Creating boundaries

[Holly221288]

Hi,

I am looking for some advice in how to create boundaries with my mother who I believe could be a narcissist. I am unable to deal with the guilt of going NC but also cannot continue for her to have such a big part in our lives. I had a huge mental health blip in October which I’m still recovering from.

For context, I have begun to retreat from her i.e just seeing her once a week, not providing her with a play by play of every day (which she requests) etc and this resulted in her coming to my house last week and accusing me of keeping her grandchildren from her.

For some context, she wants to come to every single thing that we do (i.e every school event, all the children’s sports stuff, every day out). She never helps with the children (says this is because I don’t allow her which is complete rubbish). Every morning she asks what I am doing and every evening asks what I have done etc.

I just need to be able to create a healthy boundary that protects me from her constant negativity and my children from her damaging actions (she picks one child who she favours for that day and makes it very obvious).

Thanks in advance

Just bumping for replies

You are an adult, and do not have to tolerate being spoken to like that by anyone, even if they are your parent.

She is making your life a misery yet you feel guilty? Why?

@DrJonesIpresume I know that you are completely right. And if I was advising someone else I would say exactly the same. But even just slightly backing off leaves me with such guilt which is then having a really negative effect on my mood (which is precarious at best at the moment)

Take longer and longer to answer her messages. If she usually messages you in the morning asking what you’re doing, wait until the evening to reply. Stretch it out longer and longer. If she brings it up and has an issue with it tell her that life is super busy with work, the children, the house etc and you are now saving all correspondence for the evening.

stop telling her about all the kids activities so she can’t tag along. Just have maybe one catch a month planned in advance so she can’t moan about not having plans with you.

@DaisyChain505 this would be a great idea however if I don’t reply, she will turn up at my house (I work from home). Similarly she does things like check the school website for dates etc. She is next level 🙈

Keep saying no.

Tell her school events have limited numbers for family.

If she turns up at your house when you are working, don't answer the door. Leave her there banging/ringing the bell. If she says anything, tell her you were on a work call/in a meeting/had gone into the office/can't answer the door because it was a work call.

If she has a key, deadlock the door, put the chain on.

When she asks what you are doing, be vague - i dont know, not much,

Ultimately, you need to manage the feelings of guilt because that is the only way you will get a handle on this.

You can control this, you just won't. That's the bit you need to address.

You can't control someome else, only how you respond to them.

I'm sorry you are having such a tough time.

Perhaps it would help if you read up on FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) as things could become clearer for you about why you feel the way you do.

I don't have any great advice but just want to add another voice saying you're doing the right thing.

" I have begun to retreat from her i.e just seeing her once a week, not providing her with a play by play of every day"
This is a HUGE step you've taken. Don't be hard on yourself. Even if you have to go two steps forward, one step back to manage your mother's reaction and your own overwhelming feelings - you'r still heading in the right direction.
All the very best.

What you are feeling is inappropriate guilt, and it has been programmed into you by your mother, so of course she knows how to evoke it at will. This article will hopefully help to explain further and show some first steps to take:

https://www.growingself.com/let-go-of-unhealthy-guilt/

I agree be very vague. Omg she sounds hard work. Mine quite controlling too. I remember few years back presuming I was attend x with her. I said best to check first. Then mood. Its really draining

I genuinely can’t thank you all enough.

So I just wanted to update and ask if anyone knows where to progress from here.

I have still not seen my mum, she continues to message each morning to ask what we are doing and each evening. I do not respond to the evening messages and to the morning reply the same thing each day.

She has left gifts for the children at the house when she knew we would be out (she never buys the children gifts). She has begun downloading the school newsletter so she’s knows exactly what the children are doing and when. And she has bombarded one of my children with loving messages whilst completely ignoring the other. And the inevitable has happened, that she is telling other members of the family that I’ve just decided to no longer speak to her, she has done nothing wrong etc.

I am finding it all completely exhausting and consuming. I don’t want to engage in any of her games and neither will I comment to family etc about the situation. My question is where do I go from here? Obviously the first time I see her again will be incredibly awkward and in-person is so much harder to field questions of what are you doing, where have you been etc etc. And as soon as we see her, that will be a green light to her that everything is ‘back to normal’. In an ideal world, I want to see her once a week at most and for her to understand that she can’t be involved in every area of my life.

Self-centred people HATE boundaries and will go to great lengths to trample them.

There is nothing you can do about her behaviour. You can't change her, and if anything she will probably get worse as she gets older. All you can do is continue to learn about these kind of behaviours and how to handle them.

The more you read and learn, the better you will understand what you are dealing with.

The feelings of guilt can be a real kicker, but, as a previous poster said, this has been programmed into you by your mother since you were a kid. So it takes a lot of un-learning. You might want to check out Dr Ramani on Youtube. She has a lot to say about controlling / selfish / narc mothers, and tips on how to cope.

Also look up "yellow rock technique" which you can employ whenever you have to see her. You remain polite, give non-committal / boring answers to her questions, and ignore any attempts at creating drama.

Protect your children from her. She is clearly trying the same kind of shit on them with her divide-and-conquer favouritism.

Sorry you've got a mum like this. You're not the only one. They're everywhere....

@Sicario thank you that is great advice. I will look both of those things up. I know I’m the main problem as I still love her/want to spend time with her (I just don’t want to be controlled by her)

@Holly221288 - it might help to think of this as a re-set of your relationship with her, where you take back control of your life, and you decide how much contact you want to have with her.

You are an adult now with children of your own. She either learns to respect you and your boundaries, or she faces the consequences.

Hopefully you will be able to bring your relationship with her on to a better, healthier footing.