Torn between getting along with my ex and being less compliant

[Lunchanyone]

Having a really tough time emotionally this week after I started decluttering the family home in preparation for a potential sale and coming across old diaries.

I separated from my husband and father of my children 18 months ago after continued interferences, criticism, passive aggression, ignoring and creepy, almost stalkerish behaviour from his family. He made excuses for them for around 10 years and it seemed that the expectation was for me be compliant, tolerant and not challenge anything or anyone. For years, I didn't openly defend myself or challenge the behaviour head on. For anyone experiencing similar, I so wish I had done now so just speak out. It all comes out in the end anyway.

I then found my mojo and my boundaries as soon as our twins started school and began standing up for myself and obviously distancing from his family. This automatically drove a wedge between myself and my husband who dismissed what was going on and began to blame me instead. I was also speaking openly to mutual friends about what was happening as I'd had enough of the silencing by this point. It didn't go down well and all blame was placed at my door. He was disgusted in me for sharing what he felt was private details about his family's behaviour and relationships.

I eventually told him to leave after he stuck up for them about something I felt was quite serious during my mojo-finding period. It involved my online accounts being tracked by one of them in a way I won't go into but it was highly bizarre. He defended it over and over again, telling me that his family member being "curious" was fine! It wasn't fine! He left and went home to live with his parents who appeared more than happy to assist him living there for free.

18 months on and I get along with my ex very well and openly, for the children, still navigating family time together for birthdays, christmases, holidays, but inside I feel like I'm betraying myself even being around him. He comes to the family home a lot to visit our 3 children pretending all is fine before leaving to live with his parents again. He will come and do all sorts of housework, DIY, domestic tasks. He treats me well, asks me how I am, brings us groceries, makes me cups of tea, tidies the childrens rooms. It's incredibly helpful and so it's difficult not to get along with him because he's so easy to get along with (on the surface) yet deep down, he has let me and the children down terribly emotionally. He's concealing all of this with this "help."

The children do not like his mother as she's so manipulative with them, they are bright enough and mentally healthy enough to realise this for themselves without any help from me. So we tend to limit their time there at the house to a couple of evenings a week and he comes to the family home to see the children twice a week also. They do not like spending time around her- something he continues to vehemently deny. But they love spending time with their father.

Yesterday I found a pile of old diaries and it has really set me back emotionally. I read two of them- From when we met- him being such a wonderful man at first, him promising my dying father that he would take care of me from now on. Lots of things I'd forgotten. Then another diary read how he hadnt told me he loved me at all for the final 5 years of our marriage because he decided I wasn't a nice person when I stopped being so compliant with his family or him even!

I feel tricked and betrayed and angry with him but then also, feel a huge pressure to continue getting along with him so that we can spend time together as a family from time to time. I felt like I wasn't being true to myself in the marriage and if I'm honest, I still feel that way now. It's like he's got away with choosing them and has an easier life as a result. He's still got me complying really hasn't he... I challenged his family so he abandoned me and literally chose to be with them instead of me/us. It doesn't matter that I told him to leave because he quiet quit long before that anyway. He refuses therapy of any sort. Refuses mediation also.

It's so messed up. It often feels like he's betrayed our marriage like having an affair. It perhaps would have been easier for me if he had done.

The problem is that I doubt he'll ever leave home now with his parents. The property is palatial enough for him to remain there indefinitely meaning that the children are exposed to his family more than when we were together, yet he still gets to come to the family home from time to time. I feel a bit played. Also like I'm putting aside all my hurt, betrayal and anger for the sake of the children and our family unit, and I don't know if I can do that anymore.

I've no idea what to do.
Our children are 11 and 6 year old twins.

To add a positive to this, one of the huge bonuses of the situation is not having to endure living alongside him anymore being gaslighted day in day out. There is some emotional freedom which I have gained from the current set up we have. On the whole, I do feel better than I did when we were together. I feel more me.

With respect - your post is all about you and your feelings. And pent up unresolved issues with your H.

And I guess the question you are asking - should i stop being civil with him because it reminds you of all of the resentments accumulated over the years.
To me the answer is not a simple yes/no.

No - you should not stop being civil. Kids do not need to know how you feel about your in-laws and your disagreement with their father about. You do NOT need to paint him or his family as evil in their eyes as it will be very distressing for them.

But for your mental health - i think you meed to move on with a more formal separation - and file for divorce. You need to separate assets and formalise your arrangements with him. This will reduce (eliminate?) the time you spend playing happy families.

I think you need therapy to process your hurt, don’t let that get in the way of the pragmatic approach you are currently engaging in. However, I think you do need to put more boundaries in place with regards to him ‘helping’. You don’t want to get stuck in a quasi marriage, you are no longer together.

I wouldn’t waste any energy on ‘making him see’, he’s far too invested in the dynamic with his family to acknowledge that it wasn’t healthy.

I think you need to get some support to unpick your feelings. It sounds like the current situation with your ex is good for your kids and maybe also helpful to you. The problem you have with it is that you feel like going along with this sort of lets him off the hook for his poor past behaviour. He gets to pretend like nothing ever happened. You don't get some sort of revenge.

I feel you though. I like to see the folks who hurt me get their come-upance. Being nice to people who hurt me is HARD. However you do need to work through what is best for the kids and whether this situation is actually hurting you. I definitely think a chat with a therapist might help you sort through this and make sure you do have good boundaries and that you can enforce these without making life hard for everyone just to hurt your exH.

Edited to add that you do need to look to the future also. Having exH popping in and out of YOUR house may be good right now but it likely won't work for the long term if you choose to date again. Just make sure that the boundaries are in place for the right reason.

I think whilst things are on an even keel for now with him coming to your house etc once one of you gets a serious relationship on the go things will have to change. There’s a lot of blurred lines now and isn’t really helping you move on with your life.

Your relationship with your ex sounds too enmeshed and will likely get in the way of you forming a relationship with a new partner.

Your ex sounds somewhat similar to mine. My ex betrayed me very badly, though not by having an affair, gaslit me constantly during our relationship and also has a difficult family who treated me poorly and he refused to stand up for me to them.

I am always polite to him and co-operative enough as a "co-parent" within the clearly defined boundaries of our childcare split. We are actually more like "parallel parents" but he doesn't understand the difference and it would be pointless to try to explain.

But frankly, I don't like or trust him as a person anymore and prefer not to be around him if I can avoid it. Now that we are separated, he likes to put on a 'nice guy' act and pretend everything between us is hunky-dory, as this allows him to tell himself that he didn't really behave so poorly during the decade+ of our relationship that I would now have nothing to do with him if it weren't for the kids.

Personally, I set myself a rule that unless it is an emergency, I do not ask my ex for any help and I do not accept any help he offers. Likewise I neither offer him help and I do not give him help if he asks (unless it is a genuine emergency and not just him wanting me to facilitate his life).

This feels clean to me, and it certainly reduces our contact a lot. When he offers help to me, it is usually manipulative and a way to build up perceived obligation in his favour. Plus, the 'help' is generally stuff I can actually handle just fine on my own, or am teaching my children to take responsibility for, which sounds similar to your ex (your children should be tidying their own rooms).

I do think therapy would help you to define what is actually going to work better for you in your relationship with your ex, as well as ways to implement strong boundaries while also behaving with dignity and integrity.