Did he even love me?

[chelsea912]

Many years together and a beautiful baby and he was emotionally abusive throughout the relationship but I didn’t realise until my whole life was controlled and isolated.

I finally left him a week ago after 6 months of mutual therapy where even the therapist told me to leave, as he treated me so bad.

Tonight a friend sends me screenshots of him on Tinder and other dating apps. ONE WEEK after we have separated. His profile states he’s up for casual sex or a relationship.

It makes me wonder did he ever love me? Just tonight he was declaring his love (whilst clearly downloading dating apps - who says men can’t multi task) and yet I would never treat someone I love that way.

Even though I’m heartbroken that I had to end it, I still am no where near being able to think of someone else.

So is it love if someone can just treat you like you were nothing all along? Can someone love you and be abusive to you?

He's looking for the next person he can control.

You have a beautiful baby out of this. Be grateful he isn't in your life now. Whatever kind of 'love' he was putting out, wasn't the kind of love you want.

I'm afraid it doesn't look like he did love you.

You don't treat people you love like that.

He's now looking for his next victim.

I hope you feel relief you're no longer in a relationship with him.

I think this is just a part of the healing you will need to do.

It would seem to me that it’s not a question of whether he ‘loved’ you but the value of that ‘love’, which is arguably little as he was emotionally abusive, manipulating and clearly coercive.

I learnt a long time ago that love is action based, it’s a verb, a doing. His actions were not loving. Once you start to recognise that you’ll heal faster and look for a safer partner in future.

This latest behaviour strikes me as just par of the course. A selfish entitled abuser out to get what works best for him.

Well done for getting your child and you away from this nasty piece of work. 💐💐💐

Well, he certainly didn't have your interests at heart. Didn't care whether you were happy.

Now is your healing time. Enjoy your new home. Spend the summer doing exactly what you want. See friends and family. Don't be in any rush to replace him. Take time to relax. Good luck.

“Furrylittlesweetpotatoes · Today 06:51
I think this is just a part of the healing you will need to do.

It would seem to me that it’s not a question of whether he ‘loved’ you but the value of that ‘love’, which is arguably little as he was emotionally abusive, manipulating and clearly coercive.

I learnt a long time ago that love is action based, it’s a verb, a doing. His actions were not loving. Once you start to recognise that you’ll heal faster and look for a safer partner in future.”

This. Even if he did love you, it’s very poor quality love and not worth having. Well done for getting away. Focus on recovering now.

@chelsea912 what @Furrylittlesweetpotatoes is spot on. I went through this when I left my husband. We had been together 20 years - from the time I was 20. He was desperate for us to stay together but even during that process I never saw a skerrit of love - it was all about control and not having his comfortable life up ended. It was discombobulating, to think that your husband, the father of your children, never really loved you. I’ve come to realise he’s not capable of love in the same way I am. It wasn’t a waste because I have my two amazing kids and I have the chance at an amazing second phase of my life.

The thing is, normal people's version of love is the one that's worth having and no, I don't think he did love you in that sense.

What I think is he loves you in the version that abusers only can - their love is one where control and abuse is the way they show it. It's not a love that's worth having because it hurts and it destroys.

You're better than that kind of love. Love that comes at a cost isn't one worth having.

I honestly think some people just aren’t capable of loving someone. Not truly.

also tell your “friend” to stop sending you these unhelpful updates. They are no friend. And it’s not helpful.

He didn’t know how to love. That’s why he abused you. And he is now looking for immediate distraction and gratification. He would have never changed. But if that’s any comfort, he probably loved you in his own twisted way, which is not to say you should ever go back.

You are a normal person with normal emotions, of course you can't consider another relationship. You need to time recover and heal.

He on the other hand doesn't love anyone but himself and never will. Would someone who loved you treat you so badly? Would YOU treat someone you love like he did you?

The 'nice' him was to keep reeling you back in, to control you it wasn't the real him. He was nice because it suited his needs, I wasn't because he cares about you. He only cares about himself

Thank you all. I’m just broken by it all it’s taken me 6 months of consistent therapy to get to a place where I realise I’m in an abusive relationship (again!) although this one presents differently and has been more subtle than my last.

I’m just so hurt by him and the fact that whilst I’ve had to be a single parent looking after our baby all on my own every day and night he is spending his time messaging women and out getting his end away. Then he’ll have my daughter for a few hours a week and make out he’s dad of the year.

I keep questioning if it was that bad to leave and minimising his behaviour but I suppose things like this just prove to me he is awful. I know he has every right to do what he wants now but it’s so disrespectful to go back to it straight away - his things are still in my house!!

Men don't usually take months to heal and self reflect and have a glow up after a break up like women do, they try to avoid the loneliness by finding another woman to spend time with immediately. It's hurtful but doesn't mean he didn't love you, that he was abusive means he didn't really love you.

Ps ask your friends not to send you updates why on earth would you want to see that tinder profile

💯

It wasn’t a proper friend it was someone I knew on social media who had recognised him as my boyfriend (I don’t update my account so it still looks like we’re together.) So I guess she was concerned he was cheating on me so sent the screenshots.

Yeah I get people move in different ways after a break up and for him he has no friends or anyone in his life so I guess he’s filling the void as quick as possible. But it hurts to know he’s gone straight back out to find whatever he can get. Shows me a very different person to who he presented himself to be to me.

Also get his stuff out of your house. Make a clean swift break.

He's a narcissist who wants a shag and someone to control and massage his ego.
Just add it to the list of why you've made the right decision. You are free now 🖤

Do serial killer love their victims?

He's a similar kind of monster.
You are his prey.

Sometimes abusers idolise their target...for a while. But that doesn't last.

They don't love like us. They aren't capable of it.
They won't love the next one either. Or the one after that. Ever.

I'm sorry.

But well done you for getting free. Do whatever it takes to stay that way. Read up on narcissistic abuse. Doctor Ramani on YouTube is qla good watch on the subject of narcissists.

Be aware, he does not love the baby either (although sometimes they act like they do in order to make you feel 'if they can be warm and loving to someone else, maybe I'm the problem').

He will likely use the child to hurt you whenever possible. So read up on how to coparent with a narcissist.

See him as little as possible. Only reply to messages regarding your child (and even then, only the ones that are practical like about contact, not goady shit). Look up the Grey Rock technique and use it during the minimal contact times.

Sometimes they have some sentiment for their children as they see them as extentions of themselves. As extra ways to get narcissistic supply (eg: through the child's achievements). But often when the kid gets a bit older and starts a bit of push back.. they'll get the same treatment you did.

So be aware.
He will never love the child more than he loves causing you grief.

I’m a firm believer that some people don’t know how to love anyone other than themselves.

They are so inherently selfish and narcissistic, that even if you were with them for a million years and the only girl in the world, they could still never be loving or even caring.

The problem is that these people are also often extremely charming, fantastically manipulative and convincing liars.

You were always loveable. He was the problem and he will remain the problem for who ever else is unfortunate enough to become involved with him.

As a pp said, think positively. You have a beautiful baby, so at least ex was useful for something.

Thanks guys. Yes he definitely shows narc traits and I agree he is using our baby at the moment but actually has very little empathy or patience when it comes to being a dad. He is also clueless to her wants and needs. But he THINKS he’s an amazing dad which is not helped by me trying to make him think he is.
I know he sees her as an extension of himself and also he knows women love that he seems to be a doting dad so he’ll play on it. But yes when it comes down to it I’ll be doing the brunt of childcare forever just like I do with my older children (who have a separate dad.)

I guess this is the “discard” stage - even though I discarded him (or is it a reverse discard) where he’s showing me I actually meant nothing all along. I just wish my heart could catch up with my head and also I wish I could see things clearly. Sometimes I still believe his words over what he’s actually like.

As sad as it is, the best thing for the child is him taking as little interest in her as possible.

You'll just have to be very clear with her as you raise her that you left her dad because he didn't pull his weight and wasn't the nicest to you and that women deserve to have nice men in their lives who do their equal share.

Because his behaviour to her is her example of a male role model. And of the love she should expect from a man. So you'll need to work hard to counteract that. To talk with her lots about feelings and listen and validate them when she tells you how he's made her unhappy. And to show her lots of love. Also to develop her empathy and compassion for others, so that she doesn't learn from his unkindness.