Do romantic relationships become less important to people as time goes on?

[Nylla]

Do romantic relationships become less important as you get older and as time goes on?

I am wondering because I am married but feel there is now no romance. I've been married for two years. I am struggling to let go of the idea of having romantic feelings for someone within a relationship. It's what I've dreamt of since I was a teenager and I'm struggling to accept I will never have that.

There are moments when I feel affection and I care about him, but I feel deeply disappointed in him too (due to finding out new things about his character).

As people get older and have kids, do people often let go of this idea of a romantic relationship, and the idea of it fades away? If you have kids, do other things take over and this isn't that important anymore? So basically, do you accept it and it's ok?

When people on here say they are done with romantic relationships, is it simply no longer important, and their emotional needs are meet elsewhere?

I feel disappointed. It seems really hard to let go of the idea of being married to someone I love, respect and am excited about.

If anything I value my romantic relationship more now than I ever have. 20 years together, 15 years married and 2 children (over 10). Kids will grow up and leave eventually, it's important you are happy at home, and my relationship with my husband is the centre of that, friendship and love for me it's what makes life worth living, I can't see me ever valuing it less.

If you feel like this after only 2 years married op that's a really bad sign.

My emotional needs aren't really met elsewhere, no. But I've given up on finding someone I love, respect and feel excited about.

The harsh truth is, you can leave your DH but there are absolutely no guarantees of finding someone that gives you everything you want. I'm not saying you should or shouldn't leave him. Just that if you do so, it should be with the expectation of remaining single.

So often women are told there is someone "better" out there waiting for them. Well I'd love to know where they're waiting as I can't find them! Nor can any of my single, amazing friends. You might get lucky, people do. But don't think that it's easy.

I don't know about less important.

You certainly realise how few decent people there are out there, men or women.

I was married for 20 years and exH's drinking etc got too much and we had to leave for our own safety.

I'd say more that I would like a romantic relationship but I'm realistic that very few people actually have the skills to be in one long term.

My ExH is about to have a baby with his new wife despite being on record with the police for domestic violence.

What do you mean by romantic? I mean, we're grandparents now. We have a strong and steadfast love. Always have each others backs, treat each other well etc. Make each other laugh, do silly dances and sing along to 80s hits.
We go for walks and sometimes even hold hands. Could be seen as romantic, but we don't surprise one another with 'thoughtful gifts' or 'mini breaks'.
We do quite a lot separately too.

We embrace each others horrible habits. I talk too much and he farts a lot.
I wouldn't describe us as romantic but I love the very bones of him and he says he feels the same.

I’ve been with dp for 20 years, I still feel really romantic about him . He’s the person I want to grow old with.

Hope you're OK now @Octavia64

How long have you been together in total? Was it romantic at the start? Tbh, you don't sound like you like his character much now you've found things out, perhaps married too soon? You should know all about someone prior to diving into marriage. You are trying to put your feelings down to a general trend, when really, it sounds like a him problem you have, not romance as a general concept.

I think relationships take work. It's not the butterflies at the beginning after a while but there's ways of keeping it romantic I guess It depends on your partner as you both have to make effort. Tbh sometimes I'm happy just to open up some wine and watch a movie. We still have younger children but I know when they are older we will have more date nights, I miss dressing up etc but then we now do day dates and it's helped us massively.

It depends on your definition of romance. Are you meaning gestures of love...flowers, candle lot dinner or sex and intimacy?

The slow, intense sweat beaded between your breasts and deep sighing Hollywood style sex has long died. Tbh, it was never there. Now he's lucky to get over tired grumpy and stubble. Bonus if it's a hairwash day.

We don't do excessive or grand gestures of love. We buy each other little things from time to time if we something or I'll cook his favourite meal, he'll let me have an afternoon nap properly away from the kids barging in. (Teething baby)

The daily grind of the house, work and kids have taken the shine off of our marriage. We've seen each other at our very best and also at our worst and lowest points. And, we love each other more for it. Because, it's who we are as individuals living and trying to make a life together.

The first few years of marriage and you're still getting to know each other. You probably have yet to see the highest highs and lowest of lows.

I'm not going to lie I spent a good couple of years of fucking hating him and everything about him. But, we worked through it. We could have thrown it away. Talked about it many times. It was stress and lives adjusting quicker than we were able to adapt at the time. We've learnt from it and we're stronger.

Only you can decide on what mean by romance and his personality/traits/habits that are only coming to light now. Trust me, there will be more.

You married him for a reason and committed your life to him for thay same reason. Has any of that changed? If so how? why? when? Can you work on it?

These are things you need to ask yourself and work out what's best for you.

I disagree with this strongly. I respect your point of view as it comes from your life experience so I can't judge that. However that is not my experience at all ( and I'm 61) and I wish I hadn't 'settled' for a large chunk of my life and been braver to discard mediocre but OK relationships (with friends and ex H).

Sticking with someone purely because the fear (unfounded as who knows the future) of the unknown is not a good enough reason to stick at something/ stay with someone.
The sadness/ dissatisfaction / maybe buried resentments come out in other ways often not even directed at the 'cause' of those feelings.

OP. If it feels like this now after 2 years/ no kids, that feeling buried inside will just grow and don't have kids to 'improve' things. It doesn't work.

Previous poster has a point 2 years is pretty early. You definitely need to talk to your partner.
Even small things can mean alot and time definitely is more important.

After 17 years we are a comfortable pair of old slippers rather than shiny box of Jimmy choos but I think only two years is bit sad to lose the shine.

I've been with my husband 30 years old. During that time, our relationship has definitely gone through the phase of taking a back seat in terms of romance, but love and affection have still been there. Now, our kids have grown, and we are back to focusing on us as a couple. We are away this weekend, do lots of sex and I honestly feel like a giddy teenager again.

For most people, marriage is fucking hard work a lot of the time, especially if you have kids. You grow out of thinking it should all be love and romance.

That's lovely. Hats off to you both.

You grow out of thinking it should all be love and romance

I really hope not, not the love part anyway. 20 years in and that's not my experience.

2 years isn't long. How old are you?

This isn't good.

If you feel he doesn't show you love, why stay?

I think the problem here OP is the more you have gotten to know your dh, the more disappointed you have become in him. You need to really think about why that is and whether you can live with those disappointments. And don't have children with him until you do.

2 years in we were still trying to figure out how to live with each other - but it was a very hopeful figuring it out and included a lot of very good times including romance, respect and exciting bits.

The more I got to know dh after we married the more I admired him and respected him. Yeah he drove me crazy sometimes but I already knew I could live with his faults - and living with him made me really really appreciate his good qualities.

I'm not sure what romance is anymore tbh. I'm 30 years older than when I married. we share everything including finances - and all the worries and disappointments and joys of childrearing/having young adult children. We still love kissing each other, love having sex, enjoy each other's company. but need space apart too and would rather sit in front of the tv with a takeout on Friday night than go out for a romantic dinner.

I settled for 18 years with ExH ( married for 12 years). Worst thing I did was settle and yes I’ve been with DP 4 years … romance has grown with us as we have weathered many a storm and helped each other. We have laughed so much in the time and even when we’ve argued we’ve made up pretty quick and never withheld love and intimacy from
each other. I often think my youngest years were so wasted crying or feeling sad at the state of my relationship. With DP, if there’s anything I’m unhappy about I will tell him and he really tries to turn it around quite quickly! I had DC which is why I stayed for so long but if you don’t ( and even if you do) you should consider if it’s worth staying. If you feel it’s worth one last try you need to have a serious conversation with him so he knows. Don’t think about losing 2 years, think about the gain of being happy for the next 40-60 years! Long term goals!