It was never 'meant to be' was it?

[FantasyIsNotReal]

Many many years ago, I could have got together with someone, but didn't. I remember really liking him, we really really got on, I thought he was brilliant.... But, I was cautious. - I thought we wanted different things.

So we never got together but stayed friends. Then he met someone else who he's still with now.. I don't remember pining after him, but I did feel a vague sense of loss.

So our lives moved on, we stayed in touch. I met someone else got married, kids...

I wasn't thinking of him at all romantically, we'd meet up very occasionally, completely platonic, and I'd merrily continued my life. We'd drift in and out of contact.

But then....

He told me he had feelings for me. I brushed it off initially. But it made me think about how much I enjoyed his company, about how my life would be if I was with him - very different to my life now, but much more like I had imagined my life to be, if that makes sense.

His declaration that night completely messed with my mind. I started to fall in love with the fantasy of him. I looked at my life and everything that was hard, or not quite how I wanted it to be, would have been magically erased had I got together with him. Everything that was frustrating me about my husband, would be banished if I had got together with him. I felt like I was in the wrong life with the wrong person. I felt like I just realised I was in love with him all along and was a fool for not realising sooner.

This was several years ago now. I'm so pissed off with myself. I get the thoughts under control for ages and then it all rears up again and I ruminate over what could have been and pick over reasons we didn't get together, kicking myself for 'letting him get away'. It's all bollocks! I just lose all perspective.

Wtf. Someone please help me break this! I'm so tired of its recurrence. I need to focus on my actual life not this fantasy one that never was. Help!

I think you need to reframe it quite pragmatically to yourself.

So the things I'd be telling myself are:

There's no such thing as 'The One' so it's reasonable to assume you could have built a life and a family with very many men across the years. But you didn't; you chose your husband. and you still choose him. How would he feel if he knew?

The frustrations you have about your husband? You'd have them (or different but equally frustrating ones) about him too eventually. No one is perfect.

You have no idea what his flaws in a relationship are. You only know him as a distant, fleeting fantasy. You have both built lives with expectations, routines, goals, habits that might not integrate. Neither wrong but both different.

But you do know that he is the sort of man to behave disloyally towards his wife. He should have kept that thought to himself and not shared it with you. He's either looking for an ego boost, flattery or a bit on the side. Maybe he would leave her eventually and build the perfect life with you but you'd always know what he was capable of at the back of your mind and once the initial rosy glow had worn off, you'd be left with the fact you'd been complicit in blowing up two families for it. Not a nice thought.

If you want, see it as a wake up call to address what is wrong in your own life/relationship. Can these be resolved? Are the frustrations you have with your husband serious, relationship threatening ones or fairly minor irritations many people have?

And, lastly, when you find your mind wandering, remember that he told you this behind his wife's back. She either thinks she has a solid, loving and loyal relationship with this man and she's wrong about that. Or he has form for this and she knows she's with a philanderer. Do you really want that man? Or to be that woman?

Stop framing it as a wistful teenage fantasy and see it for what it really is. A ten a penny man who is willing to step out on his marriage.

I can't believe he told you that. How utterly selfish! To mess with your head and your marriage, whatever he may be 'feeling'. If he's happy to put himself and his feelings so clearly first, I wonder about his other behaviour. Personally, with time, I think it would be more than irritating, and potentially extremely hurtful.

Remember your feelings weren't that strong when you knew him better. Maybe your inner voice was clearer about him.

He's not a good one OP. Would your current husband do that? If not, he's a better man.

You sound like you're a bit dissatisfied and unhappy. If it's young kids, weather that storm, it will pass. If it's other things to do with your relationship with your H then think about whether it's the right thing for you and possibly think about addressing that adhd starting a life on your own, rather than a fantasy with another flawed person.

You MAY be happier on your own but I can guarantee you will not be happier with this selfish man.

Thank you both @GreyCarpet @PrincessOfPreschool .

I totally hear you both. But my head goes, 'well, maybe if it was you and him together, he wouldn't be looking elsewhere.... It's because you were meant to be '..how up my own arse is that?!

And actually I know that there is no future for us... There can be no happy ending for all the reasons you describe. I just get stuck wishing things were different and kicking myself for how things could have turned out of I'd given us a chance back then....

Plus I make myself unhappy by judging my husband against this fantasy version of someone I haven't hung out with for years and years and yes, who dropped a selfish bombshell on me. You are right, my husband would never do that

But my head goes, 'well, maybe if it was you and him together, he wouldn't be looking elsewhere.... It's because you were meant to be '..how up my own arse is that?!

There are many, many women who think this.

This is why some women do blow up their marriages to have affairs!

But you know the truth, really. This isn't about you, it's about him.

Yes you are right. He dropped the bomb then carried on with his life, growing his family, getting married..... There has never been any indication of what I was supposed to do with that knowledge, no suggestion of getting together at this point in our lives.... And I know that is never a possibility (certainly for me - I'm not leaving my loving and secure family).
I'm getting really pissed off now that I've spent so much time thinking of this fantasy. It's worse when I'm tired (which is very often) or hormonal (which is very often) or finding things hard (which is fairly often). I need to work on my mental defenses for when I'm slipping into it...

I would celebrate that you didn’t get together. By telling you how he feels he has shown that loyalty, commitment and possibly fidelity are not values he believes in.

You dodged a shit partner.

Read Gottman books and put your energy into your husband and stop daydreaming about some loser with no integrity.

Your DC's would not exist in another life with him, that is a big difference. I'm willing to bet, that the more your DH is pissing you off by something in the moment, the more the limerance over your friend occurs. This is just a symptom of that. Maybe you could try CBT if it is affecting you a lot, because it's your train of thoughts that you need to reframe. As you say, you focus on all the bad bits of your relationship, and magically wipe them away with a different life. But you wipe away the good bits too, your DC's, family life. A man who has stuck by you for years. Change your thoughts to the good bits.
Only you know how your relationship is. So only you can see, if your friend didn't exist, would you be as dissatisfied with your current situation, that you would want to break it up? If the life you'd potentially lead being on your own as a single parent looks better than what you currently have, only then, do you have serious problems to sort out.

You need to reconnect with your husband.
Pay more positive attention to him and your family as a whole, work on appreciating him and not looking at the flaws in him and your life...unless you want to leave. If you do, leave because you want to end the marriage, for you,. Don't leave just for another man.

I think some people say this kind of shit knowing it won't go any further because they like the feeling of thinking they are making someone else feel good about themselves; to make sure they are on someone's mind or, like I say, just for the flattery.

If you don't actually have really deep feelings for someone, it can be hard to imagine the impact of those words. Someone who felt ike that would say nothing or leave their own relationship.

I was really cross with myself because I once developed a bit of a crush on someone who was married when i was long term single. Cross because that isn't me. He was part of a social group I was in that his wife wasn't part of because, truth be told, their marriage wasn't great and that was common knowledge. Still married though...

I thought I'd done a pretty good job of concealing my feelings - didn't seek him out to spend time with alone, never told anyone. But he must have realised because, although we only communicated in a WhatsApp group, one day he sent me a ❤️ privately.

I replied asking what he meant by that. He said he was thinking about me and wanted me to know. Whilst he was at home. With his wife.

I ignored it, not wanting to blow up the friendship group, and a few weeks later, he tried to kiss me at the end of the night.

I had had a crush on him for a couple of years and yet I have never gone off someone so fast! 🤣

I wasn't flattered, I didn't imagine "what ifs...", I didn't consider the logistics of us starting a new life together

I was incensed that this man was prepared to a) treat his wife that way and b) thought I'd be on board with that. Just what was his opinion of me as a person?

That's the headspace you need to get into. Stop the fantasising and get angry at the sort of man he really is.