widower in new relationship wears his wedding ring and hides it when he goes out when he goes out without me,

[Rebecca344]

advice please. ive been dating a widower for 8 months, he recently asked me to marry him, we are engaged. He has been widowed for 9 years. He has photos around the home and her ashes on the shelf, which i am ok and supportive of. He took his wedding ring off months ago, i have just been told that when he goes out without me, he puts his wedding ring back on at times and then hides it by taking it back off again before he comes home.
Would you be concerned? can i ask peoples advice and options on how they would feel about this themselves? any advice on how to approach this? i feel concerned that he is not emotionally ready.

Told by whom and how do they know ? They may not be reliable and have got this wrong

9 years is a long time - but can I ask his age?

I can understand the ring thing but not 9 years on. If they were happy I guess it is hard to let go but that is a good timeline. I would bring this up with him and see what he says

Photos and ashes would bother me. It’s been 9 years. I mean, if he has children with her, I get that’s it’s nice to have a family photo. But no more. And honestly, I’ve always thought ashes on display is a bit grim.

If he’s not ready after 9 years, I wonder if he ever will be?

Oh, and 8 months is very quick to be engaged. How old are you both?

8 months and you're engaged? And he still sort of wears his wedding ring and has her ashes on display?

Hmm. I don't know what I think, but it seems fast.

In my experience, most widowed people continue to wear their wedding ring indefinitely, unless they re-marry. He is probably taking it off out of respect to you whilst you are together, but putting it back on again when you are apart. I wouldn't read anything else into it at all.

Yes, who told you this, and why? Are they a reliable person, or a shit-stirrer?

Eight months does seem incredibly quick to get engaged...

Photos are fine, I'd ask him what he planned to do re rings when you marry as you've heard he still wears his wedding ring. When is he going to lay his wife's ashes to rest? I'd feel that if someone hasn't scattered someone's ashes they aren't ready to move on. My father took years to scatter my mother's ashes and got very emotional when we finally did it.

Do you know when you know you know and time actually does not matter. 30 and married 5weeks later and kids etc now and still happy. The ring thing it's not a problem from how I'm looking at it first it will feel awful strange taking it off after so long and it not being there and it doesn't matter how many years you always grieve in a way for someone who was loved that also does not mean it's strange because our heart still has the ability to love others to not just drop memories from a previous marriage. I don't see any warning signs other than the person who told you troublemaking.

Maybe he wears it because he doesn't want women to think he's available!

He needs to make up his mind. I have first hand experience of this. It's not that you want to pretend that he didn't have another life, but you need to know that if he wants to be with you, he has to demonstrate that he has moved on.

There is nothing wrong with looking back affectionately to the past, but if he chooses to have a new relationship then certain aspects of his old life need to be put in the background.

When I began a relationship with a widower, I pretty much told him what I have typed above. If he is unable to demonstrate, honestly, to you that he wants to be with you, then I think you might have to question whether he is ready for a new relationship with you.

Sod all this ashes lark, that needs to go. One nice pic of him and late wife on display is fine of course. Ask him outright about this ring nonsense. If he is messing about, then he is not ready.

That's a lot of enduring attachment after 9 years - ashes prominently displayed, photos all over. Why is the wedding ring even around after engagement to you?

Does he have children?
You haven't asked about this aspect, OP, but given the depth of his feeling for his late wife, I'm wondering what the living arrangements will be. Marriage is legal as well as personal.

This. He is not over his past and he is still “acting” married to her when you are not around.
this is not ok, call off the engagement .

I am in a relationship with a widower. He was widowed at age 39.

He has children and in their home is one family portrait from when the kids were young and the last Polaroid he took of his wife and daughter on a bookshelf. There are no ashes etc. He does not wear his wedding ring and there is nothing in his room of hers (his daughter has things in her room).

I think it’s tricky because wearing the wedding ring is fine, until he decided to want to marry you. At this point he needs to make the break and move on.

You need to speak to him about things.

The ring I'd have a problem with but think the photo and ashes are fine, people don't have to scatter ashes if he wants to keep them, so be it, it's not a threat to op