Looking for a handhold - dealing with the aftermath of an abusive relationship

[SussexPup]

I have name changed for this. I am a few months out of an abusive relationship with an angry alcoholic. I’ve been doing all the right things, he is never coming back and I know that the relationship was sinking even before the last cataclysmic series of events….. but last night a friend of his came round to collect some of his stuff and it let him back virtually into the house again and my head, and I have hardly slept. I am just so sad for the lost hope, and is not even as if I can grieve for him publicly and have a grave side to cry at because he is still there. I do still love him (or maybe the idea of the good version of him), but I am so angry with him for doing this to me, and turning my world upside down, and for fucking up so spectacularly.

i have a busy weekend ahead, which is good, with people who mainly have no idea what has happened to me. I wait for this wave to pass.

The only thing you can do - is take control. Eg you pack his stuff up and you get a friend of yours to drop it to a friend of his. Block on everything.

Sadly my ex was horrifically abusive and in the end it was so triggering I cut all your mutual friends etc

Thank you, yes that is the plan I have agreed with his friend. Fortunately I do have all the needed protection orders so contact is very limited. Most mutual friends have come my way, so the triggers will get less, but there will be several months before I can fully shut him out.

It takes time. I spent maybe a year talking to myself about it all the time. But the ‘talk’ changes as you get further out and becomes less frequent.
so time and talking.

My ex was abusive, it takes time. A month is hardly any time so be kind to yourself. Keeping busy is good.

I'm 7 years post separation and still occasionally get those why did it happen moments. I have let joint friendships slide a bit but that's for my own good.

I remember when I sold my wedding and engagement rings, it felt like a weight had been lifted. I found his wedding ring the other month and sold that. I didn't care how much I got for it but I walked out feeling like I was walking on clouds.