Advice - feeling pressured and upset

[stressedout1994]

Hi all

Wasn't sure whether to post this or not as it is so personal...

I'm 29 and have been in a relationship with another woman for a few years. I am bisexual and she is a lesbian. I always thought we had an adventurous and enjoyable sex life. Broadly speaking our relationship is fantastic.

Recently she has been at me about having a threesome with another woman. In theory I am receptive to the idea, but frankly feel a bit nagged about it at this point. She brings it up right after we've just had sex and it makes me feel inadequate. We had a big argument about it last night as she brought it up again. She has recently been away for a holiday and one of the women on the group holiday told her 'I'd like to kiss you'. Naturally she said no and I'm glad that she told me but it made me feel jealous and insecure. This other woman assumed that we were in an open relationship - it seems to be really common with other lesbians at the moment. The same weekend she got back from the football and promptly told me that two of her friend's friends said that they fancied her when they met her!

The three things in quick succession just made me feel really angry and insecure. She thinks that this level of honesty is healthy, but I think it's thoughtless and cruel. There is a man I work with who I have a warm and sometimes relatively flirtatious friendship with. Naturally sometimes I meet other people who I think are attractive and vice versa. I just don't feel the need to talk about it! She is a bit younger than me and I just don't think that she gets that sometimes you want things or fancy others a bit but part of being in a LTR is accepting that you just ignore or don't act on / talk about those impulses. It's made me really angry.

I know if she was a man everyone would be saying 'porn sick' or 'LTB' but she isn't porn-sick and I don't want us to split up. I am just very hurt by this. We have both had threesomes before - with other people before we met - and I honestly just don't think they are the be all and end all. She has said that it's 'depressing' that I'm not more 'open-minded'. All of this has just hurt me and made me feel like being desired by other women is more important than how I feel. I feel really sad. I would never tolerate this from a man.

If you wouldn’t tolerate it from a man you don’t need to tolerate it from a woman. She isn’t being sensitive towards your feelings and if you’re having big arguments about it then she’s more than aware that you’re hurt and reluctant. You’re not compatible if you ultimately want different things: you aren’t keen on the idea of threesomes, you aren’t particularly driven by wanting to have them, and it’s not going to be a “once and done” sort of thing - so much as you say you don’t want to break up, it’s really the only solution.

DH and I have had periods of open relationship but the idea of a threesome does nothing for me. Fine if both parties are willing but a recipe for disaster otherwise.

Although there’s no risk of accidental pregnancy in your case, there are still fairly compelling reasons why, for most of us, 1 partner at a time feels best. Apart from anything, sex is such an intimate act. It typically generates an emotional closeness with our fellow participants.

So unless you’re into polyamory, I think it’s playing with fire really. So don’t feel you have to agree if you don’t want to. It may mean the end of your relationship but she sounds as if she’ll be off soon anyway given how keen she is to have sex with other women and let you know they’re interested.

PS as @ComtesseDeSpair says - if you wouldn’t accept this from a man, you don’t have to accept it from a woman. Overall, you sound incompatible.

Tbh it sounds like narcissistic triangulation to me. When they deliberately talk about other women or compare you to them, to make you feel insecure.

Beware of the trap of 'oh but she's (younger than me/from a different culture/just not thinking etc) and just doesn't mean to be hurtful'. The number of abusers people excuse like that in the beginning must be astronomical.

She's an adult. She, presumably, understands basic human empathy....right? Then she.gets.it

You should never find yourself explaining to someone why obviously hurtful behaviour is hurtful. Not only are you doing this, but she's now gaslighting you about your right to be hurt. And making herself out to be the injured party.

She's not young op. She's just a dickhead.

@stressedout1994 @Pinkbonbon has nailed it. This 💯

This