I don’t really know what I want to gain from posting this other than to having a sounding board for everything that I’m feeling! (Long post alert)
my partner and I have been together for 17.5 years, lived together for 12.5 years but not married, we have 3 children following a period of 4 years of infertility on my part. Both my pregnancies were conceived through medicated IUI (4yr old and 3yr old old twins). Following the first I found out I had an autoimmune condition, which had an impact following my 2nd pregnancy in terms of my mental health and energy levels particularly when I went back to work. Our intimacy levels did dip quite abit, but I found I was very touched out having 3 small children under 4.
I’m going to preface this by saying he’s a really good dad, he’s a good provider for our family and he is an all round good guy!
But last September I got a message from a guy, telling me my partner was messaging his wife, and that he had deleted/blocked his number fb etc and that I didn’t have to worry as he wouldn’t be able to contact her again but that he was going to speak to his wife the next day and just thought that he should make me aware out of courtesy. He sent me a couple of screen shots of the messages that definitely had some sexual context but some was just general chit chat. After alittle concern as to why he would be going through his wife’s phone (worried she may have been unhappy or he was jealous/controlling) it came to light it was a brief chance encounter they used to work together And had text from there. He had see my partners name and saw she was messaging him photos of her in underwear when he questioned her she said she was sending a new bikini photo to her sister. So he was obviously curious. Personally I wouldn’t have had any idea as I wouldn’t look at my partners phone.
I questioned my partner on this knowing most of the information I advised he be completely honest as I already knew, he immediately went on the defensive, almost scoffing at the accusation saying that’s her husband, she disclosed to my partner that she was unhappy in her marriage to him and he was this and that etc… after alittle more “I’ve seen the messages I know it wasn’t just her”, he offered that he messaged her as he felt that they had a mutual understanding as he felt unhappy in our relationship for similar reasons, I was unsupportive and inattentive to him, she wasn’t his type and it just felt good to talk to someone who understood how he felt. I said I could understand how I may have had some responsibility in this, I knew I had pulled back from him in our relationship, and we had talked about how we could improve things.
A week later I found out I was pregnant, complete surprise, I didn’t think I could get pregnant naturally, hadn’t been trying to avoid it but we both knew the situation, and had both been open on how we felt, I had always said if it happened I wouldn’t be upset about it, I had always wanted 4, but was happy with 3. He was a firm no more I’m having a vasectomy (but he didn’t have one despite saying it on a regular basis) he only wanted 2 but was happy with 3.
When I told him he was pretty much “we can’t keep it, we can’t afford it, it will impact on our other children and the life we want for them”. I took everything he said on board and to some extent understood how he felt and tried really hard to come to a compromise but I just could not after everything we have been through to get a baby and there being nothing medical to suggest I end the pregnancy have a termination. I tried really hard to weigh up both sides seeking advice from counsellors, very close friends, my mum. But couldn’t bring myself to terminate, I knew that it would affect my mental health and my children’s lives more than if we just struggled financially for a while etc. He however, I don’t think tried to see it from my point at all, he tried to convince me termination was the only option, he went with the financial angle, the your selfish ruining everyone else’s future angle, the I don’t want any more kids, I won’t love it and feel guilty angle, the it’s affecting my mental health angle, and the worst of all, the we can’t afford it now but if you terminate we can think about it in the future angle, which even in the vulnerable state I was in actively felt like a manipulative comment considering he had already said he didn’t want any more children and if I kept it that he would have to leave. I did accept he was under a lot of stress aswell and this may not have been our finest hour as we had completely different opinions and there would be no perfect choice as someone would ultimately be upset they didnt get their way. We even had a couples councilling session, my partner quickly realised he wasn’t going to get his way and would be inclined to look at my point of view and disengaged.
After a conversation with him I suggested he should have a vasectomy if he didn’t want more children but I wasn’t terminating. He had a vasectomy in November.
I talked him into coming to the 12 week scan beginning of December because I didn’t want him to not have the experience with this child as he did with the others, and his fear that he wouldn’t bond with it or feel guilty when it was here because he didn’t want it. despite some awful comments the night before, “you shouldn’t have another one, you can’t look after the ones you’ve got”. We went in and I knew instantly that it was not a 12 week baby as it should be ( I had a private scan at 6+6 to confirm if it was a single or multiple pregnancy.) and they confirmed that there was no heartbeat, it had stopped growing around 8 weeks. I was heartbroken, I felt like my world had collapsed around me, and I knew I couldn’t look at my partners face for fear I would see relief in his eyes.
I spent a week waiting for a surgical d&c under GA, and was the lowest I’d ever felt, id wake up forgetting I wasn’t pregnant and relive the pain. The night before the d&c I had caught out of the corner of my eye that he was looking at photos of a woman on his WhatsApp, it wasn’t the same woman from the September but i didn’t see a name I hadn’t raised it at the time as our little boy was in the middle of us and we were getting ready for bed, plus mentally I wasn’t in the right place to have an argument about it.
i then had to go back for a scan as my hcg was still elevated 3 weeks later(positive pregnancy test) i was told from the first d&c histology showed i had a partial molar pregnancy and that it would never have been a viable pregnancy, but there was tissue remaining and that i had to have it removed and be followed up due to risk it could turn cancerous, i had an evacuation under local, in jan and had to return for another 10 days later because they couldn’t get it all. A few days after I ended up in a&e because I had heavy bleeding and admitted overnight for fluids and medication to stop the bleeding. Finally in March I got the clear it was all gone it wasn’t cancerous!
Following the 1st my partner was semi supportive he took care of the kids and the house around what I could manage, but he seemed normal he acted like nothing had happened, like all the conversations we had hadn’t happened. Helen was physically supportive but emotionally he was not what I needed. But he started a fight with me before the 2nd evacuation and I called him out about the photos I had seen, he completely stonewalled me, saying he didn’t know what I was talking about and could only think that it was a photo from a stag do group he was in that I had seen. I let it go because I still wasn’t in a good place. But after some counselling following the miscarriage i felt like we needed to have a proper discussion I tried but felt like he didn’t want to talk about it and any time I raised something about him or his behaviour he just turned it around to something I had done that upset him. After this was the a&e visit in feb, and I’ve basically ignored it and tried to concentrate on getting my mental health back to normal, it’s been such a confusing 7/8 months and I’m at a point where I felt like the person he was during that time wasn’t the person I knew and it’s tainted the way I feel about him. I did feel like things were getting better until we went on a weekend away with the kids and he had his phone set up in the car, he was messaging a friend on fb about football(still on the drive not yet driving), (I was in the back seat so had a front row seat to his screen) when he backed out of that message there was an unread message from a ‘Chloe’ didn’t see the surname, and I wouldn’t have thought much more about it as he has lots of friends male and female he’s very social, but it was the way he clicked off and his eyes locked on the rear view mirror to see my reaction and if I had seen it, there was genuine panic in his eyes.
And now I’m here, 3 beautiful children, a lovely job and house, from the outside a ‘perfect life’ but with a man that I think Im no longer in love with, and whom I think looking back has probably never been faithful- I’ve had lots of gut instinct moments that he was cheating, but no evidence, back then I was smitten with him. Now his attitude to me during the pregnancy has made me lose the rose coloured glasses and I can’t go back.
My problem is, I can’t afford to stay without him and I don’t want to uproot my children’s childhood.
Do I need to tell him how I feel, wait it out or just leave?
I really want to have a discussion with him and be honest about how I feel but I know how he is and I just know it won’t go the way I hope.