Fed up of the shitty end of the stick…

[ByUmberCrow]

Just here for a moan as feeling fed up. Single parent to two young teens, main (only!) carer to my live-in mum. In a ‘relationship’ of four and a half years.

I work full time, pay all bills, etc and am looking after the extensive renovation our house needs - including major works to accommodate my mother’s disabilities.

Really feel like I’m no one’s priority and that everyone expects me to go all out for them (on birthdays, Christmas, holidays, etc, etc), but no one makes that same effort for me.

My mum constantly gives me the ‘worst’ of things - the dry edge piece of cake, uses the crappy wire hangers only for my clothes, gives me the chipped plate, the smallest portion of food. Tiny things, I suppose - but it all feels deliberately mean and thoughtless, especially considering the effort and time I put into looking after everyone else’s wants and needs.

Can anyone relate?

You're quite entitled to have a moan. I bet you tend to put yourself last as well so it would be nice if someone else made you a priority. You might need to speak up to make this happen. Circulate a list of present ideas a couple of weeks before your birthday, Christmas and Mother's Day, ask people to make you a cup of tea, breakfast in bed or cook dinner sometimes. Of course it would be lovely if you didn't have to ask but maybe that will come with time.

Firstly, why is “relationship” in quote marks? 👀 you’d expect your partner at least to make a fuss of you. Certainly don’t prioritise him if he’s not prioritising you.

Why not challenge your mum about some of these behaviours. Say “ is that portion even big enough to feed a small mouse” when she serves you food.. start calling things out.

Also of course your kids are your priority but make a point of treating yourself. When they see you do that, they will learn that is how you should be treated.

I have a friend who is such a martyr. She’ll run herself ragged for her kids and spending on huge presents for them she can’t afford but despite the fact they’re now 13-18 she still gets very little back from them. Like I’m not even talking presents but just like a birthday card or breakfast in bed for Mother’s Day or them taking the initiative to clean the house . And sometimes if she goes out to dinner with her friends, they’ll complain that she’s “having fun without” them. They’re nice enough kids but quite self absorbed. I don’t know how old your kids are but don’t let them grow up like that!

Her kids have learnt from her partner/their Dad . He doesn’t buy her gifts or take her out on dates or even listen to her problems. And she allows this. So they think it’s ok for her to get nothing ever.

Aside from your kids who else are you making a fuss of for birthdays Christmas etc? If it’s not being reciprocated, and it’s making you unhappy having such one sided relationships - just stop it.

I had a friend who expected me to make a big fuss of her birthday. I did something lovely for her 30th that cost a fair bit despite her only posting me a FB message on my 30th birthday which was 6 months earlier . Looking back I was a bit daft to enable such a dynamic but when I finally caught onto how one sided our friendship was in our mid 30s, I just stopped giving as much of myself. She now gets a text - if she’s lucky - for her birthday and that’s it.