How to find a partner

[LilacGuide]

TLDR: Is there something I can do to make people want the stay in a relationship with me

Hi just looking for some advice having spoken to friends numerous times and received the same advice. I’ve just been dumped again after seeing someone for 2 months. I’m a 26 year old female. Feeling quite hopeless and that I’ll never find my person. I’m not unattractive and have a good job. I can be awkward and don’t do well in big groups but do have some close friends. However I work in a people facing job and am able to talk to people.

I’m British indian and my parents can arrange a marriage for me but don’t know I have dated/had sex. The people who sign up for arranged marriages in these communities haven’t usually done those things and I don’t want to scam them into marriage because I know they wouldn’t want someone like me.
Does anyone have any ideas on how to meet people and find love? I go to social things already but is there something I am missing. Or am I destined to be alone as everyone is coupled up. Thanks for reading and grateful for any advice

Is there something I can do to make people want the stay in a relationship with me

Yes. Drop this:

Feeling quite hopeless and that I’ll never find my person

There's nothing you're missing and you're not 'destined' for anything. Keep meeting new people. What does your dream partner do with his spare time? Go hang out there and meet people.

Everyone isn't coupled up. Even the ones who are will have a high proportion of break ups and be single again in a few years. It's not something about you, its something about everyone: we are all single sometimes.

If you can't find a suitable person its highly unlikely your parents would. All that would happen is you'd be STUCK with the wrong person. And that's wayyyyy worse than being single.

It's not 1950, it's OK to be single. Most partnerships are not forever anyway.

YOU are your person. And until you realise that, you'll likely always give extreme value to men who don't deserve it.

I know it's hard to see seemingly happy couples all over the place but...many relationships aren't that great tbh. Where as being single is almost always great IF you learn to enjoy your own company.

Thank you both of you. Reading back I clearly have some backwards views and need to work on myself a little bit

I don't mean this to sound patronising but you are still so young.
Stop worrying about finding the perfect partner and enjoy your life. Have fun with friends, focus on your career and hobbies.
It's highly likely you will find a longer term love at some point but don't spend your life right now only focussing on that.
I'm quite a bit older than you & a regret I and some of my friends have is wasting our younger years worrying about finding partners rather than really enjoying being young, single & making the very most of it.

I agree with a lot of the sentiment people have posted I'm also of an ethnic background and ended up meeting a man I've been in a relationship with at 29 by chance.

I spent yeaaaars on the apps I spent years feeling hopeless and one day it just clicked. I was like you at 26 wondering why it hadn't happen for me but I hadn't had sex with anyone only a lot of dates over the years and I considered my late twenties 27/28 even seriously at 29 to do formal introductions in my culture and I didn't need to in the end.

Focus on yourself for a bit, see what you like. Meet different people from different backgrounds too. Don't put all your eggs in one basket.

What did he say when he ended it after two months if you don't mind me asking? Is it something similar you've heard before? This is your chance to grow x

I'd also like to add... since I've been in a relationship there are times I miss when I was single and all I had to think about was me. What I wanted to do. Don't wish your time away because you're single when you're in a relationship a lot of your time isn't yours anymore! One thing my dad always taught me was make yourself happy in your own, enjoy your own company. You won't get that time back and I used to scoff. I miss it!

At 26, honestly, forget meeting 'The One' and go have a lot of fun. Travel, see the world. Get drunk, do dumb shit, dress in bad taste, swear too much and fart ... Loudly... In lifts...

You're a long time old, if you're lucky, you're a short time young, make the most of it.

But that's trite I suppose.

Have you tried online dating? It's a horror show, but with your wits kept about you, it may be a way to meet people.

There's a dating thread on Mumsnet somewhere, long running, maybe join the latest and ask on there?

Maybe join some interest centric clubs? If you love walking, join a hiking group. If you've always wanted to try making pottery, go for it. If you want to try snowboarding, join a lesson a group. Etc.

Nope. You're already spiffing as you are. All you need to do is drop the idea that you need to work on yourself. Takes a second... once you recognise it. You are everything you need. What would your ideal partner be doing for you right now? Do it for yourself. Do that all the time. You'll be happy in no time, and quite possibly not want a man to show up to disrupt your happiness. And that's when you're in a healthy position to choose a partner.

Totally agree with this. Think less about what you are lacking and more about what you bring to any relationship and what you like about yourself. You shouldn’t have to change to find a partner
I would say yes work on yourself but in terms of looking after yourself and doing things that give you pleasure
experience has taught me that a different type of person shows up when you are happy and confident in yourself.

You don’t sound patronising at all and I posted on this website so that I could get ideas from people with different experiences/stages of life because my world can be an echo chamber! Thank you do much for this post it’s given me a new perspective on this part of my life :)

Thanks for your reply and useful to hear from someone of a similar background. I put off trying new things in the hopes of saving money/fear of failing but you guys have given me some inspiration. It is something similar. I think I can require a lot of interest/contact and he could only meet once a week. I’m aware that is a lot and I need to change my expectations (developing hobbies and more of a social life would also probably help this) !

Thank you for all the ideas I am going to push myself. I have tried online dating and it’s the only way I’ve met people. I struggle with rejection and it does make me quite sad so perhaps taking a break from online dating and focusing on all your suggestions maybe the way forward

Thank you that’s a really lovely way of thinking !

Despite knowing this it can be easier said than done. Thank you for your advice this is the motivation I need !

Agree with the others OP. Don't put on onus on what you bring to them, think "what can they do for me". Value yourself first and foremost.

Plus you are only 26. You are a pup.

In terms of your background as British-Indian, is it that common for parents to choose or recommend someone? What may be right for your parents may not be right for you (although I do know there are many happy couples who have come together that way of course).

In your shoes I'd just try and do things I enjoy, be in places to meet people, and you will eventually just click with someone. Good luck!

Never think that money, time or effort invested in yourself in any way is a waste and that you should be saving your money or doing something else with it. There is a lot of time left in your life to be partnered (or not if you choose not to), save money etc.
It can be difficult to start looking after yourself and thinking "what do I want?" if you have been in the mindset of not doing that for a while - it may feel madly extravagant. Start with small steps and go as wild as you like...

Hello from another Lilac :).
Like you, at 26 I absolutely despaired. Then at 29 met DH and thought, oh that is why nothing else worked out. He really was so much better suited ot me than any man I'd met until then. Married a year later. Together now for over 30 years

Don't just OLD. Get out into the world doing things you love and are passionate about. While you are single, you have your evenings and weekends free. Use them. Try a variety of things that are good fun and life-enhancing for you whether or not you meet a man, but choose the versions of them where you are more likely to meet a man!

To keep fit, join a gym or bootcamp, a cycling or running club, or go to a climbing wall not a Zumba class.

Do something that contributes socially to an issue you care about - a political party, ecological campaign or charity volunteering.

Go on group adventure holidays to places you really want to see or doing activities you've always wanted to do. Your genuine excitement will be appealing to men who enjoy the same things.

Do things where you are likely to meet like-minded men. DH and I recently signed up for a woodworking course. I am the only woman. I've met perfectly eligible men on creative writing, art and photography courses, meditation weekends - men who are clearly partly there to find a partner as well as to enjoying learning new things.

At very least you'll have an interesting year and loads to talk about on OLDs. And you won't be available all the time, as you'll be busy. Like it or not, men seem to find this very attractive.

Yes, but it's not a fantasy: it's the reality of those people you see who are happy single, then happy in a relationship, then they split up, but they're still happy, and you wonder how the hell do they do that???!

They're happy with themselves. Not because they are extra specially lovely people, or because they like themselves any more than anybody else does, but because they are kind to themselves. If relationships don't work out, they don't think that there's some kind of failure in them that they're neglecting to identify. They are already doing all the things for themselves that a partner would do, so really, it's simply about whether or not the other person and them are actually enjoying their time together, and if not... well, they go and do something else fun instead.

It's not a dream, it's a secure attachment style, where you spend time with the other person because you like doing that, and if there isn't another specific person to like doing things with, you like doing things on your own or with other people.

This is an attitude that I’ve never had suggested but I think an excellent way of thinking. Haha I don’t feel like a pup but this is why I value this website to learn from other people’s experiences. My parents don’t necessarily need me to have an arranged marriage but when I’m upset about a lack of partner this is the recurrent solution. Thank you for your advice !

Baby steps is an excellent idea for me! Thank you

Hello Lilac! I agree with you about the men not feeling quite right but I often settle. It’s good to know that it doesn’t always feel like that. So many lovely activities and suggestions. I’m moving to a big city soon and excited to try all of these things !

Thank you you have such wonderful insights. It’s really helpful to see how my attachment style has affected these relationships but also the way I view myself. I’m not sure how much you can change from being insecure but I know there are definitely changes I can make !

Don't think you are the problem because you want to see a guy you're dating more than once a week. That's normal.

He's the one that doesn't have time and quite frankly I don't know why he's even trying to date if he won't have time for meeting people!

As for arranged marriage, what if the guy was like him! Just wanted to see you for date night one night and too busy the rest of the week!

You're young yet. Get out and about and enjoy your friends. It'll happen for you in course.

I’m not sure how much you can change from being insecure

You have to recognise that you don't need to change. It sounds backwards, I know. But there's nothing wrong with you. Perhaps reword it? It's not that you're insecure, it's that you like a lot of emotional contact with your partner. I had to do this. My anxious attachment style had me trying to attach to all sorts of unsuitables, and then finding fault in myself when the relationships went wrong.

But the thing is, it's all about your relationship with yourself. We get anxious when we're not sure what's going to come up, or that we will be able to deal with it. But when you realise that, if everything went wrong, you'd have to fall back on your own care for yourself, the quality of the care you provide yourself is crucial to feeling safe.

You have to look after yourself as if you're a child. It's not just 'eat right and get enough exercise', it's taking yourself out to do nice things, making sure you put enough stimulation in place to make your life happy, having your back in arguments, making sure you don't spend time on bullies, making sure you feel you have agency etc.

You don't have to fix your insecurity, you have to recognise that you've got this. What ever it is, you've got it. You can handle it. Being single? It's not bad news, because you know exactly how to do it in a way that makes you happy. Right? If not, what makes you happy? Go do that. And if the only thing you can think of is 'having a boyfriend' or 'going on dates', then broaden your interests.

Thank you it’s hard to gauge what’s a suitable expectation but also I guess there isn’t one and the people who want little contact should date people who want little contact etc
thank you all this has left me feeling really positive and hopeful for the future