Aibu or controlling

[gamechang]

I'm asking myself this

I have been with my husband for 25 years . He works , high earner , sometimes works away overnight .

We have two children , one doing gcse another aged 10 .

He's been working away this week from Tuesday to Friday . I know he's gone out at night too because he rang me from a noisy pub place so it's a social job as well , not just sitting in a hotel at night on his own . No doubt he works hard . He pays for everything because I gave my job up during a period of ill health in 2019 and then me staying at home meant he could climb his career ladder / work away . I have a small income of my own from a rental property that I buy my things from . I'm very low maintenance.

A few years ago during the pandemic he got horribly drunk at a friends dinner night , we had children with us and I called the police on him when we got home because of his behaviour . The police arrested him and took him away for 24 hours . This of course got social services involved who did an assessment and he agreed not to drink / be drunk around the children . He is a good person in many other ways .

This is the reason for my post .

Things are difficult at home at the moment , eldest doing gcse so you can imagine , youngest has friendship issue and very emotional . It's a fine balancing act .

This week he worked away came back Thursday night and went to bed about 7:30 , no problem I know he's tired .
Friday he said was it ok to go out and see a mate at the weekend / did children have anything on ? I said no problem , it's in the daytime and I said take the day don't rush back , Saturday .

Yesterday he finished work at lunchtime and went for a walk / to the pub to finish emails .

He wanted to go out last night but because he hadn't seen children all week . I had promised eldest some time and he said he would do something with youngest and he's going out all day Saturday and evening I said rather he didn't .

He came home from the pub yesterday afternoon at 5pm after 6 pints , continued to drink . He did bake a cake as promised with youngest but be honest you can tell he's wasted . Slurring , bad mood , sleepy . So youngest went to her room .

I think this is problem drinking , he thinks it's ok . If I ask him not to drink or to do anything he says I'm being controlling.

Aibu

No, you're not being unreasonable to ask him to not drink, but it won't make any difference unless he can see it is a problem. He shouldn't be battered and surly while spending a minimal amount of time with his kids. If he can't see that the police getting involved isn't normal then this relationship should be over for the sake of your kids.

You can't tell him not to do something. That's controlling. You can express your opinion, and decide what to do yourself.

According to SS, he's not meant to be drunk around the kids, and he has been, so there's a potential course of action there, via the authorities. Or you can decide on boundaries of your own, and stick to them.

Him being a good person is neither here nor there. Hitler was quite a nice bloke in lots of ways, apparently: it doesn't matter.

What did your husband do to warrant police involvement? Being drunk isn't a police matter. He must have been aggressive in some way?

He seems to be spending an inordinate amount of time in the pub. That is where he always goes when he is not at home. This man has a drink problem and that is something you cannot solve. Did you see similar when you were growing up?

Do you feel very responsible for him?. You’re also a part of this overall dysfunctional non family life with your alcoholic.

You have a choice re this man , your kids do not and they both likely know far more than you or their dad care to realise.

His drinking and your reactions to same could well be further fuelling their emotional issues, both kids here are hurting. What do you want them to remember the most about their childhood?. How many more family occasions is he going to ruin because of drink?. Asking him also to
not drink is about as effective an action as peeing in the ocean.

His primary relationship is with drink, not you. What are you still getting out of this?. Have you never considered what life would be like without him in it?.

OP you said that after the incident involving the police he agreed to curb his drinking around the children. So although it was a serious incident, if police and then social services, had to be involved, he didn't take this as a wake up call and quit drinking. He either did not recognise he had a drinking problem or alcohol was too important to him even then to give it up.
So it is perfectly reasonable for you to ask him to not drink but, as with all people with an alcohol problem, you cannot make him stop drinking. He needs to recognise his problem and want to quit himself. Obviously his reaction to your concerns indicates that he doesn't see he has a problem and will not do anything about it.
Perhaps you could seek advice and support from one of the organisations designed to help families of alcoholics/ problem drinkers. Al-Anon is one of these. .

Thankyou for the replies

He's saying he shouldn't have to ask me if he can go out , I only ask his plans because then I can plan the children , who needs dropping off , picking up etc ITBU ? Or controlling ?

We've argued this morning before children got up

He's going out today with a friend canoeing , I have no problem with that.

I think I'm being gas lit .

You are practically a single parent with the additional hassle of a drunk. You'd quite probably be better off without him. Does he not want to spend time in his home, or with his wife and children?

You're not being controlling. He's being a selfish arse who doesn't give a shit about the impact his behaviour has on his family.

You are not being controlling.

How can you be helped here into leaving this man if this is what you want?.

Have you asked him how he would like to plan the childrens' week?

I would tell SS he has been drink around the children and comply with whatever they suggest.

I think I'm being gaslit.

I think so too! You can’t be controlling because you don’t appear to have any control over him. He does as he pleases despite your reasonable requests not to drink in order to do things, previously agreed, with the children during some of his free time. I can’t imagine how awful it must have been for your DC to be baking a cake with her very drunk dad.

You’re describing a typical dynamic in a relationship with an alcoholic.

He tells you you’re being controlling, you go out of your way not to appear controlling, you make yourself small and ‘low maintenance’, you do everything you can not to make any demands on your own account, you only feel you can set boundaries with him for the benefit of your children, not yourself. You’ve been ground down to a point where you, yourself, believe that you don’t matter, your own needs and desires and preferences don’t matter. Only your kids’ wellbeing and your DH’s autonomy matter.

You are not being controlling. I don’t hear you saying to your DH that he can’t do things, or he needs to ask permission - I hear you expressing your wishes and the needs of your family and him twisting it or make you feel like you can’t ever expect anything of him without being the bad guy.

You shouldn’t need to be ‘low maintenance’ and a service animal for your partner and your family. You are a person in your own right and you also matter.

He is an alcoholic. This amount of drinking is not normal or healthy, whatever he says. It’s not normal to finish up your emails at the pub and be shitfaced by 5pm. You don’t need to accept this.

You didn’t create this, you can’t control it.

You can choose to make a life separately from him where his drinking doesn’t impact you and your children to the same extent.

There is a lot of support. You can reach out to Al Anon, to Coda (codependents anonymous), to social services for help.

Hi. I just need to vent here I think so I'm sorry in advance if its rambling.
My husband locked me and my daughter out of our home last night and left the key in the door so we couldn't get back in. (We had somewhere safe to go overnight at least).
This started from an argument about me talking to a work colleague that he hates the day before yesterday.
My husband and I work together and got together during covid as the result of an affair on my part. (I understand that he is insecure regarding this but he knew full well that I was in a relatiinship and this didn't stop him)
I have to speak to this person for my job and don't usually have a chat with him about 'normal' things because I know that hubs hates it but occasionally I will and join in with a chat in the office (with other people there too, this is never one on one chats). My hubs can see me from where his workspace is and will always ask what the colleague wanted. He hates this person with a passion as he feels he is a bully has a bad attitude and lies. The argument started as I mentioned to him that this person had told me something but hubs says that he had told him the opposite so obviously he was lying to me because he wanted me to think well of him. This descended into chaos with him accusing me of flirting with all of our colleagues. For the record we work in a very male orientated profession and 'banter' has occurred in the past (I am not the only woman who works here) but nothing that I would consider flirting. I do not speak or act in the same way now because of my hubs.
I ended up telling him that I will speak to who i want to and about whatever I choose to which he told me that I was ' some wife'. To avoid this escalating in the house when we got home, I immediately got into drivers seat and drove away with my daughter. (She overheard the argument, I am aware how awful this is). I did also turn off my location tracking and online status because I was mad and petty. I know this is childish. We went to a shopping centre and had some food. During this my husband is messaging me saying that I must be s**wing' someone to make him feel bad or talking ALL the men I have on my Facebook account. He then told me to stay wherever I was and that the door was locked.
When me and my daughter got home we found that he had left the key in the door so we couldn't unlock it. I was furious. To do that to me is one thing but to my daughter too is so bad. I didn't phone him because I knew I'd go mad and I didn't want him to get the satisfaction of us having to request to be let in so we came to my parents house who are out of town. I messaged him when we got here and told him where we were and asked him if he was proud of himself for doing that to us both. He ignore me until this morning. He has said that I'm trying to guilt him into feeling bad and that I should have phoned so it's my fault my daughter was upset. He doesn't see how awful what he did was. He has since continued the argument regarding the person at work.
I'm done with this. So much so that I'll be requesting a transfer to another site at work and failing that, applying for a new job. He has now told me that we'll have to sell our new car as this is the car for commuting and the other vehicle we have is purely for leisure.
I feel like he's trying to manipulate me all the time. He never explicitly tells me that I can't do something but his actions make it very clear that that's not OK. His locking me out feels like a massive power play and that my home security is only reliant on him and he can hold this over my head if I don't do what he wants and not a financial manipulation with the cars so that I don't leave where we work.
I don't know what to do. I know how bad this looks.
If I'm the one who's in the wrong here please tell me so i can work at changing that.

You’re not in the wrong. You need away from this dreadful man. But you seem to have joined someone else’s thread. It would be better to start a new one of your own.

Hi, I've just realised this. I'm really sorry to the original poster. Thank you. X