Name change to post here, as I want to keep this anonymous... I hope you understand.
So my husband and I have been together for just over a decade and have one child together. Our sex life before child was pretty good, fizzled out totally during pregnancy (I was all over him, he totally lost the drive) but after pregnancy I suffered really badly from anxiety and was put on sertraline, 100mg.
Now, I have suffered from OCD for years and being on the meds has completely changed my life. I can think clearly, I'm able to function and have been thriving on them. Predictably, my sex drive however has taken a nose dive.
I find myself "performing" for my husband a lot, who's sex drive has gone into overdrive in the past year or so. I'm sure that if he had his way, he'd have sex twice a day, and has expressed to me that he feels neglected. I just have sex with him, make him feel good, and usually I get into it too, but sometimes it really is just for him.
I feel completely carved up- I have an incredibly clingy child who wants 100% of my attention, a new business that I am pouring all of my effort into, and a husband who is all over me when all I want to do is rest and sleep.
The problem started the other night. I was bone tired. Along with my business, I also work at a local cafe to bring in extra money on Sundays. It had been a busy day. I came home, parented and got on with my own work once child was in bed. By then it was about 11 and I just fell into bed, exhausted. Then DH starts. I'm like... Ok just put it in and get it over with. My eyes were even shut at the time and I was facing away. I was just wanting to sleep. He said no, I don't have to, he wants sex but if I'm too tired he'll wait, but I was like... Just do it, get what you want. So he did. It hurt. Afterwards he was actually surprised how awful he felt and said "let's never do that again. That felt wrong". Ever since he's been clearly feeling guilty and we spoke about it, that I feel used and that my body is not truly my own.
The truth is (to avoid drop feeding) I have been sexually assaulted in the past. When I was a young woman, I especially felt like the only way I could get love and treated "well" was through my body. This got me in some really dangerous situations, and I was also betrayed by men that I foolishly thought were my friends before I even met my husband. I was also abused sexually as a child/ young teenager.
I've been terrified that my husband would leave me if I didn't put out, that he would find satisfaction elsewhere. He never told me or gave me the implication that he would, but I've been on this earth long enough to know that really does happen.
Another point to bring up is that his tastes are very different. He is actually very kinky and likes rough sex sometimes, which I've gone along with to make him happy. Even though It brings back awful memories that I just push back down.
I told him all of this and he just looked crushed and said "I've really betrayed you. I am so sorry,"
Does anyone have any advice on how to move forward from this? Even writing this all down has really helped, but I would really appreciate some outside perspectives.
Thank you.