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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Help - Driving me mad

25 replies

ODB · 16/05/2024 13:49

Good afternoon,

I don't have many women in my life that id be confident in asking this following question to and the men who I'm asking are swaying with the exact same thought process as me. I was at a loss as to where to post, but thought a forum full of women may be the best place.

Ok,

So my partner has a guy who she is very close with, he was with her mum for 13 years but then broke up. They (my partner and him) didn't see each other for around 9 years until I organised a surprise meet up. We then started seeing him every other month, trying to build that relationship back up. She has never once called him dad or anything like that but I would have assumed that's where her head was at.....maybe

Anyway he had another divorce two years ago and he was messaging my partner allot whilst he was going through the break up. He said she helped him get through it when he needed somebody so he paid for a holiday for the two of them to go away (this was last year)

They went on holiday for 4 days, separate rooms and from what she says, they had a good time.

then comes Christmas just gone he messaged my partner saying he'd like to take her away again - All good, enjoy your self, I'm cool with that - no issues.

About 2 weeks ago I found out that they wasn't having separate rooms this time.. A little odd I thought but whatever. Until a couple of days before the holiday, my partner comes out the shower bald as a 90 year old man with alopecia. I really didn't think anything at the time. On that evening I said to her that she had missed some bits, nothing really but odd bit here and there as you do. The next night she got in the shower and shaved them off

Now, my partner only shaves for hot holidays, swimming and upon my request if its getting a bit hard to see down there.

Why has she now chose to shave before going on a city break in spring with a guy who's she sharing a room with?

Help me see this from a woman's perspective, please! Make it make sense to me!

I did ask for a photo of the hotel and the rooms, I said I'm jealous but I wanted to know if there was a double bed or two singles. The picture she shown was a double bed and a sofa bed in the corner made up.

Also, just to add to the confusion - When she facetimes us at night, she is in the made up bed which has now moved to the bottom of the double bed. Surely any man out there would let the woman sleep in the big bed and not an un-comfy one for 4 nights?

Again,

Please help me make sense of this situation. If I confront her about this I'm going to be made out to be the weird one for even thinking this but the circumstances around this are just very weird for most men to wrap their heads around

OP posts:
LocalHobo · 16/05/2024 13:52

upon my request if its getting a bit hard to see down there.
Wow! This should be her decision alone.

Bankholidayhelp · 16/05/2024 13:53

Not sure why you organised a suprise meet up but that's fine now.

I would be jealous and think were having an affair. And in the open, not even trying to hide it.

Not sure what you do now, but I'd be asking her to leave.

ODB · 16/05/2024 13:55

LocalHobo · 16/05/2024 13:52

upon my request if its getting a bit hard to see down there.
Wow! This should be her decision alone.

Please dont take this post there. we've been together 20 years.

If thats all you have dissected from this post then you have issues

OP posts:
ODB · 16/05/2024 13:57

Bankholidayhelp · 16/05/2024 13:53

Not sure why you organised a suprise meet up but that's fine now.

I would be jealous and think were having an affair. And in the open, not even trying to hide it.

Not sure what you do now, but I'd be asking her to leave.

Her real father had died a year or so before and there was allot of photos with the man who I'm having suspicions about. I just thought it would be nice for them to see each other again as he was in her life for a long time

hey, I'm a nice guy. I didn't foresee this lol

OP posts:
OneLemonOrca · 16/05/2024 14:00

ODB · 16/05/2024 13:57

Her real father had died a year or so before and there was allot of photos with the man who I'm having suspicions about. I just thought it would be nice for them to see each other again as he was in her life for a long time

hey, I'm a nice guy. I didn't foresee this lol

So your wife is having an affair with her mother’s partner?..

NosyJosie · 16/05/2024 14:01

This is all kinds of weird, I’d have the ick as well and I feel like they’ve developed an unhealthy relationship here.

I have questions:

What was the background to you arranging the surprise after 9 years of not seeing him?

Does mum know her daughter is going on holidays with her ex and if so what does she think?

How old is everyone now and how old was she when he was with her mum?

Does she have a similar relationship with her biological father?

BobbyBiscuits · 16/05/2024 14:02

It seems suspicious. I'm surprised you didn't raise eyebrows about how he leant on her so heavily after his divorce, and the other holidays too.

The shaving thing alone isn't really the big issue. I'd say I'd shave for any holiday, just bc it feels better and there's a chance you'll be wearing light/small clothes or swimwear. Even in a city.

But you must confront her about her relationship with this guy. If she doesn't want to share messages then you'll have your answer. At best it could be he fancies her, she's oblivious and not interested, but I'd say you need the truth.

NosyJosie · 16/05/2024 14:03

My post got answered somewhat above - cheers

Dadjoke007 · 16/05/2024 14:04

ODB · 16/05/2024 13:55

Please dont take this post there. we've been together 20 years.

If thats all you have dissected from this post then you have issues

I agree, my ex GF didn't like my hairy back so had it waxed.

But to your question, I would have said no 2nd time around. It is dodgy IMO and while it could well be innocent, there are too many red flags for me. That said she is being open with you so who knows!

Personally I would be jealous and worried that this friendship will lead to issues.

JuiceBoxJuggler · 16/05/2024 14:09

LocalHobo · 16/05/2024 13:52

upon my request if its getting a bit hard to see down there.
Wow! This should be her decision alone.

Oh dear, you are what's wrong with society. If they have been together for years and have an agreement and it doesn't bother her - why does it matter?

JuiceBoxJuggler · 16/05/2024 14:10

Dadjoke007 · 16/05/2024 14:04

I agree, my ex GF didn't like my hairy back so had it waxed.

But to your question, I would have said no 2nd time around. It is dodgy IMO and while it could well be innocent, there are too many red flags for me. That said she is being open with you so who knows!

Personally I would be jealous and worried that this friendship will lead to issues.

This.

I would ask what was going on - it's a weird, weird situation.

maclen · 16/05/2024 14:14

How old are they?

ODB · 16/05/2024 14:17

maclen · 16/05/2024 14:14

How old are they?

35
51

OP posts:
maclen · 16/05/2024 14:29

I would say they are cheating. Why are you not invited? It's weird and you're letting it happen...

CeffylCoch · 16/05/2024 14:30

Very weird. I think he fancies her. There may be something going on, or she may be oblivious. Inappropriate at best!

Yahyahs22 · 16/05/2024 14:32

Yeah no, that's an affair. Trust me.

NosyJosie · 16/05/2024 14:55

ODB · 16/05/2024 14:17

35
51

What Are You Doing Reaction GIF

So she lost contact with him around the age of 24 and he was effectively her step dad from age around 10 until she left home?

ODB · 16/05/2024 14:59

I was hoping somebody would be thinking the exact opposite as me and was able to brake it down into a woman's way. This hasn't happened yet

The hardest part is yet to come, because there will be no admittance. Should it live rent free in my mind forever and continue down this path thinking that the obvious has happened, or do i move away - 2 kids involved too so makes it a little bit harder.

Thanks for all the replies

OP posts:
Savemydrink · 16/05/2024 15:15

Who goes on holidays with their mother’s ex boyfriend????? This is all kinds of wrong

SamW98 · 16/05/2024 15:19

Sorry but this sounds like an episode if Jeremy Kyle. It’s all sorts of wrong from both of them.

It does seem like they have at the very least an emotional attachment but more likely they’re having b an affair in plain sight.

Regardless of whether it’s sexual or not it’s very very off and you’re 💯 right to call them out

NosyJosie · 16/05/2024 15:37

ODB · 16/05/2024 14:59

I was hoping somebody would be thinking the exact opposite as me and was able to brake it down into a woman's way. This hasn't happened yet

The hardest part is yet to come, because there will be no admittance. Should it live rent free in my mind forever and continue down this path thinking that the obvious has happened, or do i move away - 2 kids involved too so makes it a little bit harder.

Thanks for all the replies

Well first and foremost I would not let this man anywhere near your kids.

If there is an affair in the best case scenario, they’ve developed feelings since he came back into her life.
Worst case scenario, there was SA when he was her step dad and there’s all sorts of dysfunction going on.

I really want to know what her mum’s view on all this is?

DaisyChain505 · 16/05/2024 15:55

I would be trying to spend more time with them together so you can see for yourself if there’s any chemistry/signs etc.

It’s not a complete unknown for people to end up with step parents so it can happen.

Justcallmebebes · 16/05/2024 16:02

I have a step dad who I am a lot closer to than I was to my father, but no way would we be going away on our own and sharing a room. Dodgy as fuck imo and a bit incestuous as he was, in reality, a father figure in her life

I would not like this at all

K8ate · 16/05/2024 18:46

LocalHobo · 16/05/2024 13:52

upon my request if its getting a bit hard to see down there.
Wow! This should be her decision alone.

Wow!
She’s sleeping with this guy and that’s the best you can come up with?!!!
What the heck is wrong with you?

Savemydrink · 16/05/2024 22:16

NosyJosie · 16/05/2024 15:37

Well first and foremost I would not let this man anywhere near your kids.

If there is an affair in the best case scenario, they’ve developed feelings since he came back into her life.
Worst case scenario, there was SA when he was her step dad and there’s all sorts of dysfunction going on.

I really want to know what her mum’s view on all this is?

I would also want to know the mums take on this. Maybe this was the reason for their breakup in the first place.

You need to have a serious conversation with your partner, if it’s what you suspect, kick her out and in future, don't interfere in other peoples past lives/relationships. You have no idea what lies in muddy waters.

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