other - and any future partners - to draw a line under it.

Why do you think you're more likely to have another relationship than him?

depends on the individuals, with my ex id rather they come to me first and offer the friendship but overall its down to the person themselves as to what they want

@airforsharon due to time constraints, mainly. I could be wrong.

@airforsharon oh sorry just seen your
earlier post. Kinder to each other so we can move on?

I have three 'significant' ex's

My ex wife is an abuser so once my oldest turned 16 I wrote to say she wasnt to contact me except in case of emergency.

I am not sure that it would do one of my ex's any good to get in touch with her, as given that I am happily married with children and she had neither.

The last we were with hindsight more FWB's she's now of an age ewhere she no longer has any interest in men or sex so we are still friends but with no B any longer. She's mey my wife who occasionally asks when I am going to see her

I’ve remained friends with a couple of my ex’s - one in particular I love to pieces - we were together romantically for 18 months but both wanted other different things - the break up was a bit messy but our friendship is so much better than our romance. We share whatever is happening in our lives - it’s useful having a make prospective sometimes. Another has had to break contact with me as his partner wasn’t happy - I get that - but there was no need to worry about me - he was a rubbish partner but an ok mate.

Yes, I think so. As it's, in the scheme of things, a relatively short relationship - and one you'd be persuing if circumstances were different - i don't think there's any justification for trying to maintain a friendship. If you had years of history together and had naturally reached 'friends zone', that would be different, but it sounds (and i don't mean this unkindly) like you don't want to let him go, so I think there's a risk feelings could get muddled, and there's potential for hurt by dragging it out.