Cutting out my step mum

[mistymirror]

For people who have gone no contact with a step parent.
This is a big one for me.
I have a step mum who I've had in my life since I was 3 (I don't remember a life without her).
She has 2 children with my Dad. I could probably write a book with everything she has done to me over the years, mainly disregarding me from 'her' family, making me feel like an inconvenience and just overall saying very hurtful things about my Mum over the years.
I have always had a very good relationship with my Dad, I love him so much but he is a very weak person and never sticks up for himself or for me.
I've found I've just become a product of her manipulation over the years and wanted her to like me, so always try extra hard to gain her approval. She blows hot and cold so it's always very hard to know where I stand. It's really effected my MH over the years and in recent weeks some things have happened and I've finally decided enough is enough. No more, I can't have her in my life anymore. So I am going no contact.
My issue is I don't want to go no contact with my Dad, I love him and would never want to hurt him. Has anyone else managed to go no contact with a step parent but keep a relationship with a real parent? Any stories gratefully received.

Why go as extreme as no contact? It just won't work if you want to keep a relationship with your father.
Just be cordial when you see her, you don't need to be buddy buddy or starting in depth convos. Closed replies to any messages from her that make it clear you're not engaging.
And just get on with your life !

Agree with that. Just go as limited as possible and keep relationship with your father

Well given that your father is a coward and has never stuck up for you I think going no contact with your step mum will make you lose your father as he will choose her over you. He's been doing it for decades. It won't change now. You need to be prepared for that.

On the other hand you could go low contact, only see them on special occasions, and just keep things cordial and only speak to your father the rest of the time.

Do what you want, your stepmom has obviously been doing that all her life.

Maybe it will spur your father to grow a set of balls.

Older doesn't mean wiser, sometimes it just means selfish and cruel, sounds like it's time you need some justice.

It all depends… do you have children of your own? Do you live nearby (close enough to pop in) or too far away to visit without staying? Do you get on with your siblings and are they still living at home? These things

Id say if your relationship with her had always been poor, that isn’t likely to change, but it is a huge step to cut contact and could create havoc if/when she realises. It could be very distressing for your dad if it becomes difficult for him to see you.

Do you think you could see your dad without her, e.g., take him out to lunch, or to enjoy a shared interest, or invite him round to yours to help you with something. Or just start having regular phone calls when he’s on his own?

My dd has a similar situation. She told her dad she was not spending time with step mum anymore and has stuck to it.

She sees her dad at her grandparents or they meet at a cafe. She doesn't get step mum cards, doesn't have contact details. If dd is planning an event step mum isn't invited.

Dad has accepted this, tho he did push back for quite a while. Now that he's accepted her boundaries things are much better.

Hi everyone, sorry for my silence. I have been in a difficult state recently with going back and to with what to do.
To answer some questions, I do have 2 children (6 and 3), I live in the same town as my Dad and I don't have a close relationship with SM but so see her around twice a month. Anytime I see her I feel very on edge and like I have to preform and make her like me. I find it draining. I realise I have a lot of issues from my childhood, deep issues around how I was treated and I think they are just constantly bubbling under the service and really come to light when she is around me. Sadly more recently I am feeling the same around my Dad when previously I did have a very close bond with him. I love him a lot and would never want to be without him but I am also very hurt by how he has allowed her to treat me and how he has never stuck up for me in any sort of way. I do realise that he to has been very manipulated and beaten down over the years though.

My step mother was a thoroughly unpleasant human being, incredibly cruel and unkind to my siblings and I when we were small. My Dad was honestly the best dad I could have wished for. Until he met her. He was too weak and spineless to stand up to her and he allowed her abhorrent behaviour to go unchecked. It took a really long time but I cut them both off in the end and it’s sad, but I am absolutely better for it. Allowing such awful treatment of me and my siblings, even when we were adults, was not acceptable. The positive is that it has made me a much better step parent, so it wasn’t all for nothing.

I am so sorry you went through that. Our situations sound similar. Did you ever feel any guilt for cutting your Dad out? Are they still alive? If not how did you feel when they died?

@mistymirror No, I don’t feel guilty about it because I tried, for years and years, to have a relationship with him, but she just blocked it every time and he let her. Ultimately, it’s his loss. They are both still alive, and I’ll probably feel sad when he dies, for what should have been but wasn’t? I won’t give a shit when she dies because she is so truly vile, so it will be no loss. I didn’t understand her behaviour as a child and I understand it even less as an adult. I simply cannot fathom being so selfish and spiteful.

I imagine it was fuelled by jealously. It would be interesting to see whether your Dad would reach out to you if she died first.
Do they have any children of their own together?

I know you love your dad, and you're allowed to love him.
But there's a difference between loving someone and keeping them close/ allowing them to cause you further damage. He's not the one directly mistreating you, but he was your parent and he had a duty to protect you. He didn't.
It's normal to feel angry with your stepmum, but regardless of how much you love your dad, you should also see his wrongdoing here. Because otherwise you're going to keep setting yourself up for being hurt or disappointed.

You are obviously very good at explaining ratinoally why your dad didn't protect you. But there's a difference between understanding why something has happened and saying this was morally okay. You can explain, but that doesn't justify it it any way, or lessen the emotional toll it's had on you. And this is what you need to be putting first at the moment.
You've suffered a lot because of her actions and his lack of actions. The why doesn't really matter. You have healing to do. And you need to ask yourself whether either of them is going to contribute to your healing process.

Without reading what anyone else said, I hope that despite his weakness your Dad loves you very very much. Don't let her 'win' by not turning up. Kill her with polite kindness (just enough mind) but keep seeing your Dad.
My Dad had a girlfriend only (so yes different scenario) but she would have loved us off the scene. My sister obliged her. But I kept on showing up, for Dad.

I am sorry you're going through this OP. This all sounds incredibly familiar to me, sadly. I am now middle-aged, and my Dad is now dead. I have massive regret that I didn't cut the lot of them off years ago. The being nice in the face of abuse and jealousy has cost me quite a lot in terms of esteem. My Dad did nothing to protect me from that. I thought he was the best when he was alive, but I don't now.

If you do see them just remember you do not need to seek approval of a woman your dad decided to get with. If she is off with you be the same back. You can put her down and be dismissive of anything she does. You owe her nothing. Keep in contact with your dad if you can although as he didn’t protect you from this woman don’t feel obliged. You don’t want your children to see her treating you badly so stand up to her if she tries to put you down.

I would cut them both off and move on - just not worth it

You are so right. Thank you for this insight. It's almost as if you know me or my situation. It's very painful and I feel such deep grief even at the thought of turning my back on my Dad but at this stage I feel as though he has given me no choice. It's getting to the point that it's painful to just have small talk with him because it's the elephant in the room, he's let me down and he knows he has (he's admitted that to me) but he's still not prepared to put anything right or go up against her.

This is something I have considered a lot, she would love for me to be off the scene and so backing away from him feels like her winning but at this stage I'm in a lose, lose situation anyway. I'm feeling this situation start to seep into my everyday life because it's making me feel so low and bringing up a lot of negative childhood shit. Maybe it would be best for me to see a therapist to try and work through this stuff.

I am so sorry you have been through similar. I do hope you have managed to find some peace now.

It's weird because I consider myself to be an assertive person who doesn't allow myself to be treated badly by anyone else, I can set boundaries and I can stick up for myself but just the thought of doing that to her fills me with dread, makes my heart race and makes me feel like I need to please her. It's just the inner child in me seems to come out when she is about. It's very draining and I get frustrated with myself.

Let's just say I've been there myself, and even though my father and this women have broken up 20 years ago, I never quite managed to forgive him for not protecting me. It eventually did lead me to go NC with my father 5 years ago.

I hope you do go to therapy. It really helped me heal so much.