Emotional affair?

[gladioli]

I'm not sure if I'm completely overreacting. Basicially, my dp has been having - what I consider to be - an emotional affair with another woman for the past 5 years. She was one of his circle of friends about 5 years ago when we first got together but she moved abroad after a year. I always felt awkward about her - you know this niggly feeling you get when people act ever so slightly different around you and when your bf is just a little bit too casual when mentioning someone... I always put it to the back of my mind as being stupid, but recently got that feeling again when he (way too) casually told me she got in touch and was now his friend of facebook. The story he told me was a little bid odd, so completely against my own 'relationship protocol' I decided to have a quick snoop through his internet activity. It turned out that he invited her to be his friend (rather than the other way round as he said), but then I also found that he had an email account I didn't know about. The account had a completely different password than he uses for absolutely everything else. In the account the only contact was this woman. All emails in the inbox were deleted but there were some of his emails still in the outbox. The emails were not very explicit - lots of everyday chat -, but there was a lot of 'I miss you a lot' and 'I miss what we had together' and 'watching that film made me think of you a lot and miss you' etc. In the only email from her that was saved she says: "i still think about you a lot and not in a faithfull way. i'm really nostalgic of what we had. but i already told you about that but just wanted to tell you that it's still true and the years haven"t erased anything nor attenuated my feelings for you. You're my best memory and my best regret too!" In his response he mails back that he still thinks about her all the time and misses her a lot....

Also, over the past couple of years dp has been saying to me that he fancied going away for a short break on his own, to have some 'me time'. Ofcourse I never had a problem with that - even though we were struggling finding time to go anywhere together -, but for various reasons he never actually went. Now it turns out that in his correspondence with her he has been trying to arrange to meet up with her during this 'break'. Several dates and places are mentioned, but I only get one side of the story as I don't have her replies. I didn't even know they were in fairly regular contact (the emails are montly over 2005 and 2006, then becoming less frequent (we had a very busy time moving house etc.)). And he never mentioned that he was planning to meet anyone on his holiday.

When I confronted him about it he was very distraught - mostly because I was fuming I suspect. He owned up to still being in contact. He said that they were just friends and they got quite close when I was abroad for 4 months soon after we met in 2004 and her bf was abroad for a while at the same time. They could talk to each other openly and got quite close. But nothing more. He argued that the secret account wasn't supposed to be a secret - he set it up years ago and just didn't get round to transferring his other friends into it and she just kept using it. And he explained that he didn't tell me about his attempts to meet with her on holdiday because he wasn't sure that it would happen. Not very good explanations...

I do believe that it has been platonic, but that doesn't make it any less bad. As far as I'm concerned he's been having what you
could call an 'emotional affair'. The fact that he has been talking and smoozing with her in secret emails shows that there was something to hide. He has lots of female friends he emails and meets up with, and I know he is very demonstrative - I dont' have a problem with that. But this is different.

He kept saying that to him it didn't feel it was that bad but he can see that from my perspective it looks very bad and he should
never have kept their friendship a secret. He has been very remorseful, and he swears he'll break all contact with her and do anything to regain my trust. But I am very disappointed in him. I trusted him completely and never thought he would do anything like that behind my back.

I've made him ban her from his facebook site and shut down the 'secret' account. All this happened a few days ago so I have calmed down a lot and I'm sure we'll get over it. Dp is working very hard trying to be absolutely perfect. Over the years he has never emotionally withrawn from me and he has always been very loving. But I'm still really hurt that he had this emotional bond with someone else as well. Anyway, sorry for the long post. Any suggestions on how to put this behind me?

OK I am sure someone esle will be along with advice based on direct experience, but I have to say I find your view a little bit strange. If he never withdrew from you and never had sex with this woman, why is it such a big deal that he is friends with her? I really do not understand the concept of one person meeting all another's psychological and physical needs forever.

'Dp is working very hard trying to be absolutely perfect'

there is not such thing as perfection, he is never going to attain that , certainly not for ever

if their friendship had no impact emotionally or physcially on your marriage, then i am not sure why you are so angry

maybe he kept his friendship a secret as he knew you would stop him from being friends with ehr?

why is he not allowed a friend?

i think you are being excessively hard on him

in the 5 years, he was keeping this secret , he could have had a physical affair but did not.

Ok, fair enough I get your point. But the thing is, I have never had a problem with him having close female friends at all. He has several so he knows I would never have stopped him from seeing her under normal circumstances. It's just the fact that he has always been so secretive about this particular friend that makes me so uncomfortable. Why be so secretive if there is nothing going on?

OK - the secrecy is not good, but then he probably knew that you would react this way.

Did he already know this woman before he met you?

It does sound to me like you're jealous of the relationship that they have - and this is highly reminiscent (for me) of a very close male friend of mine. We had been friends (always only platonic, never anything romantic/physical/sexual at all and not likely to be) for years, but when he met his gf, now dw, she was so jealous of our friendship and could never accept that there hadn't been anything between us. I had to back off completely and - effectively - drop him as my friend. I still see him, but rarely, and only if she is with him.

It was very hurtful to lose someone who was, at the time, my best friend.

Do you think this could be the situation with your dh?

Having said all of this, I would never have written to my friend in the way that your dh has written to this woman, so that would concern me too.

A difficult one, but one where you probably both have to open up a bit more and talk about what's going on/how you feel - and put it all into perspective.

Do you have any indication that he actually wanted to shag her? Or that he had been conducting a cyber affair with her?

To me this seems like nostalgia over a good friendship.

I once had a very good friend. A male friend. I lost him, I miss him. Nothing sexual at all.

planning a holiday together is weird. esp. behind the OPs back. I would definitely have a problem with the secrecy and if it was so great, then why does he not eff off to her? I think he's just glorifying the past.

They became friends just after we got together and got close when I went away for a while a few months later.

A big part of my feelings of anger is probably jealousy. I was quite shocked seeing him say all these things to another woman (at one point he even called her by the nickname he uses for me). He has other female friends he is close with, including an ex-girlfiend who I like very much. I'm sure I wouldn't have felt like this if he'd been open about their friendship all along...

And I can only imagine what might have happened if they'd actually managed to meet up on holiday. Maybe just coffee. But the fact that he was planning this in secret doesn't fill me with confidence. But then again, if he really wanted to meet with her he probably would have found the time.

He has certainly betrayed your trust by going behind your back and being secretive and I understand your feelings completely.
BUT my DH had an emotional affair 18 months ago the main difference being that he was telling this person he loved, was going to leave his wife etc!

That doesn't seem to have happened in your case but it is a betrayal none the less, he should hev been open and honest with you.

Madamez- You and I have posted similar viewpoints on previous threads and I agree with you to a point BUT if your spouse is under the impression that you are in a monogomous relationship then it should stay that way until you have the deceny to discuss the matter with them.
I belive open relationships can and do work but they need a commitment from both parties that is agreed on advance

I would be upset by what you have read Gladioli. The e-mails etc show that they have been having an emotional affair.
As far as I am concerned, if there are conversations/communications taking place that your partner would not be comfortable with you hearing/seeing then that is an emotional affair.
Do you think that they just wanted to meet up for a chat??

Hello. I've been experiencing something similar recently. Ex-gf of DP got in touch via e-mail after gap of many, many years and he told me about it after 4 months with a rather dramatic announcement. He then said he wasn't going to stay in touch with her (his decision) and 12 months later I find out he that he changed his mind, and again chose to keep it secret. Eventually I read some of their correspondence (not proud) which was pretty intimate.

One of the things I have found most difficult about all this is the secrecy. he'd never kept secrets from me before, and I just didn't think he was the kind of bloke who did secrets. Also, there were difficulties between us at the time - nothing huge but some odd behaviour - and I spent a lot of time wondering what was going on and trying to make things better. I rather feel as if a whole chunk of relevant information was witheld from me at the time.

Anyway, know I know that he can keep secrets in some circumstances, and that he is capable of selfish, shitty behaviour. So, he's human.

Right or wrong, it has felt as if the (unspoken) contract between us has been broken. That's what hurts. And it's raised some issues about trust. Still not sure how I feel and have had some emotional distress and irrationality to deal with.

Of course you're not overreacting.

He's been deliberately conducting a secret relationship based on "one that got away" fantasies for most of your relationship.

He has gone to considerable lengths to hide this relationship from you [just didn't get around to transferring over his other contacts, my arse].

He's been at least considering taking time away from you so he could secretly meet her, and one must presume there was at least the frisson of possibility of what might happen if they did get to meet up under that circumstance.

Even from the bits of e-mail he didn't have the cop on to delete so you couldn't find them, it's clear they write things about their feelings for one another and those feelings are of a romantic nature.

I can't believe anybody thinks you should be OK with this, or that this girl is just a friend. I don't e-mail my male friends about how I regret that we're not together and I wouldn't expect their girlfriends to be OK with it if I did.

Agree with you skidodle, you are def not overacting and think you are being pretty calm about it all actually, i would be furious and feel very betrayed by the secracy

What Skidoodle said. at anyone who thinks you should be calm and fine with it.

Do you have kids?

I think skidoodle's right too, but not sure if anger is the right response, it seems he's felt ashamed because of loyalty and his feelings for you, and he knows it's inappropriate etc etc -- so piling it on may drive him to further secrecy.

If he's doing everything you want I would leave it while feelings are tender then have a big talk about what it was all really about, because it plainly wasn't what he said it was.

Want to add that in my opinion, you're not over-reacting...I am not a jealous person at all (generally) but would be rattled severely if I found my partner had been secretly in touch with another woman. It's not just the secrecy- it's the tone of their correspondence- Definitely romantic, hence his reaction to the confrontation. It's really up to you whether you can get past this. Chances are this woman is a bit of a fantasy figure and in reality, their relationship wouldn't have lasted had it been 'consummated' but it's pretty confidence destroying that he's held a flame for her this whole time. Most of us have people from our past that we reminisce over but to take that a step further and let it interfere and possibly destroy a permanent relationship is definitely breaking a trust. I don't know how you could put this behind you apart from maybe some counselling? He needs to initiate ways to rebuild trust so I hope you don;t step into the trap of doing all the work for both of you while he tries to forget about it...i've seen that happen a lot.

Thanks for all your comments. I'm glad most of you agree that I'm not overreacting. I still feel quite unsettled but I have talked about it with dp a few times now. He still maintains that at the time he didn't think he was doing anything wrong but he now starts to admit (also to himself I think) that it was more than a 'normal' friendship and that it was wrong. He's piling on the love and affection so he knows he has something to put right. But from their correspondence I know that she will be in town for a week to meet friends next weekend (she lives abroad) and was planning to meet up with dp. He says he has broken all contact and won't go to meet her, but I'm bracing myself for a week feeling very uncomfortable.

"He still maintains that at the time he didn't think he was doing anything wrong"

Sorry, I can't believe this. he used a completely separate email account and set a different password, etc.

Do you have kids together?

What a nightmare I'm really sorry you're going through this.

Totally agree with MrsMacaroon. It's a fantasie he loves to sniff like ablankie and get out when times are tough. My dp left his friendreunited site open and i looked at the outbox and found amessage to his first GF about wanting to meet up and he's divorced, living alone in Belgravia bullshit. We were on holiday at the time and I sulked, then told him I was very displeased with him trying to hide my existence and the fact we've been together for over 2 yrs, etc. He said things were tough between us at the time he wrote it and it wasn't meant seriously. I said I'm very hurt and I'd rather he speaks to me about what is wrong with us and how to solve it rather than put his head into the sand and email someone who he hasn't seen or heard from for 20 years and who's likely to have changed, etc. It was the secrecy which hurt and the fact he sought a refuge in writing to her rather than speaking to me. These escapist fantasies, you know what I mean...

Anyhoo, I was angry about it ONCE and explained my hurt, then didn't mention it again but rather encourage communication between us and make sure we're both heading into the right direction and are happy. Bring it up once, how hurt you are and why, then ask him to see it from your point of view and say you hope this won't happen again as you want both of you to be a part of each other's lives. Then don't bring it up again. But keep your eyes open.

Wishing you luck!

Well despite his protestations to the contrary, he seems to be owning up to having done wrong and attempting to make amends for it, so I don't think you can ask for much more in recompense for such childish self-indulgence.

TBH I wouldn't bother feeling uncomfortable about her coming. I think Alexa's right that this was just a comfortable fantasy - a nice way to retreat back to adolescence. It doesn't look like he ever had any actual intentions to go through with anything, but just enjoyed wittering on about it.

The whole thing deserves scorn more than anything.

If it were me I wouldn't be demanding he break off contact with her, but that he utterly normalise it, i.e. go and see her with the group of friends, but include you. Stop all the ridiculous subterfuge and just contact her as part of the general group of friends.

Having been on the end of both kinds of infidelity, I would much rather my dp had a one night stand than this kind of long winded emotional affair. In some ways I think this is a worse betrayal. Just my personal opinion. If she lives abroad there is no real need for him to go to meet her, it's not as if she is a regular amongst his friends or colleagues and he has to normalise anything, i.e. for the sake of comfortable relations with others who all meet together on a regular basis iyswim...?

Again, from my own experience, if he is piling on the love and affection, that is good; and try very hard if you want things to heal, not to keep bringing it up or throwing it in his face. If you both want to move on, you absolutely have to leave it in the past. Hang in there -