Misjudging significance

[AspirationaJess]

Hi,

im hoping someone can shed some light on how I’m feeling or just offer some sort of insight.

its occurred to me that I’ve misjudged my significance in people’s lives my entire life. Often left out or just not remembered when I place a lot of significance on my relationships.

people don’t show up for me in the way I do for them. And I wonder if i just have a mismatched or unrealistic expectation or if there are really people out there who genuinely have solid relationships that rally around one another consistently and maintain relationships.

Oh, I hear you! I feel like this at times as well.

I'm afraid I have no insight, just wanted you to know you're not alone.

Sending virtual hugs.

It sounds as if you may be a people-pleaser? I think a side-effect of this which often leads to covert resentment is that the more ‘services’ you offer, the more you make yourself invisible in your friendships, because they become all about the other person’s needs and problems and your help/listening/support. In your shoes I would think about the choices you’re making in your friendships that are contributing to this dynamic, because it’s seldom just the other person taking advantage, especially if this is a pattern across different friendships.

Thank you.

it definitely does lead to resentment and then me thinking twice about what I do for people and subsequently me being alone/lonely because nothing really changes.

so I guess the thing that motivates me to do things for people is MY expectation that i would want to be treated like that and I think that somehow is a trade off. In reality, no amount of effort guarantees that.

it doesn’t change the fact that I’ve not found anyone who consistently wants to be there for me. Romantic or platonic. Whilst many many people comment on how thoughtful, caring and a good friend I am. All of my romantic relationships have said they haven’t felt love from anyone else in this way before.

so i don’t know. I guess I’m loving like I need/want to be loved.

it feels like rejection though

There are a couple of things that people-pleasers don't realise.

The first is that people don't value you according to the value you give them, they value you according to the value you place on yourself.

This means that it is best to hold your own self, time and activities as being of utmost importance at the start of a relationship of any type, and, as mumsnet likes to say, only give as much as you would be happy to lose completely.

The second - and this is huge - we create greater intimacy when we allow others to help us. When you become the one everyone relies on, not only do you find you have no-one to rely on yourself, it also has the effect of shutting down intimacy, because people love to feel valuable, and allowing them to help gives them that feeling.

So this is why relationships should always be reciprocal. I had to be really firm with myself at first with this, especially with new people and acquaintances. I will help at the drop of a hat if someone asks, but unless they outright ask, I don't offer help. Hints are ignored, as hints are very often attempts at manipulation.

If I need help with something, I ask - and again, this is hard, so begin with something small. If someone is not a helper type, they will dodge it, but the vast majority of people will want to help, so if you have helped someone, and they won't help you, that is an important data point about where they should sit in your circle of trust.

Natalie Lue has some great resources on the circle of trust and other great advice for relationships of all types:
https://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/circle-of-trust-discernment/

and this is a decent explanation of the importance of allowing others to help:
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/compassion-matters/202110/how-let-people-help-you