Unhappy with DH but don't know if it's bad enough to leave

[theremarkablerocket]

I'm hoping to get some perspectives and advice on my situation. I'm married with 3 DC (9, 7 and 3). There's nothing terribly wrong in my marriage - no abuse or cheating - but I don't think I love my DH any more and I'm not sure what to do.

I've been feeling this way for around 18 months and assuming it would pass but it hasn't. Life isn't terribly stressful so it's not that. We both work 4 days a week and both pull our weight with the kids and the house (probably 40/60 him/me) but I just don't enjoy being around him anymore.

We both earn decent money - me roughly 25% more with my earnings likely to go up soon while he's maybe a bit stuck in his current, quite niche, role.

We get on fine. Probably the main thing in terms of my quality of life is that we both have quite high sex drives and I just don't find him attractive any more. I've really tried and we still have quite regular sex (though down to maybe once a week) but I absolutely dread it now and find it a bit upsetting to have sex with him.

His working pattern means I regularly have the DCs by myself for full days (6.30am - 9 or 10pm) and I find it much more relaxed than when DH is around. There's nothing wrong with his parenting but he's quite grouchy with the kids and I find it stressful compared to looking after them by myself. They behave worse when he's around.

We have a lovely house in a nice area of London and the kids are settled in a nice state school with good secondary options. I think if we could afford two houses in the area my choice would be very straightforward but given that's not the case I'm not sure if I can justify blowing up their lives to improve mine.

I feel completely lost and would love some outside perspectives!

Sorry you are feeling lost op.

Can I ask why you don’t find him attractive any more? Has he changed, put on weight, or is it his general grumpiness?

Is it anything you feel that could be worked on with better communication? Could you give marital therapy a try? Even relationship or sex therapy?

Is he aware that you are unhappy? Would he be upset that you are contemplating leaving?

Sorry for all of the questions which you don’t have to answer publicly!

This doesn’t apply to relationships where abuse exists, but I think if you have tried counselling, better communication, going away on holiday together, and you have really given it your best shot, and you are prepared to take an initial hit on your income, then it’s probably better that you split but it’s easier if you have tried everything first?

Thanks so much for replying!

To be honest he was never really my physical type though I was very attracted to him in the early years, but I think that wore off a while ago. He has put a fair amount of weight on but I feel awful about making that an issue. Sex between us has always been purely physical rather than about emotional connection and I wonder if that's part of the issue.

I haven't spoken to him about how I feel - he's not the easiest to talk to and our relationship was quite tempestuous in the early days. I suppose in a way I worry that broaching it would inevitably lead to splitting up so I feel like I need to be willing for that to happen before I do.

I'm sure you're right that I need to bring him in to how I'm feeling to figure out the next step but I'm worried that what I'm feeling isn't valid enough to rock the boat!

I feel like there’s lots of veins of thought to this. I am dubious in my own marriage at times.

• marriages go through peaks and troughs
• the grass isn’t always greener
• it is better to talk to your partner about weight (from a healthy body POV) than get divorced without ever having mentioned how it’s impacted you
• marriages isnt always fireworks and happiness but there does need to be some good times in ratio to mundane times. Do you have highs as a family?
• can you imagine yourself in another relationship. Do you fantasise about leaving him for someone else?
• maybe you leave and never have another relationship how would you feel?
• does your best friends or friends think you are good together and you are happy?

just some thoughts I have

Life is too short. I'd leave.

If you don't love him & are no longer attracted to him, that says it all.

2nd option - stay, try & tolerate him, enjoy a "nice,comfortable (yet safe) life" but have an affair with someone you do fancy.

If you don't love him it's not fair to play pretend ,it's also not fair on you . You need to be honest with him .It may be hard in the beginning but you'll be happier too ..Please don't let the yrs roll on and still be in the same position in 10 yrs ... I found out my husband was having a long term affair and lately found out it wasn't his first one , obviously he wasn't in love with me and has wasted the best years of my life and that's a hard pill for me to swallow.

Just going to pop an alternative perspective in...

A lot of people would give their right arm for what you have and your children are extremely lucky to have the comfort and security you and your DH provide.

Your relationship sounds imperfect, but certainly not unbearable. It doesn't take long in the relationship section here to see many women are putting up with far worse. Or struggling on a single income with zero support (childcare or financial) from their ex.

Separation and divorce are harrowing. Really really harrowing. Far worse than you can imagine. And it takes years to get over and rebuild a life and regain equilibrium. Multiply the impact many times for your children who will likely be damaged by it for the rest of their lives.

The alternative- staying together and making it work is far preferable. Only if you can make it work obviously, but it certainly is worth a bloody good try before you leave. Some really top quality counselling and sex therapy will be a lot cheaper than an acrimonious divorce. And even if attempts don't work, you'll have a mutually agreed way out which makes separation a lot easier.

Have you talked to him about trying to make things better? If he made an effort would that help? If my DH had made even the smallest effort, I'd have been so much keener. Like you, everything else was v. good - not worth tipping the boat.

Playing along is not fair on either of you. I know because I did it. Start letting him know now that you need changes. Be blunt so there's no confusion. It's frustrating that a spouse needs a road map - they should be on your wavelength - but at least you'll know you've tried.

I tried making things better with my DH but, ultimately, he wasn't interested. He'd listen to me implore, wait for me to run out of steam and fall asleep. He could not process, much less act on, the idea that we needed to make fun times to fancy each other. I used to try to plan or get him to plan fun times - weekends away or a few days child-free in holidays - and those could be fun. But he wouldn't make the effort to plan them himself. In the end, we'd go away but he just couldn't bring himself to act like he fancied me, yet he was annoyed that I wasn't keen to shag...

Leaving is an option, this would cause impact to your dc's and dh.

Try talking to him first.

Thank you everyone, it's really good to get different perspectives on this.

I will talk to him, I think I just needed to hear that it's ok to potentially blow things up based on what I'm feeling.

I guess I'm also not sure how to frame that conversation - it feels very cruel to say I'm not attracted to him anymore?

I don't think it's cruel at all. I went through a phase of not being attracted to my husband. He had gained weight and was grumpy, similar to yours. I told him he needed to act on both problems. He lost weight and got fit and got treatment for depression and my attraction to him eventually returned. I never pushed myself to have sex when I didn't want to, though. I think you should stop that entirely or you really will turn yourself off him permanently. It's concerning that you say he's not easy to talk to as well- are you walking on eggshells? That's not a good sign. A good couple therapist might be able to help you have the difficult conversations if he's not receptive

Is the lack of attraction the cause or a symptom ?

Would you / he consider couples therapy, if it’s easier to talk in front of a neural person? It sounds like your family life is good, I’d personally want to try to make improvements before jumping ship.

I never pushed myself to have sex when I didn't want to, though. I think you should stop that entirely or you really will turn yourself off him permanently

I agree, especially as you dread it and find it upsetting. No one should be putting herself through that. Tell him you have to stop for the moment, until things are better between you. It's not cruel - it's actually more cruel to him to be hiding this, because it's so extremely dishonest.

Don't talk to him yet.... the reason you feel like this is because work and kids have changed you both, that and age. Is there anything you can do to spend time together just the 2 of you. You sound like you could even afford to employ a child minder registered of course, to go off for a night a month or a couple of days? I apologise if I'm wrong on that, if I am can family help? You've lost sight of what attracted you to him. You've said it wasn't physical so it must have been personality?

Maybe that's not who he is anymore and it really is over but only by spending time alone away from kids and Jobs can you test that theory.

If after doing that you feel the same then talk to him I would say

We argued a lot early on (we got together young, 19 and 20) but over the years I guess it's stopped seeming worth it. He's not nasty but has a way of making me feel unreasonable and a bit silly.

I think you might be right that the emotional connection has always been lacking, there hasn't ever been romance and it would seem awkward for example for him to compliment me. That's not to say there haven't been lots of good times but those have been more on the level of friends.

Clearly I need to talk to him but I just find the idea awful! Difficult conversations are a big part of my job but this terrifies me!

Clearly I need to talk to him but I just find the idea awful! Difficult conversations are a big part of my job but this terrifies me!

Couples communication is the no1 biggest relationship problem. The second biggest is men. They're hard work, selfish, lazy, totally lacking in self awareness and expect to receive far more than they give. So you are right to be terrified as talking is not something men do well or respond well to - unless it's about themselves or is clearly going to result in a gain for them. So you need to work out how to sell this to him, rather than give him an ultimatum. But have your own interests at the forefront of your mind. Basically start thinking like a man!

I'm in the same position but I'm 54. I told him it was over about 6 months ago, I was at the end of my tether with him. There was no-one else, I just didn't want to be with him anymore. It shocked him into making an effort to keep me. He's lost weight and getting fit trying really hard to engage with me and the kids and not be grumpy. I still don't fancy him yet but he's getting there. We have 3 kids all still at home and they wanted us to stay together so I'm trying it atm for them really.

I honestly think all marriages go through this and if in general your marriage is stable and both of you are putting in roughly 50% of the effort then it’s worth trying to save.

The sex being just physical and not emotional is problematic though, as it becomes cold like that, so it would be worth considering how you can form a deeper emotional / physical connection.

Counselling may well help, you might find all this is just a phase.

Sorry but how is this something all marriages go through? Finding sex with them upsetting? The spouse making you feel silly and unreasonable? Surely these are not things you should have to endure in a marriage?!!

He's grumpy, difficult to talk to and he makes you feel silly and unreasonable. You gave up trying to get him to understand where you were coming from as the conflicts never got resolved. Sounds kind of like a crap way to live.

Can you hold out for a while and improve your work situation so you can afford 2 houses in the same area?