Marriage

[BeagleMumOfTwo]

So , I'm 54 , partner is 53 .
Been together 26 years.
Not married.
Two kids now at university, both absolutely fine.
I'm just wondering why we never got married?
Why didn't we do it?
He always said he didn't need it?
I've always said I would like to do it.
I'm more wanting to get married, he says can't be arsed or it's too expensive.,
I would love to get married though, it would solidify mine and his relationship.

His Sister is married long term 20 years, his niece is getting married next year.
It is ridiculous we aren't getting married.

He doesn't want to make that commitment to me.
That makes me feel awful, like I'm not good enough.
We have been together longer than most marriages though.
Why can't I get married?

I have friends who are similar ages and they've been together forever. They just quietly got married last year, just the two of them, her father and their child as witnesses. It doesn't have to cost much. Their reasons are to make it easier for retirement/ death - they also updated their wills.

Their adult child had to get their birth certificate updated to reflect the fact their parents are now married, so they are no longer illegitimate. (But no, the registrar can't have that form ready at the same time as the marriage certificate.)

If it were me, I'd focus on the legal side and planning ahead, inheritance tax etc. Why is he worried about commitment after so many years? Is the house etc all in his name?

Yes the mortgage in his name.
When we first met I had a house, great job, he was at Uni .
I lost the house because I couldn't keep up with the mortgage after having the baby. I was 23 and struggled to have the baby, go to work, my work involved care work, nights, evenings, I just couldn't do it, he was at Uni, I always put his Uni before my work.
It's always been his work before my inferior work.

Sorry just to clarify.
I worked
He has worked .
We both do work.
It's been fifty/ fifty throughout our relationship.

So he owns the family home?

You lost your own chance to own a home because you were paying for his child and supporting him through uni.

He doesn't want to marry you because there is nothing in it for him. He gets to keep his house if he doesn't bother.

It isn't that you aren't good enough. It is that he is a selfish shite. sorry OP.

It's his mortgage.
I'm not on it because I defaulted on my own mortgage when I had my first baby,
He graduated, got a brilliant Job, I just went downhill, had another baby, went into the spiral of motherhood, no career, no idea of anything except motherhood.

This is it isn't it?
He doesn't want to marry me because he has shit to lose if we split.

I'm beggining to realise who has the power in our relationship.
It's not me.
I thought by marrying him I would be okay, I would be equal.
I'm not thinking that now.

I'm now beginning to realise he has all the power.. I've let him have that and I don't how to get out.
I thought by getting married I would get some of that back

he also has moral responsibility

I would also worry about what would happen if one of you got sick - I don't think either of you would automatically be next of kin to the other.
Also, if (and hopefully this won't happen for a long time) he dies you wouldn't be entitled to any of his pension that you would as a widow and vice versa
Its not JUST about if you split up. And yes, it is hugely unfair. If children weren't involved and you had each had adequate opportunities to build your careers it would be different but you put the kids/his career first at the expense of your own.

Well, you gave him everything he wanted without him having to marry you. He got a house, a career, children, sex. He really has nothing to gain from marrying you. Your choice, however, means you're at the mercy of him. Legally you are just his live-in girlfriend. He could throw you out tomorrow and there is nothing you could do about it. I really hope you have a pot of savings somewhere and a backup plan for if he decides he's had enough.

@HollyKnight why so brutal - ‘throwing out’ ‘had enough’

@BeagleMumOfTwo - for pragmatic reasons, better wed.
If he cares about his family’s security and peace of mind, he will do
right by you, which should have happened years ago, but it isn’t too late.
Try a little reverse psychology, you know, so he will believe it was
HIS idea
good luck

It's not brutal. It is the absolute truth. The OP has zero power in this relationship. She can't make him marry her. She has nothing to bargain with because she already gave him everything. He could decide to end things right now, and there's not a thing she can do about it. He isn't obligated to house her or financially support her.

So leave

Speak to a solicitor first to understand where you are legally. I’m serious. This is serious. You’ve got to take steps to protect yourself. Obviously don’t tell him that you’re doing it, you just need to have the full picture when/if you decide to speak to your partner.

Ask if he will have a civil partnership with a garden party this summer separately. You are vulnerable and tax breaks should help you justify if he's not wanting big wedding?

It’s not expensive to get married. I think the thing is, you know he didn’t want marriage, it’s been decades. You also can’t have been that fussed to never make it a condition on the other steps you’ve both taken. I don’t know what you do now, do you want to stay with him knowing it’ll never happen or do you want to split up?

I’m going to ask an uncomfortable question—not to be judgemental, but to get your true opinion/thoughts. What were the circumstances of having babies before you two got married—what was the thought process/rationale?

DH & I are similar age to you OP, been together 17 years & own a house together but never married for all the same reasons, expense, can't be arsed etc

We married almost 2 years ago because it just makes things easier if something happens to one of you. Got married abroad (just us & DSS) so was just the cost of the all inclusive holiday (basic wedding was thrown in free) & £200 for the wedding license. No organising what so ever other than something to wear & was perfect

Please do this. You are very financially vulnerable. It can just be registry office, very cheap.

Thanks all x
Sorry I've been offline so haven't replied.
Am going to have a sit down talk this weekend and clear the air.
I must admit, I've been a bit protecting myself by acting not bothered as I have just resigned myself to not being married.
It does bother me though and I'm going to let him know.
It's both the financials and the emotional aspect for me.
I'm not entirely sure how it will go but I'm not hiding away from the situation anymore.
Wish me luck!
I think the discussion will be a big decider in if we/ I can carry on as we are .

Just went were dating and I got pregnant.
27 so not really a disaster.
I'm 54 now and we went on to have two children.

Did he not move in with you when you had your first child? Did he not pay and provide for his first DC also?
It's not 50/50 if he left you financially on your own when you had your DC, so you ended up defaulting, then as soon as he works and is OK buys his own house?
If he has also been paying the mortgage and bills, you should have some savings I hope, I bet he has? Otherwise, he's been financially abusing you all these years.