High earning women - how do you feel about your DP being in very different financial circumstances?

[ChargeableHour]

Just interested to hear others experiences.

I earn well and feel like I want to not be the one with cash but occasionally be treated by someone else. My marriage is ending and I meet people I like but none so far who have my income. (It’s not a crazy high income either - I just don’t seem to attract guys that earn much).

How does other women deal with this?

I NEVer managed to attract a high earner after my divorce either.

Everyone who ever asked me out just wanted a nurse with a purse.

I'm still single!

I don't mind earning & paying more as long as they do their best to contribute in some ways and don't start either acting entitled to my money, or threatened/ emasculated that they don't have as much...

Sadly, there have been a few who have suffered from at least one of those, even when they have good intentions - mostly that they have either felt it's "controlling" because I want to decide how I spend my own money, or that they feel bad/insecure in themselves because society has a certain amount of conditioning that "men must be the provider/have a big job/earn more/be financially successful".

Sometimes these are the same ones who have also been super caring/thoughtful in doing things like: finding me the particular small food treat I like but isn't easily available, being caring and attentive with things like getting coffees/giving massages/remembering something I said and acting on it.

So I think some of it is just deep societal conditioning, that will likely take a few more generations to grow out of.

The above assuming that they do work, just don't earn so well. If they're not working, and not trying hard to get back to having a decent job, even if it's not so well-paid, then no.
I mean, many very worthwhile and valuable careers don't earn so much, so the lower earning in itself isn't a problem. Attitudes might be.

Being a nurse would be a change from being the cash machine.

@WrylyAmused it is about attitude - but also about actual cash. Attitude can’t get them a plane ticket etc - do I?

generally I am mellow about all of this and like treating friends to stuff if I can but … I need to work out how I get the balance right

I recently ended up a LTR where I was the only one paying for holidays, home improvements, repairs, kids costs and car costs. I was ok with it for a long time but eventually I started feeling taken advantage off and grew tired with carrying the burden myself.

I am not planning to put myself in this situation again. I don’t need to be subsidised by someone else but I’d need them to be a partner and build and contribute with me.

So, for example, I once dated for several years, someone who taught meditation.

It was always clear he was not going to ever have the money to do any of the "big ticket" items I might like to do.
So, when we were deciding things, I was always factoring in "Do I want to do this, knowing I'll be paying for all of it?" vs "Do I want to do something cheaper that he'll be ok to contribute to?"

So, for example, we went to the theatre, on some city breaks, for various activities that I paid for, and we went on some lower budget holidays in the UK and abroad where he saved and paid his way at least on flights and hotels.

For me the key was never paying for anything I wasn't perfectly happy to - i.e. never getting in a situation where I resented money I'd spent, cos that's very corrosive to relationships.

Agree that balance is key, but it's unique for every person and interaction. And remember that just because you did pay for something in the past, doesn't mean you have to in future. Does need very clear communication and expectation setting though!

Personally I like the power it gives me knowing I can (and have, before we met) financed my life solo. I do end up paying upfront for expensive things a lot of the time but he pays me back and goes 50/50 on outgoings at his own insistence.

Also, as @duende says - it's different if you're planning on living with them and building that kind of future together.... Still possible, but definitely needs to be thought about before they move in and with the realistic not the romantic head on...

Nothing wrong with looking for a partner with a similar income level if it make practicalities easier. You may find that you have more luck with a paid matchmaker service or else doing it the old-fashioned way and meeting someone IRL through friends or activities. Very hard to screen for income on OLD without sounding like a gold digger.

Surely it's more about lifestyle preferences, than income? My lower income friends all travel, eat out etc much more than I do. I wouldn't even dream of treating them, or anybody else other than my immediate family.
When I dated lower earners we paid for more expensive experiences proportionately but it was rare, so not an issue. I did get presents, treats and other lovely surprises like a special meal!

If you're looking for a partner to do expensive things with then you have no choice but to date someone of equal financial standing.

I wouldnt have wanted to be with a man who wasn't my financial equal. I've seen money imbalance cause so many relationship issues. Despite the 'love conquers all' talk out there, its not for me. I don't want all the graft that goes with money imbalance and don't want it to be a necessary conversation either, so I stick with what's best for me personally

In a serious relationship it honestly wouldn't be in issue for me, and besides, circumstances change. I was very high earner when I met my now husband, he was (still is) self employed. Within 2 years I was made redundant and didn't work for near 11 months so at that time he was only earner. Fast forward a few years and I'm back at main earner...swings and roundabouts.