Hi all.
Here's some background: My wife (34f, Chinese) and I (41m, English) have been together for 8 years, married for 5, and have a nearly 1-and-a-half-year-old son.
Our relationship hasn't been the smoothest, especially since marriage. We argue over the stupidest things, anything from the house's temperature to not liking a certain food or not doing something a specific way despite instructions telling you otherwise! The most recent was suitcase sizes and how many we could fit in the taxi. Not that we had too many or complained about their size. I just needed to know the amount to book it for an upcoming trip.
These small arguments quickly end up as heated arguments. My wife screams, shouts, and sometimes throws things, whereas I tend to be calm, which typically ignites her fire. On several of these arguments over the years, my biggest issue is that my wife has said some hurtful things during these arguments that I cannot forget: how I am fat, ugly, a loser, old, and wishes she had never married me. I'm a horrible person who will never amount to anything, evening extending to calling my recently passed mum fat and saying that she wouldn't care if I died right now. Then comes the threat of divorce. When I ask why she says these things, she says it's the only way she can hurt me, but she doesn't mean it, yet during the argument, she will state that she is saying it because that's how she feels deep down. These things eat away at me, and I can't forget that they have been said, regardless of whether in anger or not.
To complicate matters, my in-laws have been staying with us for the last four months and have simply taken over. We even moved to a bigger house to facilitate their six-month stay, and upon moving in, the house was arranged how they liked it (they were already here on the day we moved). I can't even find things in my home and have to ask where they are!
Now I understand that they want to and are here to help, and I appreciate it, but I have my limits, for example. I'll be playing with our son, and MIL will simply come and pick him up and take over. Or I'll wander around with him in the house, watching over him as he develops his walking skills, with MIL in tow on a piece of elastic following me around, sometimes with FIL at the other end watching, or coming in our bedroom at 3 am (without knocking) whilst we are trying to settle our son if he wakes. There is a fine line between helping and taking over, and this is just a snippet of what they do, but I can't do anything with my son without them being involved. This has caused a significant strain on my wife and I's relationship, but my wife cannot see things from my point of view and says they are just trying to help.
Now, to my question ...
We booked a six-night holiday at the last minute (all five of us in one family room) and argued about suitcase sizes the day after. It stemmed from me asking at least four times how many cases we were planning to take and what size, and getting acknowledged, but not getting an answer, so I walked away, to which my wife responded, "Huh, what? Erm, what are the options again". I made a comment about her not listening to me, which caused her to become enraged and start swearing at me, saying my parents don't love me, not to go on the holiday we had booked, and if she had a gun, she would shoot me in the head, and that she wants a divorce ..again. This time, she went a step further by going through the steps on her computer to apply for a divorce, questioning about custody, finances, etc., but not going through with it. Usually, I end up apologising regardless of who is at fault, as I don't want to get a divorce, but this time, I said if that's what you want, then let's call it a day, but we can't rush through without discussing important things, especially our son.
Several hours and buckets of tears later, my wife apologised, which was a first, although not for what she said but for hurting me with what she said, and told me that I was "still welcome on the trip." I suggested that some time apart might help us and give us time to think about what we want in the long term and that I wouldn't be joining them on the trip. After all, we have an argument on every trip we take, so going away during an argument probably wasn't a good idea! This was when I was told that "I need to grow up", and that "I'm being childish and pathetic."
They all left for the trip yesterday, and I stayed at home. :-(
Now, what's eating me up is that this is my son's first overseas holiday, and it was his first time on a plane, etc., all of which I am missing out on. It's hurting me inside not being with him and experiencing it, and it's only been two days, and I'm wondering whether I have made the right decision in not going. I know they are coming back, so it's not like I'm not going to see him in the next few days or go on holiday again, but I'm going around in circles in my head with no one to talk to about it! I also don't know the state of our marriage and what to expect when they return!
AITA here, and should I have gone?