Am I being unreasonable

[Constance1643]

Today is the 25th anniversary of my brother's death from suicide. My husband and I have been married 30 years and he has never emotionally supported me but I thought he might start to try. After finding me in tears this morning on which is a very sad day and I have no family to grieve with (they all live in another country a long way away) he continues with his plan of spending it with friends going horse racing. I haven't had any contact from him to see if I am ok. Am I being unreasonable?

Why did you think he might start to try after 30 years?
Im sorry this happened to you & your family. I’m sure it was very emotional for you and still is - it was a long time ago though. Of course you would wake up today feeling sad and tearful and thinking of your brother but it can’t dominate your day 25 years on.

A little bit. Expecting something this time that he’s never provided before is always going to be a non-starter.

I’m sorry for the loss of your brother. I hope you have light and happy memories of him as well as painful ones.

Would doing something in your brother’s name bring you comfort? James’ Place does wonderful work with young men battling suicidal thoughts. We found giving to them helped us feel connected. (Not spamming, I have no connection with them besides being grateful for how they helped my family)

https://www.jamesplace.org.uk/

Thank you, that's a very positive thing to do

I dont know about unreasonable, but certainly unrealistic. I am sorry for your loss. However he’s not going to change now is he, why would he?

I am so sorry it’s a bad day for you and you feel so down.

Bit gently yes yabu. Expecting him to cancel plans because it’s an anniversary is unreasonable.

bit also if you feel he hasn’t never supported you, but you stayed, you just have accepted he wouldn’t be doing that.

I do get though. Mum died 3 years ago, in a very shocking and traumatic way. Her anniversary is awful and isn’t getting easier. But I think expecting everyone else to plan around this forever is a bit unreasonable

I'm so sorry you are having to deal with this grief and to deal with it alone.
It is really sad your DH is not supportive of you but as pp have said if he never has been it's unlikely he will change.
Particularly horrible he doesn't support you because most people realise death by suicide is especially hard for loved ones and families to cope with.
Sending you sympathy.

Thank you for understanding. The grieving is very new for me because my family was so abusive there was no space for us to have feelings. I am processing all of it now with therapy. I thought he may decide to change because his being emotionally unavailable has really affected myself and my children and we have spoken with him to tell him how it makes us feel

I'm wondering if you've maybe ended up with an emotionally unavailable man in part because of your traumatic childhood. It may be that your relationship is worth examining in therapy as well.

It's really unlikely he'll change his ways after 30 years - it's probably who he is.

And sorry for your loss 💐

Yes, I am sure that is why and in therapy for my marriage as well

Prior to today, did your husband realise/know that it's been 25 years since you lost your brother? If so, I just wonder if he could have given more thought to caring for you today. Even if he's emotionally detached, he should be supporting you through this very difficult day.

He does sound like a selfish individual.

Thanks for your message. No, he didn't realise and I know it would be inconvenient to change plans last minute but I was very upset this morning and for him it's just a day out. He didn't come with me to his funeral 25 years ago because we had to fly to do so. At the time I didn't think anything of it but now I can see that wasn't ok especially as we were married by then. The only reason I expected him to start trying to support emotionally is because we have all as a family asked him to and told him how it affects us