Dad always calling me fat

[KurtCobainLover]

This probably sounds like a first world problem but here we go. Up until a few years ago I always super thing bordering on the underweight, my dad seemed to be proud of this and would always compliment me on my ‘sporty physique’. Fast forward a couple of years and I have put on weight due to medication prescribed after a breakdown. I don’t like being overweight and am working on getting back down to a healthy weight but it’s a long process and everyone else in life is supportive and say it doesn’t matter what size I am as long as I mentally healthy again.

I completed the Three Peaks in Three Days with work on Thursday and was over the moon that I managed it. I was the slowest and I practically crawled up Ben Nevis but I did it and was happy. I called my parents yesterday and expecting them to be happy for me and the first thing my dad said was that I looked like a blob in my photos and it’s surprising I did it all considering how much extra weight I’m carrying. He then went on about his new vacuum for 20 mins……

I felt completely demolished and now feel flat and that I didn’t really achieve anything…….

How do others deal with it when their parents seem determined to drag them down?

First of all - brilliant achievement! I'm in awe.

Those other people around you are right - the most important thing was getting your mental health back on track, and it sounds like you've been doing that.

I'm so sorry your dad was so unkind. How is he in other areas of life? Is he generally a kind, loving, supportive person? Or does he have digs and judge people?

If it's the latter, it looks like you may have to (difficult as it is) learn to accept he's an unkind, bitter person, and you can't change him. And don't rely on him for kindness or support.

But if he's otherwise been a lovely dad - it still doesn't make it OK, far from it - but could you talk to him and tell him how he makes you feel, espeically just dismissing a huge achievement like that?

How does your mum respond to him being like that?

Your dad is a dick. Do not give him or his thoughts any headspace.

Well done in what you achieved, it's amazing! 👏

My parents are very similar to this. I once mentioned gaining weight a while back and my dad said 'you look the same as you did last time I saw you' and I said 'because I lost it again' and then he just looked and me and said 'and you've got more to lose.'

I would say that this is a case of your Dad has clearly his own issues/warped value system and that's his problem, not yours. If you think your parents are genuine (not narcissistic, abusive etc) a conversation might be worthwhile. If they are the latter though (which I feel mine are), it's pretty pointless. So I'd recommend basically tuning out of those conversations, or just telling them 'we are not going to discuss my weight.'

Congratulations, that's quite an achievement!

Tell your dad to fuck off. I appreciate you probably can't do exactly that but he does need to be told to keep his mouth shut if he can't say anything positive. What on earth does he think he's doing criticising you like that

My dad, never commented on my weight even when I was at my heaviest.

You must be so proud of yourself OP. What an achievement!!

I wonder if your dad has always been like this and that you are just noticing it. Your journey through mental health issues might have opened your eyes to things that you've previously suffered and tolerated and are, quite rightly, not prepared to tolerate further. I say this as it happened to me. I realised that the constant dragging me down was always going to limit me unless I stopped it. The feeling of freedom when I gave myself permission to realise how horrible my dad was being to me (and to ignore him and believe in myself) was intense and has stayed with me.

Set your boundaries, don't put up with it, tell him he's rude (he will say you take it too seriously or are oversensitive I expect...that's how bullies/drains work...ignore his bullshit). Then, revel in your successes and achievements, surround yourself with the many good, decent, positive people who pick you up not put you down.

You have achieved so much and don't need your dad's approval. You are enough.
Keep climbing those hills, being fabulous and loved by all the good people who love you - especially yourself.

Congratulations on finishing the three peaks - that is a fantastic achievement and you should be proud.

My Dad is like this - even when I was a teen and not fat (having checked the photos) I became heavier throughout puberty and was told I was getting fat and heavy. Other comments throughout the years - the mattress was too hard when they came to stay once, didn't like the colour of the walls, sulked & had a tantrum on walk we all went on.

Basically they are just miserable sexist old men who just like to heckle from the side lines. I cope by reducing any contact and keeping all conversation to a bare minimum.

What is your mum like. I would really consider going very low contact with him, it's fucking nasty, trying to control your appearance.

There is not many people who can do the three peaks, very well done on that. Doesn’t matter how fast/slow you were it’s the fact you’ve been able to do it!

Your Dad is an utter twat. He’s one of those people who like putting others down, likely a good dose of jealousy in there too. You need to stop going to him for validation because he won’t give it no matter how good you are. As I said, utter twat.

Tell your friends and other family first. Then when you’re ready tell your Dad, I’d add “I’m telling you this so you know but don’t bother replying if you can only say something negative.”

Do you have any siblings? It wouldn’t surprise me if he’s waxing lyrical about your achievements to them to make them feel bad too.

What does he say if you challenge him back on it or to give it a rest? Or if you don't then you need to or he won't stop. I had a family member who said similar and it was really hurting me so I firstly told them to give it a rest as it's my body so I'm pretty aware of my size and if I wanted their input I'd ask for it, just shutting down the conversation and talking over them. When they started it again I would laugh and just walk away then when asked why i repeat that I asked them to stop mentioning my weight and then when they persisted I went schoolyard and pointed out a feature of theirs they can't change and asked them if they would like it if I kept pointing out how big their nose was and how it hooks so badly from the side and they really should do something about it (it actually isn't that bad at all I just know it's an insecurity of theirs and I felt horrible saying it but they clearly didn't feel horrible saying anything to me) Well they were affronted I mentioned their nose and told me I was terrible to say this but I just pointed out that if you are going to give unwanted opinions you will get them back and you can't talk about someone elses body without opening yourself up to it back. They were not happy but I did actually get an apology. I did tell them I dramatised about their nose as I felt bad but it shows how much they were upsetting me. I've struggled with my weight my whole life and it never surprises me how people think it's ok to comment on it. Look after yourself op and prioritise your mental health. If your dad is not supporting you then cut him down or cut him off

Can you just ask to speak to your mum

Men don't like to be ignored even when they are being shallow pricks in fact it's when they are being arseholes they like to be listened to most.

You did the three peaks challenge! Bet your dad's hoover couldn't do that.

He is just judging you by what he thinks is important, bodies. Nothing else.

You can't change him just how you react to it.

Boredom is your friend.

Magnificent achievement, well done!

I know from personal experience that exercise is very important to combat spells of depression. The two go hand in hand, mind & body. At the moment your mind needs some attention, the body will follow later.

As for your dad, just say to him, "Dad, I appreciate your concern for my health but I find your comments unhelpful. I would appreciate your support, not your criticism." See what he says to that.

(Both my parents have PLENTY to say about my figure. They need reminding occasionally to stop airing those opinions)

A massive well done to you 🍾🎉🌻

My father was similar to yours, I never felt loved by him, had an unsettled childhood, he was a verbal and physical bully. Other adults would say "he was a diamond bloke" - they knew nothing of his mood swings, constant affairs he had and hearing him beating my mum up.

I distanced myself from my father, If you are able to do the same, it may help you. Also start loving yourself.

Good luck

I had to cut a toxic relative out of my life. She constantly belittled, bullied and tried to control me.
I felt so much better once I realised I didn’t have to have anything to do with her ever again.
I realise you may not want to do this as yet but keep in mind it is always an option and don’t let anyone else try to make you feel guilty if you do it.

Wow congratulations on your achievement @KurtCobainLover !

Your dad is, in this instance, a malicious and idiotic fool. Is he always that deliberately cruel and stupid? Don’t let him crush your sense of achievement, it is real and well deserved. He is projecting his own issues onto you and it’s completely irrational and unfair.

Wow!

What an ugly nasty man your father is.
Unsurprising to read you have had MH challenges with a parent like that.
Yours is a great achievement. Well done.
How about you do something else for yourself, and let that be the very last time you allow your pathetic father speak to you like that.
Stepping away from toxic people invariably boosts the long term spirit and mental health of those the infect.

Well done!

Huge congratulations on your achievement.

Your dad is unpleasant in the extreme, isn't he? Perhaps putting the phone down on him might be something to consider the next time he insults you.

What a terrible person he is.

Don't feel demolished though. Just feel that you have truly learned what a nasty man you have for a father.

Is your father jealous? You just did a great thing - but his reaction was to ankle tap you and bring you down... 🤔 I say this because I realised this was the pattern with my parents... they were less like parents, more like rival siblings to us...

My family is also full of people who are freakin' ob-sessed with appearance, especially women's. Doesn't matter what else you did - 'Ooh, you're not wearing that dress to pick up your Nobel prize, are you?!' And I have to say, they are finding the ageing process really hard, just as other people are coming into their mature confidence and wisdom and acceptance, and feeling the benefits of that.

From where I'm standing, you are winning at life, and your Dad can suck it!

That’s one hell of an accomplishment! Fantastic.

Ignore the miserable arsehole or invite him to join you on your next challenge. That may shut him up.

Thank you everyone. I don’t know why I expect any different from him but I thought for once he would celebrate with me and it’s really bought me down and made me feel like I don’t deserve to be proud of myself for completing the challenge because of how big I am.

I’m due to start therapy again soon so no doubt the issue of dad will come up again.

You absolutely should enjoy feeling proud of yourself, you’ve really earned it.

My family often call me fat even though I’m not and am
pretty much the perfect weight for my height. I find the boomer generation are obsessed with women’s weight - possibly because deep down they’ve been brought up to believe women should take up less space.

My mum is critical of my weight, she's spent years commenting on it and her opinion of me is most definitely linked to it. She made a comment about my DD's weight when she was a young teen and that was the final straw for me so I told her never to comment on either of our weights again. She still makes reference occasionally and then says 'I know you don't like talking about it' and I grey rock it.

I have years of comments from her, one memorable one was when she told me my DH would leave me for someone slimmer as I'd gained weight since we got married! Here we are 32 years later...

Yikes.

My dad can be a bit funny about my weight too. I remember getting down to well under 8 stone on a diet and realising I might have gone a bit far and him still being like 'keep going'.

Sometimes he'll comment on what I'm eating if it's unhealthy. Or that I could do with losing a few pounds.

My feeling is its a status thing. That they want skinny wives and skinny daughters. Still stuck in the 90s body shaming era.

It's a THEM problem op. Just focus on doing what you need to do to feel conformable again. It sounds like your making good steps.

Well done OP, what an amazing accomplishment, you should be really proud of yourself! Your Dad, on the other hand should be ashamed of himself. He's a nasty piece of work and l wouldn't share any news with him in future good or bad. Hes just a nasty, rude joy sucker! You have obviously been struggling with his judgey comments for years so make this the last time he gets the chance to deliberately upset you. Go very low contact, and if he does make any comments hang up on him or walk away.