Emotional intimacy

[User364837]

Been seeing someone for 7 months. It’s my first proper relationship since coming out of a long marriage.

i feel really lucky to have met him given the quality of many men on OLD, he’s kind, sensitive, wants to be there for me, he’s interested in the world, makes me laugh, gives amazing hugs, the sex is good, he is really respectful and understanding that my 3 DDs come first, we’re financially in similar positions so can do nice things together etc etc.

it’s his first relationship after his wife who he was together with for 19 years died suddenly. He has a son who’s now 12 (was 10 when he lost his mum).

im just finding I’m really up and down with it. We’re keeping it quite light, neither of us are up for being on a road to moving in, marriage, blending families etc. we both agree we want it to be fun, warm and to have an openness we both didn’t have in our marriages. He definitely isn’t looking for a replacement wife or mum for his son and has been clear about that.

all good so far.

but, when we haven’t seen each other for a few days, or been physically intimate because of my period or whatever, I just feel really disconnected from him. There is daily messaging, not excessively, and it just feels superficial sometimes.

I think I’m feeling a lack of emotional intimacy.

he’s super super positive and very much like “everything is awesome”. I really like his positivity but sometimes it feels a bit superficial. I don’t think he’s being deliberately fake but maybe it’s a coping mechanism for him?
it makes me feel like I can’t really say to him if I’m just feeling a bit low.
he’s quite pragmatic and matter of fact and quite routine based so he tends to message at similar times in the morning or evening and is normally stuff like “hope you’ve had a great day!”. I don’t know why but I feel like I can’t really say if I’m feeling down or if we meet up for a coffee and chat sometimes I feel like I’m wittering on about my own stuff, and he listens politely but doesn’t really share back.

am I the weird one? Do I need to not be emotionally reliant on someone else? Am I too emotionally needy? Or do I need to accept I do have higher emotional needs than him and find someone who’s a better match for this and wants to share on a deeper level?

the thing is at this point in my life this probably is the sort of thing I need as the kids come first and I’m busy. But I don’t know why I feel off about it and makes me feel he’s not that into me even tho when we’ve talked about stuff I’ve felt reassured.

sorry for the brain dump!

I’m wondering if whether when we have sex it gives me a sense of emotional intimacy (we have lovely cuddles and chats after), or a false sense of emotional intimacy if this is a thing? But then in those times when we’re not doing that due to period or clashing diaries it’s like the underlying intimacy isn’t there.

Well, what strikes me is that he's watched the mother of his children and his wife of nearly 20 years die two years ago, and had to deal with his own and his children's grief, so daily niggles and problems may well feel genuinely much smaller?

But ultimately, it's not working for you, so why doesn't matter.

This is true.
He feels he is doing very well with his grief and that him and his son are getting on great, and it is true he is doing a brilliant job.
I do sometimes wonder if he’ll look back and realise he wasn’t quite as okay as he thought he was, if that makes sense.

as I didn’t know him before I don’t know whether he is slightly emotionally closed off because of what happened (would be understandable) or was always a bit like that (suspect a bit of this). He has seen a counsellor a little bit but generally feels like he doesn’t need it as he’s kind of worked through the stages.

although it was generally an ok marriage from what I understand, he has talked about enjoying finding out who he is rather than him as part of him and her since they were together since aged 19 (he’s 45 now) and I think he is enjoying the independence even though it was forced upon him.

the problem is it is working for me on many levels. And I don’t know if maybe it’s healthier than finding/looking for something very emotionally intense.

But you feeling he's emotionally closed off is bothering you enough to post about it on here, therefore a key element of a new relationship is really not working for you...?

What exactly do you want that you're not getting?

I wonder whether the fact you've both (rightly, IMO) decided not to merge lives and families means that it will always feel like you're living two parallel lives?

I would imagine living two parallel lives (one at home with your kids, and one when you can with him) would feel a bit disconnected, which would transfer into the relationship?

Only you can decide whether the benefits of not merging your life with his life is worth the inevitable impact that has on your relationship.

Having watched friends blend families and partners post divorce, I would think the negatives that brings to everyone is worth the slight distance in the romantic relationship. Though I'm sure there are successful merges out there where the relationship and merges family all thrive, I am not sure if risk it personally; I'd live with the living two lives!

I think I’m feeling a lack of emotional intimacy

You don't need to pick this apart any further; you need to work out whether it's something you want to live with.

Essentially you're saying that he's not really engaging with all the facets of you, and you want someone who does. It doesn't matter if, in all other ways, he's a god. He isn't giving you what you want, and there's nothing wrong with you wanting what you want.

Really good points to think about thank you

What exactly do you want that you're not getting?

really good question I’ve been thinking on. I guess two way emotional intimacy. To feel that he trusts me with his true feelings and emotions and leans on me, and that I can do the same with him. I know he wants to be there for me and has been already in some difficult times, but if the other person isn’t sharing in the same way I think it can make you start to hold back.

@HappyAsASandboy i think that’s a good point and I’d definitely pick that too, my kids are 8-16yrs and they know about him and have met him but don’t particularly want to hang out, and why would they, what’s in it for them! With everything we’ve been through and the changes they need stability and to feel like the four of us are a little unit, with them going to their dads EOW I can see him when they’re not around. We also meet for a couple of wfh lunch hours in the week.

my head says I’ve got time when they’re older to pursue something more intense and all consuming, and this is perfect for where I am now .

my heart (sometimes) says it wants more - more contact in between seeing each other, more validation, more dopamine hits of romance, and more emotional sharing and connection.

but maybe it just doesn’t work well for us over message. I just saw him briefly and it was lovely and I feel more connected again and reassured about everything and like im a being a bit silly.

like im a being a bit silly

That's your conditioning speaking. Imagine if your daughter felt something; would you say to her 'Well, your feelings about that are just a bit silly.' and leave it there? If not, what would you say to her that would be a bit more supportive and understanding?

I think it’s hard to tell from the outside whether there’s something missing or whether you’re worrying needlessly, because people have such different approaches to falling in love. If you usually find yourself deep in without second guessing the process, then maybe there’s something to think about. But if you’ve historically been a worrier and a doubter, then maybe there’s nothing wrong with not feeling 100% connected all the time. It must be hard for him to open up to someone else after such a long time with someone else ending tragically. It could feel quite threatening to him to feel the emotional intimacy that you want more of. In which case maybe you just need more time for him to relax into the relationship. But that might not work if you feel bereft when there’s a bit more space between you?

No you’re right
that was badly worded
its trying to work out what I really want and need really, and what part hormones might be playing

Thank you that’s helpful
and yes I’m not sure either if there’s actually something missing or I’m worrying needlessly. I’ve seen him today and he was chatty and lovely and affectionate and I feel all fine about it again. It’s just sustaining the feeling or connection over message and not starting to feel like he’s not into it. Maybe that’s my insecurity though.

I think I want more emotional intensity but do I really? I have found someone very genuine, loyal and affectionate. And as I said above, this isn’t the time in my life to have an all consuming thing with the love of my life.

Part of the issue is my inexperience, I was with my husband for 20yrs and he was my first proper boyfriend.

This could be my OH. I have struggled over the years with the lack of connection, emotional intimacy, lack of closeness.. whatever it is, but it is missing. He doesn't understand the problem so can't really fix it. I think some people are just like this fundamentally. Otherwise he is Mr Perfect so it is a sacrifice I make. If you can live with it, stay. If not, get out now.

I think I can live with it for now. It’s a new relationship and something light is probably what I need, in truth.

im not looking for a life partner and don’t think he’s “the one” but it most of the time works well for me at the moment,

I think I’ll just keep trying to enjoy it for what it is, and keep it under review, if after a year or so then it doesn’t feel like it’s going anywhere or deepening then I should perhaps call it a day at that point.

I wish I didn’t overthink everything so much!

Are you over thinking because you are at odds with yourself? You've just said in the same breath that you don't want a long term relationship and don't think he's the one, but also you'll be reviewing it to see if it's going anywhere or deepening. Going where? Deepening to what depth, if you're not looking for long term and you're going to be reviewing depth in a year? It sounds like you've got a messy internal venn diagram going on where you're convincing yourself that you don't want a serious, long term relationship, whilst also wanting your relationship to feel it's going deeper on a year by year basis.

What do you want? Until you decide, nothing will be right, because some of the boxes you need ticking are mutually exclusive with some of the other boxes you need ticking. No wonder you're overthinking; it looks like you've set yourself an unsolvable riddle.

I’m in a similar relationship. Hes a bit emotionally closed off due to an abusive childhood and subsequent relationships which were messed up in many ways (mainly due to him and his MH issues/coping mechanisms)

Having done online dating for some years I really can’t face it again, so although I wouldn’t say I’m “settling” for him, I’m willing to take it slowly and work on it over time rather than jump ship because everything isn’t perfect already. A kind caring man who’s good in bed is worth a lot at this stage!!

Er yes this is totally fair!
what I want seems to change with my hormones (peri which probably isn’t helping 🙄)
but really do appreciate all the pertinent questions.

I guess what I want is to know I’m going to meet the love of my life and not be alone when I’m older. That’s the deep down truth! Now that the initial euphoria of leaving my not very nice marriage has passed I’m finding myself more feeling like I’d be fine but I’d rather not be alone esp when the kids have left home.

and ideally I’d meet someone lovely now where I could feel closeness and love, but we’d still lead our own busy lives and then later down the line take things to the next level.

what I said/thought I wanted was just to date and enjoy meeting interesting men and having someone to have fun with, in the bedroom and out of it.

I feel similar! He’s great in so many ways and is really open to trying to be a “good boyfriend” which is very sweet.
and I think as a distinctly averagely attractive woman approaching her mid 40s I do have to be realistic about what’s out there!

Harsh but true! My friends are all like “oh you deserve the best!” and I’m like “I’m fat, 50 and floundering! I’m a nice person and I have a lot of love to give but they’re not exactly queuing up at my door, I need to be realistic and make some compromises”

in fairness he’s an absolute sweetheart and I hope we’ll be friends even if the relationship part doesn’t last, so I’m just taking things one day at a time and enjoying it for what it is. He’s probably more focussed on the future than I am, and regularly panics that I’ll break his heart etc which is going to be a self fulfilling prophecy if he keeps me at arms length. But for now we make each other happy, we have amazing sex and keep in touch with cute messages while we’re apart, which is good enough for me!

Aw I would like a few more cute messages and for him maybe to appear slightly concerned about me breaking his heart 😆 but I do get flowers! And he helps me take stuff to the tip in his big car ☺️ #romance

I would say trust your instinct and end the relationship, hard as it will be.

I was with someone like this and it never changed in three years. We lived together for a year and I felt like I had a housemate.

To start with it was great having a housemate who I had great sex with and enjoyed spending time with but as the reality kicked in and I realised he was never going to be emotionally intimate with me I lost the sense of physical attraction as well.

A lot of things were the same as you're describing eg the "everything is always great" vibe.
If I wanted to talk about something in the relationship he always shut me down and said he loved me and just wanted to have a nice time, so would buy flowers and take me out for an expensive dinner to make me feel guilty for "picking a fight" by questioning any of his other behaviours which demonstrated his inability to meaningfully prioritise me and what I wanted in a relationship.

The most worrying thing you've said is that you felt silly. I used to question myself as to why I was unhappy when he was so "lovely" and he would encourage this by saying I was the one with the issue and never satisfied etc. When I look back I realise it was a form of gaslighting and I was really sad to end it but ultimately my gut feeling is relief.

Oh and what @BigPussyEnergy said was true for me. He was always saying he was worried he wasn't good enough for me as I am younger and more attractive. By keeping me at arms length he did end up pushing me away, which was nothing to do with the superficial reasons he didn't feel good enough.

ideally I’d meet someone lovely now where I could feel closeness and love

You're not going to meet someone who can offer you this whilst you stay in a relationship that doesn't offer you this. Or, if you do, things will feel even worse that they do now. Free yourself up. You're filling yourself up on plain porridge and then complaining that your diet is boring.

@User364837 I think you are invalidating your very valid emotional needs.

It’s not a bit silly to want emotional intimacy, you’re not a silly hormonal woman, it’s not a choice between a surface level emotional connection (which seems to be what you feel you have now) and someone “very intense”.

I don’t see why you think you have to have something sub optimal “for now” and park your needs until some undefined point in the future.

I came out of a 21 years relationship/marriage in 2022. My ex was very emotionally stunted (also an abusive twat but even if he wasn’t he was very withholding). No emotional intimacy whatsoever, no affection, no reflecting on our inner lives. I realise now that I accepted those breadcrumbs because I had been conditioned to by my own upbringing. My parents were very loving of me as a small child but as I grew into a teenager there was no emotional intimacy with them, my mum would use any personal information you shared against you, you’d often be told you were “too sensitive” if she said something to hurt you and as a result I became hyper independent, practically and emotionally, disregarded my own emotional needs, and ended up with my horrible exH.

I didn’t leave my unhappy marriage to go into something similar. I need to be loved and seen. I am now in a really happy relationship with my wonderful DP who has the patience of a saint with me 😂 - probing about his past relationships, me sharing mine, testing his emotional responses to things, sharing my own vulnerabilities etc etc. It is a one distance relationship so having that emotional connection is especially important I think. Conversations that could otherwise lead to fights with a different partner bring us closer together. He is the best and I can’t believe I spent 20 years being emotionally invalidated, it is a very lonely place to be.

oh yes the “picking a fight” @mrsplum2015 when you dare to broach a topic that is difficult or complex, I remember that 😐 Ultimately on my best day with my exH we could have been mates down at the pub, there was nothing whatsoever intimate or unique or special about our connection

I'm struggling a bit to see what you think is missing from your posts @User364837

You say you think it's 2 way emotional intimacy, but then give examples showing that feelings are being shared.

You've mentioned him telling you that he's enjoying learning about himself as a single person. That's got to be quite a hard thing to say for him, that a positive thing is happening to him because of a loved ones death. That's not a sentiment that he's likely to be sharing with just anyone.

And you mention that he's already helped you through a hard time or two already, so he doesn't seem emotionally stunted in that way either.

You seem to think that he should be feeling different emotions, still be visibly grieving. A lot of men just aren't like that. After my Mum died I don't think DP saw me cry once, because it didn't tend to hit me when I was with someone else, but when I was alone with my own thoughts. Grief wasn't really something I felt the need to share, even with my DP of 17 years.

Another thing to think about is that when we're young, when we get into a relationship we tend to live in each others pockets. We see each other every other day at least, we don't really get time to miss each other.

Relationships when you're older and already have kids are different. You have to wait to see each other and have more time for doubts to creep in. If the relationship is good when you're together, then I'd say the relationship is good. The stuff happening in between the relationship isn't really the relationship, it's just real life getting in the way.