How do I handle critisism in front of son.

[Cleankitchen]

AAnd another question about blokes. DH seems to criticize me in front of son, 16. It’s only ever minor, but it seems constant.
I washed the ketchup lid and lost it, ( I know, it is annoying) doh! Son complains. I explain it was really gross. ‘Don’t do that again’ says DH. Wagging finger and smiling so I know he’s joking, but he’s not really. ‘Ok! I say, smiling. ‘You can be in charge of ketchup cleaning’ DH says let it get yukky. ( I know, I’m not a clean freak, it was just super grim)
next he mentions hedge looking awful. ‘You did that’ he says. And goes into Greta detail about how I’ve mucked up hedge.
on to discussion about hedge- no he still wont pay someone, no he won’t go up there, but I can.
I try and be cheery, but something about his manner, it makes me really uncomfortable.
DS scarpers and I ask him not to criticize me in front of son, so he starts to DARVO.
how to do I act in front of son? It feels like whenever I try and encourage son out of his room, it gets crap.

Surely the bigger problem is your partner uses darvo. Which is essentially abuse. I couldn't live with someone who felt the need to criticise me constantly. You've already told him to knick it off, yet it continues. So, what the plan?

Personally, I'd leave him and show my son 'women don't stay with men who aren't nice to them'. That resolves the issue of the shitty husband. Hopefully also means your son doesn't feel uncomfortable in his own home/s anymore.

You’re asking the wrong question. You should be asking why you’re tolerating being abused by your partner not how you show your son that’s how it’s acceptable to treat a woman.

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. Did your parents behave similarly?.

What are you getting out of this relationship now?. If you’ve stayed with your abuser for your son’s sake you’ve made a mistake.

What do you think your son is learning about relationships from you two?. This is NO relationship model to be showing him. How can you be helped here into leaving your abuser?

Tell him you will do what you want if you want to wash the ketchup lid you don't need his fucking permission

I would say about the hedge "it's a learning curve and better than your non existent attempt"

Basically just tell him to go fuck himself who does he think he is you can do this without swearing

Each and every time

Why are you putting up with this?

Just say 'please stop criticising me for the type of mistakes all ordinary people make'.

If you can't say that and get an apology then you have a bigger problem.

Thanks guys. I didn’t realize it was so serious. I didn’t probably realize it was happening- it’s an occasional thing. I’ve started seeing a counselor as I’m drinking too much and to my suprise, she is encouraging me on how to be more assertive, again, I didn’t realize I wasn’t!
learning curves.

Your counsellor is spot on to encourage you to be more assertive. Sounds like he's trying yo be Billy big balls in front of your son! Stand up to him every time he criticises you, dont put up with him negging and undermining you.

Do you want your son to grow up to be the type of man who bullies and belittles his partner in front of their child?

Kids learn from behaviour that they witness and at the moment your H is teaching his son that women are "lesser" beings.

Women should do the grunt work (cleaning and hedge cutting in your case) whilst men relax and then get to criticise the woman for the work they've done.

To make your son a better man, your H needs to lead a better example and if he can't/wont, then you need to demonstrate that women should be treated better or they will leave.

Thanks seaoftrouble I’m sure I was assertive once! I have found a part time job I enjoy which is helping I think. I’ll also take him aside, away from son and say, not having this. He will argue and blame me, and I will stand my ground and calmly repeat myself.
that’s the theory!

I would start putting together an exit plan. It would also be worth your while to contact Womens Aid.

He could well see you asserting yourself as a further challenge to take you down.

The thing with assertiveness is, if someone is abusing you, it doesn't make it not abuse just because you stand up for yourself.

Yes it's good that your child sees you won't stand for bullies. But the best way to show them that, is to lead by example and get away from bullies.

As attila says too, 'being assertive' with him may lead him to taking it as a challenge. He may try to hurt you in other ways. Likely related to hurting you infront of the child as he knows thats your fear.

You shouldn't have to tell your partner not to treat you like shit. If you're doing that, the marriage is already over. Because marriage is a partnership. But this mad doesn't see you as his partner. He sees you as his toy. And unfortunate for you, he clearly enjoys breaking toys.

Your son shouldn't grow up witnessing his mother's abuse. Or thinking this is what relationships look like. Even if it is his dad being a bully and his mum telling him to stop...but still, staying with him, even though he consistently shows her he will never change.

Thanks everyone. It’s v hard to work out -

So very sorry this is happening op.

Your increased drinking has not occurred in a vacuum. Your mind is trying to escape from what is happening.

Is your dh controlling or negative in other ways?

Maybe read the Lundy Bancroft bk that is recommended on here? Why does he do that? (Or something similar.)

And then read this:

https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/coercive-control/

Abuse does not always come in the form of physical violence. It can show up in constant criticism or put downs or humiliation. This will be very damaging for your son to witness op. You need to think carefully about this as you may need to act pretty swiftly and put plans in place to leave.

The problem is that even if you stand up to him you may not be able to change his behaviour. I’m sorry but a man who alleviates his stress, bolsters his own inadequacies, or makes himself feel superior by humiliating his wife in front of their son is deeply weak and flawed and many never improve.

This may not even be about you. I hate to say it but he may be starting to challenge your son by testing how far he can go before your son reacts. Certain men sees sons as a threat to their position as “leader” and this is how they maintain top dog status.

Without wishing to sound over-dramatic, I’m afraid I agree with others that this may be much more than a series of small “insignificant” incidents. It could potentially add up to something very nasty. Be careful op please 💐

On a bit of a tangent but, I also went to counselling because of alcohol concerns. She helped me immensely, but I still kept drinking. I tried AA but it wasn't for me. 19 days ago I took my last sip, from 1-2 bottles a day to nothing, and it's been a breeze! I read How to stop women drinking, by Allen Carr. It's a lifesaver xx

Thank you all. It’s very wierd it’s very mild stuff, but enough to make me think.

thank you thisoldchestnut I’ve bought the book. Absolutely well done you that’s terrific news. There is a lot of support on here should you need it, absolutely brilliant x