I really dislike myself because people drop me/I ruin things

[PandaMandy]

Please be gentle as I'm feeling really fragile at the moment. Am hoping letting this out here helps.

I feel as though people in my life leave me and I ruin relationships with others. I went through really bad depression in the past and dropped a lot of people. I ignored my phone, I ignored everyone and now those people don't want to be back in touch. I kidded myself that it would all work out but my friend group has dropped me entirely when I tried to explain (when I felt better). I think they just think I am flakey.

I am trying to make new friends and have met some nice people but life is so busy that it's hard to build consistent friendships. I have started a weekly hobby and I'm doing weekly counselling to build up my self esteem. I also went on medication and feel SO much better mentally. As my self esteem is so low it is hard to build relationships because I am now so paranoid that these people don't actually like me.

My self esteem hit rock bottom because of an ex. He left when I really needed him and I was never a priority to him and it made me feel no one could actually care about me. I still over analyse every part of that break up and I have convinced myself it was actually me that ruined it/ruined him. I find myself on a loop telling myself I hate myself.

Sorry for the bleakness! Clearly I needed to get it out on a Friday night x

Well tbf, life is change op. People come and go.
But you're your person. You're always going to be there so you need to practice being their FOR you.

Whay good is all this 'I hate me' talk? Who are are you trying to martyr yourself for? Do you think that if YOU punish yourself enough, the world...won't? That it'll go 'oh she gives herself a hard time so let's give her a break'. Because that's not going to happen.

So you need to practice being your own champion. From now on, every morning, look in the mirror and give yourself 3 compliments out loud. Every time you find yourself thinking you hate yourself go 'but I'm having a fucking awesome hair day' or 'but sometimes I'm hilarious'.

If people don't like you then that's not a big deal. I don't like everyone, not everyone likes me. It really doesn't matter, what matters is YOU have to learn to like you again. Hopefully you can work on that in therapy.

I think you're probably a lot more likeable than you think anyway, you have depth. People who have been through some shit, who've hit the wall with depression, who are self aware - are usually, fucking interesting. At least, real.

You know you have weaknesses and issues and you are actively making changes to improve things too.

The only puzzle piece you are missing is learning to champion yourself again. Once you get that sorted, everything else will fall into place.