Setting boundaries - not possible with families

[Flyhigher]

Lots of advice about setting boundaries.
In practice though it's not really possible.
Most people just push their agenda. Mother's elderly parents. In-laws. Daughters. Sisters.
Husband. As everyone gets stressed they just push their agendas.
I have not been able to set my boundaries with daughter or sister or mother. Not really. And not with husband either.

There's bound to be pushback if you're trying to change the way you manage your relationships. When everyone is used to getting their way, suddenly not getting that won't go down well. You kind of have to stick with it.

What boundaries are you trying to have?

It is possible. It is frequently difficult, uncomfortable, stressful and not received well.

Give us an example.

There is a good book about boundaries here that might help you. It's important that you understand how they work in practice. Ie It's about how you behave, not changing other people ( though they often do change in response to good well-set boundaries)

Yes. I guess a book about boundary setting and how they work might be helpful.

Boundaries on being rude. Tone. Talking over people. Always going first in everything. Then you are on the back foot. Fighting. Not sharing airtime. Or idea time. Always wanting praise but never offering any.

Makes sense.

Talking over people.

OK to take just this one. With DD (who has ADHD and does this a LOT) I either say, "I wasn't finished" and wait or I say "excuse me" if it was particularly bad.

With someone older you asked yourself two questions:
How much does the relationship matter?
How much does this thing matter?

Talking to grandma about gardening, the relationship really matters and the garden doesn't. Suck it up.

Talk to mum about child care, safety or something really important, both matter. So you are very assertive.

Talking to a random about safety, the relationship doesn't matter and the subject does. Feel free to be aggressive. NOT physically but in terms of just getting what you need.

Just that questions, how much do both matter? Can clarify your response.

I know this is an old post, but was searching for boundaries. Just been trying this with elderly MIL who has got a bit dependant on me in recent years in spite of having other relatives around.

I've said I can see her and take her shopping etc one day a week instead of two, I'm not sure how this will go down, but it feels too much atm, I have my own family as well.

It's fair to be honest about what you can do and what you can't, especially when there's others around. If your MIL asks for more could you say "I can only do Monday so make a list of what you need"? If she wants another day as well you could say "ask if Fred can take you as I've got work" or whatever you're busy with. Have you spoke to your DH?

One day or two days is too much?

two

In which case I would just be 'busy' a lot and always do one day. Habits form slowly but they do form. Can your DH spend more time with her on the weekend?

Good advice to be busy and do what you can. This lady has other people to help for another day.

Exactly.

It's made me think, countries are not about expecting others to change (so I am not actively asking others to step in) but about you changing what you do

Yes, can only change yourself and your boundaries.