Help - 6 week old baby and not sure if my relationship has a future

[Lucyloo81]

I have a 6 week old baby with my partner of 3 years and I thought all was fine until he dropped the bombshell recently of telling me he's not happy. It seems to boil down to the fact that I made him stop smoking cannabis before the baby came along - it was always an issue for us as I never liked him doing it but I felt that with a baby it was really time for him to stop. Now I'm torn do I tell him he can start smoking again although I hate him doing it, or do I let it all fall apart and be left holding the baby alone so to speak? So confused and feel like all I do is cry just now.....any advice please....

My hunch is that a new baby is a massive strain on any relationship, it's a shock and for many couples it's very traumatic.
Having a baby may be stirring up all sorts of things he's never faced and making him want to flee from the responsibility.
Personally, I would let him smoke if it keeps you together but I'm aware that it's a deal breaker for you. That is important but also I think to bring up a child alone (my mother did it so I saw) is ultra hard if you don't HAVE to.

Also it may be just the chaos of life with a new baby, it does settle down in time.

But I would also hope to play for time, don't make any rash decisions in such a transitional stage.

I would get any friends or family you trust to be supportive of him if you can.

I was told that panic makes us think we have to do something drastic at once wheras that is rarely appropriate unless a lion is actually about to eat us!

Look after yourself and the baby and maybe he will ride this out and you'll all be together.

I wish you well with it, it is an extremely tough time for a huge number of couples.

Oh Lucy - what a difficult situation.

Yes new babies are a wonderful blessing BUT.....its so hard in the first few weeks. No book, that I have ever read, tells you about the afterwards - the after pregnancy part. Personally I found those first few months after all 4 of my sons horrendous.

I hate the phrase 'you are not ill you are just pregnant!' Well, I'm sorry, but I was ill I was worried sick that I wouldn't be able to cope etc etc.

The only thing I can come up with is talking. Talking and talking and then a little more talking. Try not to put extra pressure on him by saying things like 'you shouldn't do this because of our baby,' just try to say that you worry about his health and how much you love him.

Men really are from another planet - he will more than likely feel jealous of your baby, feel a bit pushed out etc etc.

Good luck love, take care and I hope everything works out for you

Thank you all for your replies, it really helps. For now I'm going to put up with him smoking and hope that he will eventually reach a stage where he wants to stop....fingers crossed all goes ok.

i have recently left my dp though we have a 13 month old and i am expecting again. he always put others and his life before us. he is also a weed smoker and enjoys coke too. i dont do drugs full stop and just had it with his single life being a dad when it suited him and even then he did buggar all. we have not seen a penny. i know i should not have tried for another but i suppose that since we have not lived together i realsied that i am actually happier without him. he is moody and he jsut annoys the crap out of me! i missed him the other night but saw him today and the feelings were just not there anymore. and what with the babies i do not have the time or the patience to feed his ego and mother him. i am a lot stronger now.

What's the extent of his smoking? In the meantime you really shouldn't have the baby in your bed at all while he's a smoker...it has links to SID. You probably know that but just thought I'd mention it as it would be my main worry.
My DH used to smoke weed up to a couple years before we started trying for kids (preg with number 2 just now)...I always made it very plain that I didn't approve (my main worry with weed is the paranoia/mental health problems that it can induce- I smoked as a teen and it led to a complete nervous breakdown) and always knew that i wouldn't be able to have children with someone who smoked weed but obviously you can't control other people or dictate what choices they should make...this sounds like a bit of a power struggle...add a baby with all the stresses that brings and you've got a stressful situation. I think you need to write down all your worries about it, keep it very simple and unemotional. Talk through these worries with him and ask him to listen to all of them before commenting. Once you're finished, make sure you listen to his point of view and then suggest you both think about it for a while and regroup for another chat- in the meantime a compromise, like him not smoking in or around the house/baby would be acceptable. If he's still unhappy, I would be worried that he's behaving immaturely and selfishly- after all you have a family now and that brings responsibility. You're not his mum so don't let him treat you like that (equally, don't mummy him).

Sorry but there's no way I would say, "Oh go on then, have a joint." If he does not love you enough to give up bloody pot then what's the point of having him around? I would be insulted to come lower down than smoking on his list of priorities.

Difficult one. I don't think you should have 'made' him give up smoking the stuff, imho. I'm NOT saying it's okay to smoke around a baby at all. But the decision should really have been his, because unless we decide these things for ourselves, we are going to resent the people we do it for. It seems he's still addicted to the stuff, even though he's not doing it anymore. Maybe it was just a short wobble, considering the stress of the new baby? I hope things get better for you. You don't need this at the moment.

He used to smoke a lot before I met him but it tailed off as he realised I didn't like it and it caused rows between us and then when I was about 7 months pregnant he stopped it altogether and I thought he was fine doing that for the sake of the baby.....turns out he wasn't. The baby was unplanned so came as a bit of a shock to both of us and I think he spent a lot of my pregnancy worrying he was too young to be a dad. He says he only wants to be able to smoke occassionally, like every couple of weeks and he def wouldn't be doing it in the house, he'd be going outside to do it as I have said to him my worries about the links between smoking and SIDS.
littlewoman - you're totally right in that the problem is he resents me for making him give it up and it has turned into a bit of a power struggle. My hope is if I let him do it occassionally and only when he is away from the baby then in time he will decide to stop it of his own volition, and if not hopefully it would be so little that it wouldn't bother me too much?

It seems like such a small thing but the problems it has caused us - he thinks it means I don't love him, I just love what he could be if he'd stop smoking and that if I really loved him I wouldn't try to change him, but the way I see it asking someone to give up an unhealthy habit is not equivalent to not loving them, if anything its just worrying about them and caring for their health and wellbeing.

as long as you know that even if he smoked outside- it's still on his clothes, hair and skin, so the SID risk remains- best not to have the baby in your bed at all...

you are not being unreasonable and he is being immature but as you say- he's young and maybe he'll realise himself...very annoying though. As long as he's a good, supportive father and partner otherwise- an occassional joint away from baby and house is i suppose an acceptable compromise.

The baby sleeps beside us in a moses basket, on my side of the bed, is it still really risky? Should I be telling him that if he has been smoking then he needs to shower before he comes into bed?