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Original poster

How to find a partner

26 replies

LilacGuide · 15/05/2024 20:41

TLDR: Is there something I can do to make people want the stay in a relationship with me

Hi just looking for some advice having spoken to friends numerous times and received the same advice. I’ve just been dumped again after seeing someone for 2 months. I’m a 26 year old female. Feeling quite hopeless and that I’ll never find my person. I’m not unattractive and have a good job. I can be awkward and don’t do well in big groups but do have some close friends. However I work in a people facing job and am able to talk to people.

I’m British indian and my parents can arrange a marriage for me but don’t know I have dated/had sex. The people who sign up for arranged marriages in these communities haven’t usually done those things and I don’t want to scam them into marriage because I know they wouldn’t want someone like me.
Does anyone have any ideas on how to meet people and find love? I go to social things already but is there something I am missing. Or am I destined to be alone as everyone is coupled up. Thanks for reading and grateful for any advice

OP posts:
Original poster
LilacGuide · 16/05/2024 19:17

Watchkeys · 16/05/2024 17:33

I’m not sure how much you can change from being insecure

You have to recognise that you don't need to change. It sounds backwards, I know. But there's nothing wrong with you. Perhaps reword it? It's not that you're insecure, it's that you like a lot of emotional contact with your partner. I had to do this. My anxious attachment style had me trying to attach to all sorts of unsuitables, and then finding fault in myself when the relationships went wrong.

But the thing is, it's all about your relationship with yourself. We get anxious when we're not sure what's going to come up, or that we will be able to deal with it. But when you realise that, if everything went wrong, you'd have to fall back on your own care for yourself, the quality of the care you provide yourself is crucial to feeling safe.

You have to look after yourself as if you're a child. It's not just 'eat right and get enough exercise', it's taking yourself out to do nice things, making sure you put enough stimulation in place to make your life happy, having your back in arguments, making sure you don't spend time on bullies, making sure you feel you have agency etc.

You don't have to fix your insecurity, you have to recognise that you've got this. What ever it is, you've got it. You can handle it. Being single? It's not bad news, because you know exactly how to do it in a way that makes you happy. Right? If not, what makes you happy? Go do that. And if the only thing you can think of is 'having a boyfriend' or 'going on dates', then broaden your interests.

Thank you so much for this explanation ! You’ve taken so much time to go through things for me and I really value it. I’ve never had attachment explained in this way and nice to hear from someone with a similar perspective. I’m going to get out there and look after myself and not just spend my time waiting for a person to do things with !

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