I'm ending it finally - advice and some courage please?

[Swiftrunner]

I am planning to end things with my partner imminently after over a year of being completely miserable. Gaslighting, controlling, punching walls etc along with other day to day annoyances and I have finally realised I deserve better. The fear of my life in another 10 years with him is finally weighing out my fear of being alone.

Unfortunately I still feel terrified of actually doing it and almost conditioned not to go against him. I am scared of trying to go back afterwards and that is just not an option this time, I need to stick to it for good. On top of this he has already told me previously he will be keeping the dog and I'll never see her again which is one of the things I'm really struggling with but trying to accept.

So I guess just looking for some advice to look back to when I faulter and how to get through this?

Congratulations on having the courage to make this decision

On a practical level who owns the house? Who owns the dog? If she's jointly owned could you take her when you leave (when he's away from the property), he can get a court order deciding who has her. Remember if he's a vindictive, nasty man he could put her down just to upset you. Not worth leaving her if you have a friend or can afford kennels for a week.

When I had to do this I thought through some ways he might react and I planned some short set things to say to keep me on track. I expected him to be angry, and thinking that through helped me get started.

Are you expecting him to leave immediately? To be heartbroken? To argue?

OP, you know you are doing the right thing. It’s difficult to make the break, but it gets easier every day once you have stepped away. Keep focused on the life you will enjoy without him crushing you xxx

We jointly own both the house and the dog but he will stay in the house as he thinks it's more his than mine... I'll have to move to a friend and the dog can't come sadly, I know he won't hurt her as his family would make sure of it and I don't think I have any option.

I think he will just shut down and not speak to me, silent treatment. Then probably get angry and tell me I've ruined his life and whatever else to make me feel awful! Not bothered about his reaction anymore, it's more my own mentality I am worried about of instantly wanting to go back

Well done for making the decision.

On a practical level, do you have a friend/s that you can talk to in person, who might help you move? If you haven't been honest with them about the relationship up until now, try to be so now. It'll help you feel less isolated and give you people to talk to when things are hard.

You deserve to have a happy and free life. Hold onto that.

@Fukuraptor thanks. Yes my friends know, one is helping me with somewhere to stay initially. A few others have distanced themselves from me because I've stayed with him so long and they were fed up with it, so already feel a bit lonely/isolated on that front.

A few others have distanced themselves from me because I've stayed with him so long and they were fed up with it
Perfectly natural as they needed to protect their own mh, however once they know you are trying to leave im sure they will come back and help you stay away. Please contact them after you have left.

Contact your GP surgery and see if they can refer you to therapy, even a short six week course is better than nothing.

Make sure you take/copy anything precious before you leave officially such as photos, passport, birth certificate. Take your share of any joint accounts and get your name off them asap. Long term he needs to buy the house off you, or you sell it and split the equity so make sure you have copies of relevant paperwork. Change passwords to anything joint if it's in your name eg amazon or Netflix.

And stand up tall. You deserve a good and safe life free from violence. You are worth it

@AutumnFroglets thank you for the useful advice and hopefully you are right about friends.