Long Distance Relationship?

[Definitelynotme2022]

I've just started seeing a really lovely guy. We get on so well, he's just so easy to spend time with. The only downside is that we live just over 2 hours apart, and both work full time. His is longer hours, more stressful and less flexible than mine.

Has anyone done this successfully? What are your top tips? Did you set guidelines of a maximum time apart?

2 hours is shorter than my commute time to the office. 😂I really wouldn't class this as a particularly long distance relationship. Do you both have children? Other caring responsibilities that keep you busy evenings and weekends? If yes, you plan time around those. If not, you prioritise time visiting each other in your down time. For example, he could come to yours Wednesday after work for a late dinner and time together, stay over and leave early to get to work on Thursday (or wfh at yours if possible). When I have to get into the office, I get up extra early and take the 6:30 train so I'm there before 9am. You still get the evening and nighttime together. And weekends, you just go back and forth. If you have children, it's a bit trickier though, not because of the distance, but because of the childcare.

Dh and I were long distance an 11 hour flight from each other most of the 3 years before we got married. We flew back and forth every 2-3 months for 2-4 weeks at a time, either on a holiday or on of us would work from the other country (we were doing remote working long before most other people were). We kept in touch regularly through messaging when we weren't together. I think the distance is different, but concept is the same, regular communication when you are apart and making the most of being together for long stretches when you can be.

I don’t really think it’s THAT long distance, tbh. There was a time when DH and I were 7 time zones apart. 2 hours is doable every weekend if you want to.

I think I'm catastrophising a bit! It's been so lovely so far, but we both need to do other things this weekend so won't see each other. And he's mega stressed with work, so I'm not even going to suggest seeing each other this week!

I have my dc's living with me, and he's currently staying at his dm's so given that it's still very new we'll be relying on hotels for a couple more months at the very least. We also have the M25 to contend with, the closure at the weekend made life very stessful, as he's one side of London and I'm the other.

But I guess if you want it then you'll make it work.

just started seeing him and he is already telling you all about being too stressed with work? That worries me more than the distance. Have a good think OP before you get too invested…

Two hours distance ?! that's a doddle , try something like twelve hours .

2 hours is nothing 😂😂😂😂

2 hours is nothing. When me and my DH were dating the distance was 6 hours (he got relocated with work which sucked).

My advice is this:

1. Both of you need to put effort in. If it's all one sided it will never work. Make sure you go and see him as much as he sees you. Even if it means meeting halfway
2. See each other often
3. Have an end goal in sight. When I was dating dh I told him that I could put up with it for a year and if things were progressing and becoming more serious then things would have to change. They did, he was good to his word.

We were 5 hours drive from each other. That was 15 years ago, now married with kids.

I think if you like someone, and get on well, it can work.

That's not very long distance @Definitelynotme2022 :)

Long distance didn't work for me. Once the novelty of the 'relationship' settled down, it became a bit of a bind trying to have any quality time together and one or the other of us having to do the travelling or having to forfeit weekend plans with friends because we both worked full time and could only see each other weekends. We couldn't spontaneously go to the pub for a meal on a night after work despite both being free in the evenings.

Shame really because he was a nice guy but it could only ever have worked as a part-time/casual thing.

Definitely not the long distance I was expecting. I've just driven 2 hours to see my partner. As mentioned above you make the time. My partner has a two jobs and I have young children but we work around it as it's worth it.
We get married next year.

You have to want them in your life (for both of you) more than anything .

It has to be a really strong relationship from the beginning to work. It worked for me, but we spent our weekends together at his or at mine, and we spent time having a great time for a year until he asked me to marry him and we got married 6 months later later. I wouldn't have been able to do it if either of us had children though.

I don't think 2 hours is nothing when you have dc and work full-time.

It means that pretty much you only have the weekends - and that's precious time with your kids as well. Plus all the stuff you need to catch up on at weekends.

I guess it depends a bit how much their father has them and their ages, but I'd have found that difficult.

hi @Definitelynotme2022

I live 25 hours away from my boyfriend 😂

We’ve been together for a year. We’ve been lucky that we’ve both been able to travel with work and see each other and both had more time off in the last year to holiday together, plus he was my high school sweetheart (cheesy expression) so we already had that “base” established. Logistically it is challenging and expensive but it works for us - I can’t imagine not having him in my life so we make it work. I have my kids almost full time (exH has them EoW) so it enables me to focus on them and my job which is full on.

Practically, I call him on my way to work - 7am my time, 9pm his - and we chat, we message through our respective days, and we try to chat again when I’m in bed - 10pm my time, 8am his. We travel frequently to see each other and managed only 6 week gaps last year, but currently going through a long stretch that will be 4 months. It is hard. But the nature of his job would mean that could happen even if we lived in the same house.

On a weekend where neither of us have kids we chat for hours like teenagers (like the teenagers we were when we met in the 90s 😂)

Lots of whatsapping, voice messages, even letters … it’s the best relationship I’ve ever had. I almost think when we finally live together I will miss this phase, it’s quite romantic.Anyway - hope this is encouraging - yours should be a doddle in comparison 😂

Never thought about it before my husband and I had along distance relationship and we lived each other , were twelve hours apart .We got married in the end but you know how it is , you live and breath each other . We had no kids at the time obviously but how do people manage if you have kids ?.I wouldn't have had the time for kids 😁 .

Two hours isn't bad at all, particularly if you don't have children. My DD and her BF live about 2.5 hours apart and have been dating for over a year. They usually see each other 2-3 times a month, he will come up twice a month and she will go down his way once a month or so from after work on Friday til Sunday afternoon. Neither of them think it's too long of a drive as they are only doing it a couple times a month each. They talk/facetime every day and they are still going very strong. He will eventually get a job closer to her late this year/early next year, so they will close the gap after about 2 years together.

I did LDR in college but we were 8+ hours apart. It eventually led to the demise of our relationship because as college young poor college students were could only afford/have time to meet up a few times a year. We had been LDR for years and at that age it was tough, and we still had a year and a half to go. If we had been able to see each other a couple of times a month I'm sure we could've made it work.

I will also add that I did LDR back before mobile phones (yes I'm ancient lol). Phone calls were pricey so not only did we not see each other often but we only spoke maybe once a week and not for hours, maybe 45mins at the most. I think if we had the technology like we have now we would've had a better chance of making it. 😊

@Sunnytwobridges I have still got massive plastic boxes of love letters , even after we were married because he was in the forces there was hundreds of letters sent .We were proper old school and no mobiles , it was really hard , but the post caused much excitement in our house 😁.

The advent of technology is great for LDRs. DP and I met in 1998 - I was an exchange student at his high school. No mobile phones, no internet, no facetime, no whatsapp, no Facebook. I said goodbye to him in January 1999 and our only contact was letters - I didn’t write back and that was it 🥺 (that was how you ghosted in the olden days 😂) until he messaged me out of the blue in late 2022 as my marriage was falling apart. We could never have made it work any earlier - one of us would have had to sacrifice their careers, we couldn’t have afforded travel, we wouldn’t have had our kids. I do feel quite woo, like the universe had a plan for us ✨😂

Heaven forfend a bloke being stressed about work 😂😂😂😂
Jesus Christ

@DaisyMerollin thats not what I meant. What I picked up on in OPs post is that she is already feeling unsure whether she should arrange to see him at the weekend because of his ‘work stress’. Of course people do, but early on in a relationship they shouldn’t be making the other person feel like that, don’t you agree? It sets up a precedent for her fitting in around him and feeling like she is not a priority, and I’ve made that mistake with disastrous consequences (too long a story to share!)

I don't see this as a red flag to be honest. We keep in touch a lot because we can't just pop out for a coffee or dinner, and we talk about everything. It's a new job/probation period thing. I'd be stressed too!

I get that 2 hours isn't a massive amount of time, but as we both work full time and both have children it's a good chunk! And it's far too early in the relationship to be introducing each other to our respective children, so that limits us even further. I live with my dc's and he sees his regularly but not with any formal arrangement as they're both past that age. Plus we both have friends that we want to keep up with!

So I won't see him this weekend as he's had plans for weeks, and then the following weekend he needs to see his dc's. So we need to plan something else for in the week.

I'm a similar distance away from my boyfriend.
Been together a year now. We have consistently seen each other every single one of those weekends - Friday to Monday morning, driving straight to respective work places on the Monday. We alternate, so one weekend he's at mine, the other I'm at his. We are flexible in that if there's something on in either area or something we cannot change or an event etc, we'll do two weekends in one place, then the pattern resumes. If one of us has particular plans with friends, we don't write the entire weekend off. For example, if i have plan to see the girls on Saturday evening, he will still come for the full weekend. Likewise the other way around. We'll just entertain ourselves for that time, just as we would if we lived together. If it's a couples/group/family thing, we got together.
I decided pretty early on I wanted to relocate to his area (I'm only where I am in the world due to a previous marriage, no other ties really) I am now slowly putting things in place to make that move. I don't think either of us could have done it indefinitely - i sort of think, what's the point? where's the relationship progression? I have no concerns over living together either, having spent weeks on holiday, or being together all the time for a few weeks over Christmas for example.
Not once has a Friday come around and I've thought, i can't actually be bothered with the drive. He has said the same.
Saying all of the above, neither of us have children. However, if you want something enough, providing the effort put in on both sides is equal, I wouldn't let it put you off.
Good luck and enjoy it!