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Original poster

Anyone who has used pof? Am I being naive?

36 replies

WhatIsLife24 · 14/05/2024 16:47

So I’ve started dating for the first time in nearly a year and I met this guy on plenty of fish who I actually really like. We’ve been dating for a couple of months now. A month in we both made it clear that we weren’t dating anyone else. But we’re not officially in a relationship or anything. I told him a few weeks ago that I’m no longer on pof. He is but said he hasn’t been on it since our first date. Now this might sound a bit psycho but I’ve just checked to see if he’s still on it and his profile is still there but he’s changed his username. 1- AIBU to be annoyed that he’s still on, and 2- is it a bit sketchy that he has a different username? My mind goes straight to he’s changed his name so that I can’t find him 🤦🏻‍♀️
Asked him and he is adamant he hasn’t changed his username and hasn’t logged on since our first date. He sounds sincere but I don’t know how else you can explain it. But he’s not lying about the fact his profile is still on there so I don’t know whether it’s just my trust issues here.
Sorry if this all sounds very pathetic!

OP posts:
Original poster
WhatIsLife24 · 15/05/2024 14:48

Thank you everyone. I do think he was genuine as he was very intent on trying to prove his innocence and he was happy to show me his profile.
I guess there is the chance that he’s made a duplicate profile but I will warily choose to trust him at the moment as this has been the only issue that’s come up so far. I might be naive but my gut instinct is telling me that he’s being honest and I’m usually so suspicious. Time will tell. If anything else happens then yes I was wrong!

OP posts:
samestyle · 15/05/2024 14:57

Message that profile, if you get a response particularly from someone in military and looking for a serious relationship, it's a stolen profile, you can't mistakenly duplicate a profile, he would of had to set up a new one with a different email address , no response will probably mean it's him.

SpringleDingle · 15/05/2024 15:04

I'm always confused by the exclusive but not in a relationship stuff. If I have met up with a guy 4 or 5 times and had the exclusivity chat then we are in a relationship. It's not the same as the relationship I'd have 18 months in but it's a relationship.

If you aren't feeling 100% secure in the relationship you need to wonder why. Is it because you have additional anxieties due to past trauma... or is it because this guy isn't doing what he needs to do to make you feel secure? Is he saying the right things - how lucky he is to be dating you, how much he likes you, what he hopes for in the future with you (not marriage at this point but plans for a weekend away might be appropriate), etc?? If he isn't making you feel secure then address that. If he is doing all that then this is you and you need to get some therapy.

summersolstice43 · 15/05/2024 15:09

Playing devils advocate here but:
If his profile is exactly the same, just his username thats changed, and he hasnt been online then maybe he is telling the truth. It possible he changed his username as you both started chatting then once you started dating you didnt notice it and he never went back on?

SpringleDingle · 15/05/2024 15:11

I should add that his actions should match his words so he shouldn't just be telling you he really likes you but should also be eagerly making dates, making time to contact you, being caring and respectful, etc..

JennyBeanR · 15/05/2024 15:56

I had a similar experience with my now partner on pof. I confronted him and he apologised and removed it. This was just a few weeks in, but we'd agreed to be exclusive. So, I would recommend asking him to remove his profile, lay out your boundaries clearly. In my experience men aren't great at hints.

AnnieSF · 15/05/2024 16:09

I recall it being vaguely difficult to remove a profile on POF?

Menapausemum1974 · 15/05/2024 17:48

WhatIsLife24 · 15/05/2024 14:48

Thank you everyone. I do think he was genuine as he was very intent on trying to prove his innocence and he was happy to show me his profile.
I guess there is the chance that he’s made a duplicate profile but I will warily choose to trust him at the moment as this has been the only issue that’s come up so far. I might be naive but my gut instinct is telling me that he’s being honest and I’m usually so suspicious. Time will tell. If anything else happens then yes I was wrong!

@WhatIsLife24 he sounds genuine to me, go for it and don't let doubts ruin someone before it starts! ❤️

Original poster
WhatIsLife24 · 15/05/2024 18:35

Yes the profiles gone now so either way he’s not on pof anymore. We still haven’t labelled anything specifically but we already had the exclusive talk in terms of only dating each other etc. This was the only thing that’s made me doubt him. Otherwise he’s been lovely. I have probably got issues as my ex husband was an abusive and cheating arsehole so think this maybe triggered me as I thought it was gaslighting all over again!

OP posts:
horticulturallyYours · 15/05/2024 20:47

I'd imagine it's not unusual for profile data to get copied wholesale into a new profile for use by romance scammers. It's the lowest effort to just copy / paste everything as they keep lots of profiles going and have no imagination (or local knowledge if they are really in a different country ) to make up convincing details.

Just a thought. Likewise the "typing" and "read" indicators, that seem to spark so much drama on messaging systems occasionally, can be wrong quite often. Especially the "typing" icon as that is basically a guess as to whether activity is still happening or typing has really stopped... the purpose of them is to keep your attention on the app, not to be accurate... but that's drifting off the subject a bit! Good luck with the new chap!

FatAndFiftySomething · 16/05/2024 08:17

SpringleDingle · 15/05/2024 15:04

I'm always confused by the exclusive but not in a relationship stuff. If I have met up with a guy 4 or 5 times and had the exclusivity chat then we are in a relationship. It's not the same as the relationship I'd have 18 months in but it's a relationship.

If you aren't feeling 100% secure in the relationship you need to wonder why. Is it because you have additional anxieties due to past trauma... or is it because this guy isn't doing what he needs to do to make you feel secure? Is he saying the right things - how lucky he is to be dating you, how much he likes you, what he hopes for in the future with you (not marriage at this point but plans for a weekend away might be appropriate), etc?? If he isn't making you feel secure then address that. If he is doing all that then this is you and you need to get some therapy.

I’ve had this kind of ‘relationship’ before, it worked very well for both of us. Exclusive, but not intense. Too busy to meet every week or fortnight, but wanting to enjoy the benefits of an std free person. Maybe it was like fwb? But a little more than that? I don’t know, but as I said it worked very well for us.

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