AIBU on house move

[Rachel0307]

Looking for an outsiders perspective.

For context, My husband and I have been together for years and have a young child. He desperately wants to move house to a new area (1+ hour away) for a better life for our family. He hates our local area. He has said if we don’t move as a family in the short term, he won’t stick around as this means a lot to him. I can tell he is severely unhappy with the house, the area and maybe just at a crossroads in other aspects of his life

I pushed back on the idea as we have a young child, my family who support us with childcare and my comfortable well-paid job here. As a compromise, I said I would be happy to go within 30 mins away to still make the commute do-able with baby, keep my job etc. We agreed.

Initially, we said we didn’t want a project as having a baby to look after, it would be too much. We are in the process of buying a house which now needs re-wiring. I said I wanted to pull out as I didn’t want to do extensive works on the property. However, the seller dropped the price to accommodate the re-wire and we can stay with my parents while the work is being done.

Long story short, I feel upset that my feelings are not heard. My partner gets very angry that I cannot be open minded about the move and I’ve now been talked into doing a re-wire I didn’t want to do! He said we have a solution for each issue; the money etc. We will lose a lot of money dropping out now and potentially lose our buyer.

I was already apprehensive about moving and wanted to make it a nice experience. Also, I was already feeling anxious about moving to a new town, commuting 45* mins a day when at the moment I commute 10 and juggling full time work, parental responsibilities and the impact this would have on me.

We cannot agree on this topic. I feel like whether we move or don’t move now; one of us will be unhappy. I feel stuck.

You need to both be on the same page with this

It’s a huge and expensive move and you need to both want it, otherwise you will always be resentful

Before you go any further with the purchase, sit him down, or if you can’t do that, show him what you have written here

It reads like you didn't want to move but compromised making your life harder as a result.

Your dp compromised by being closer to your current town than he wanted.

But now you're having to compromise again with the house needing major work and having to move in with your parents.

Are you ok about moving? The fact your dp threatened to leave you and your child isn't great tbh. He can't do that any time he doesn't get his way.

You need to think is this move worth it ? And if you don't want to do it you need to sit down with your partner and figure out what to do. With out him threatening you.

Well he did listen to you and agreed a compromise. It seems you've caused a lot of the issues by agreeing to a house that needs work in the first place.

But more importantly, WHY did he not like the area you are in. Is it because you family are too close and too involved? Are you moving closer to his family?
The root cause of his desire to move is really important here, because maybe there are bigger issues in your marriage that need resolving, and he's just decided that moving will sort everything.

As PP said, you two need to have a very big conversation.

@AgreeableDragon We only found out it needed rewiring following an electrical report survey.

I never would have chosen the house initially if I’d know the extensive works needed

Where is the location of DP's work in relation to your current house, new house and your parents? Will your DP be doing any of the running around for childcare to facilitate the move?

Ah, I see.
But as I said, I think the house move might be a symptom of a bigger issue.

@Velvian he also works close to where we live currently so around the same
commute. He will do some of the childcare drop offs to facilitate. He changes job every few years tho so this is a worry for future issues.

It's not too bad, only temporary disruption while the rewire is done and then you got your way and he compromised. I wouldn't make this into a big 'he's not hearing me' principle. He's lived in a place he hates for ages by the sound of it and is r getting everything he wants with this move as the compromise still means being tied to childcare etc in the current area. I get that moving is stressful and expensive but we get through the short term aggro and the long term benefits are usually worth it.

*is not getting everything he wants

I mean the rewiring is a pain but they've dropped the price and you have somewhere to stay while it's done. Once it's done, it's done. I don't see it as a huge problem.
I can see why it would be a huge hassle to pull out now and risk losing your buyer.
I think the real issue is you didn't want to move in the first place! The problem is you agreed to it. You either need to get on with it or admit you don't actually want to move which would be hugely annoying to your DH at this stage

He sounds like a bully.
Threatening you if you don't do what he wants?
In your place I would refuse to move away from your family support.
Funny how often bullying men insist on moving away from their victims source of support.
This move is to make your life harder.
You will bitterly regret it if you allow yourself to be bullied and threatened into a move.
Your job is your independence.
Don't allow him to make your life harder.
He is not a good man.