Making me a bit sad

[Barbie2024]

26F. Single for a few years. Good career, earning good money, has my own place in the city, good friend group, pretty happy within myself.

Recently started using online dating app, but learned not to expect too much from it. But it’s making me a bit sad.

People chat and ghost. Dry conversations. Mostly looking for hookups. I saw this cute guy with Snapchat details saying he’s not on here much so I added him on SC.

chatting for a bit, ended up sending him a photo of me. Then no reply. It makes me kind of sad. I mean he has every right not to reply if he doesn’t like what he sees but I’m not bad looking, I’m pretty cute and probably above average. But that’s not the only thing I have to offer. I’m independent, smart, drama free, v strong person, earn good salary, higher than most guys I’ve ever matched or dated (higher than my older brother), have have good moral/ ethics/ empathy and knows what commitment means. I know I’m pretty but I don’t boost or flex it.

it just makes me sad it’s all looks oriented. I mean I’ve matched with guys who are not as good looking as me but I still talk to them because they are interesting and wanna see where it leads because looks fades but attraction grows and slowly improve personal development. I’m not saying I’m a saint, I probably try and match with guys who are good looking to but similar to my level, but if a guy I was vibing with isn’t that good looking I wouldn’t mind either.

idk why I’m posting here but it’s so different as to what I was taught by my parents growing up. Just sad you know…

Hi OP - didn't want to read and run because I have been where you are and I used to get really down too, and I know it isn't what you want to hear right now, but dating/men/boyfriends really don't matter that much and you will find your own way. I am 37 and work/career/dating/relationships have been a constant theme in the last decade so I am not a "smug married" telling you it'll all be fine.

I know and also feel that pressure to couple up, the sense that a relationship or a partner provides some form of validation - of course it does, socially, that's why everyone is so obsessed with dating and relationships. I also feel that sense of loneliness sometimes - I am happy in my own company but that doesn't mean it wouldn't be nice to have a partner. I have had relationships that have clearly not been right for me, and I have tried dating online and IRL.

Dating apps ARE MISERABLE and you should not waste your time or damage your self-esteem with them. You sound very smart and driven, you clearly have your education/job/finances together and you're right, you do have a lot to offer.

If I could have a word with my 26 year old self, I'd tell myself to concentrate on my sports/social/volunteering life. I was a member of a running club which gave me a really good base of solid, supportive friendships, a shared hobby with some travel and a lot of socialising mixed in. The more people you know, the more people you meet.

Ask around your good friends too - you never know who's got a good looking cousin, an old school mate or a nice guy in their office, plus these people "come with a reference".

If you're not sporty, try volunteering - St John's Ambulance have volunteers at festivals, events, all sorts. Look for local events that require stewards or volunteers. I know this is proper "mum" advice, but I am living it myself and although I'm yet to meet a prince, I certainly have more chance of finding a nice guy when I am in contact with a lot of people who share my interests and values.

Thanks so much, I just wanted to hear it from someone I guess.

And yes I agree, I have build up a good life and have a lot to offer. But these dating apps are so destroying and I’m not looking down on people but the guys on there aren’t even ‘good’ or have their life together. Some are 30, jobless, or working at tesco- nothing wrong with working in tesco but they make dating women so competitive that I feel like I’m not good to them even though I know in my heart that at my age, my career and financial stability is in the top 10%. They make you feel like you’re not good enough.

just so soul destroying that’s all.

I’m pretty cute and probably above average. But that’s not the only thing I have to offer. I’m independent, smart, drama free, v strong person, earn good salary, higher than most guys I’ve ever matched or dated (higher than my older brother), have have good moral/ ethics/ empathy and knows what commitment means.

But none of that good stuff is visible from a photo, OP. Which is obviously why it's soul-destroying in a way. But you seem secure in your looks -- spare a thought for those who are plain.

But none of that good stuff is visible from a photo, OP. Which is obviously why it's soul-destroying in a way. But you seem secure in your looks -- spare a thought for those who are plain.

Why on earth should she 'spare a thought for those who are plain'?! What bobollocksshe isnt responsible for anyone else.

OP, you're right about dating apps. My son is 25 and, whilst he's dated a few decent women on there, many are as you describe - unemployed and living at home in an extended adolescence.

He became frustrated at reading so many profiles where women listed eating and sleeping as their hobbies. So, as he put it, sustaining life and said he realised that people worth meeting were actually out there living their lives and doing stuff, having fun etc. and not sitting in their bedrooms tapping away on apps.

He hasnt been on an app in over a year now and recently started dating someone he met through work. But he also started putting himself out there, took up hobbies and started taking risks in his social life. He's made new friends, met some interesting people and has a few adventures of the kind you can only have when you're young and carefree under his belt.

Dating apps are a necessary evil I think for some people. Eg women with young children whose options for socialising are limited but earning well, no commitments and in your 20s? No. You deserve better.

You need to have a very thick skin for dating sites and not be too bothered about anything until you’ve actually met in person. Also, I think if someone is interested they should ask for a date within 2-3 days… anything more than a week and it’s not going anywhere. I’m not sure what the paid sites are these days but could be worth a try if you’re unable to meet many new people day-to-day and you’re more likely to meet someone who’s after something serious. I’ve heard that POF is very casual these days and so probably not the best site for you to be using…

You're on an app and it's bothering you that things are superficial? Go out and meet some real people, rather than fishing around amongst a high proportion of people who spend their lives sitting at a computer making adverts for themselves.

I met my partner on an app, so I'm not saying it can never work, but there was a hell of a lot of dross before that happened. If it makes you sad, don't do it. Find something to do that makes you happy instead. It's not up to the world to please you. It's like being disappointed that broccoli never tastes nice, but continuing to try to eat it. Just have something else.

Dating apps are generally quite shit.

I wouldn't take the lack of effort from Snapchat guy to heart. "Not on here much but add me on SC" pretty much translates directly to "I'm too lazy to even open the app but happy to accept nudes from anyone willing to put all the effort in". Why would you expect effort from someone who literally cannot even be bothered to open up the app and swipe for a bit to find a match?

I'm late 20's and 4 months ago found a lovely (so far so good!) man on hinge. All of my partners have been from dating apps! So it can be done.

Here's a list of what not to bother with, to save your time and energy:

• Anyone with 'not active on this, add my insta' - looking for followers.
• Any grown man using Snapchat as a primary form of communication - they're either looking for naked pictures/sex chat or cheating (disappearing messages - very convenient).
• Anyone who hasn't bothered to fill in their prompts (hinge) or bio in tinder/bumble. Men who want a relationship will put some effort in.
• Anyone who doesn't ever ask you any questions about yourself - someone interested will want to get to know you beyond 'how are you?'
• Anyone who doesn't try to lock in a proper date within a reasonable timeframe - plenty of them are just looking for a pen pal.
• Anyone who says they 'don't do drama' in their bio- this means 'I want a women who will let me walk all over her'
• Anyone who has pictures with their top off - unless surfing/doing a sport. I find these people are very obsessed with image.
• Anyone who tries to have sex chat with you before meeting.

These were all my absolute no's. You just have to get used to immediately binning them the moment they show you any red flag (apathy, sex talk, lack of humour/personality etc). And don't take it personally about that guy on Snapchat.. not everyone has taste and he was probably a turd anyway

Also I'd lead with your personality/what makes you fun rather than placing too much importance on your career/stability/money.

It is important to you (and impressive!) but likely not of interest to a man you've only just started talking to. I met, and dated, professional, high earning men when I was still a mature student. There will be exceptions but I find men don't put as much emphasis on accolades as women do

Are all your pictures selfies or are you out having fun/doing hobbies in some? I found I had much more success when my profile was less manufactured and showed more of my goofy side!

I second this advice - I abhor the apps but when I was trying, I got a lot more response to fun pictures like when I found a hat that said "Hold my beer..." or I posted a boomerang of me falling off my yoga mat.

I often come back to "I'm independent, I'm financially stable, I own my own home" because these things are important to me and I have worked hard for them. However I can understand that this comes across as a fanfare of trumpets so either sounds arrogant, or as if my only focus is material.

I'd add that many men are famously intimidated by female achievement - not to say dumb yourself down. NEVER. But as above, lead with what makes you fun to be around. Ambition and independence are things to be celebrated, but they are hardly things that someone else can engage in with you. By all means have a standard in mind so that you don't end up subsidising some bloke, but lead with "I love sports/house parties/my favourite holiday activity is kareoke" rather than "I am a good catch because I outearn you".

Snapchat guy wanted a nude picture so if you sent one of your face or fully clothes he'd have ignored as all he wanted was wank material. Be thankful he didn't reply.

I've never heard of anyone meeting their lifelong partner on Snapchat.

So after sending a photo of me to him, he didn’t reply right (that’s why I posted) and 1 day later, he pops back up and sends me photos of his work. Nothing inappropriate yet.

But I feel something is off. Not sure what his goal here is. Doesn’t ask any questions, just surface stuff like enjoy your holiday, how’s work, is it busy..etc.

little to no substance.

@Barbie2024 - Just don't engage. He's not even prepared to put in the literal bare minimum chat of "hi who are you? What brings yo to Tinder/Bumble/whatever?" 🙄

Don't even ask yourself questions over it. Go out, go to the cinema, call a GF, go for a run, a swim, get an ice cream, have a long bath, whatever. Ant of those would be a better use of yor timeand your charm than replying to some lazy twat on Snapchat.

And while you're at it, have a look for clubs in your area, or active dating sites like Thursday that organise singles events. Stop wasting your energy on online idiots.