Recently I read a post where a woman bitterly complained about her MIL being a manipulative control freak for annually renting vacation properties large enough to accommodate extended family and offering a "hope you can all make it" open ended invitation and opportunity for the family to join in if it happens to work out. There is no manipulation here. Just a generous offer from someone who can afford to do this. In the DIL's rantings, she explained she feels pressured and "doesn't like hanging out with the extended family at all, anyway". No examples of the extended family being hatchet murderer's, perverts, addicts shooting up in front of children, etc. Just her personal dislike which made me ponder who this woman might really be and I thought she might be prone to domestic emotional violence acted out against her DH and even her children if she is using her MIL as an excuse to separate and alienate her husband from his family not only as a source of loving bonds but also as a source of support he might need down the road to help him cope with the domestic violence he is living with and potentially unable to escape. There appears to be other children in this extended family for her own children to get to know but I do not see any reference to what anyone might want but her..
Instead of seeing this as a generous offer and then sitting down with her partner to discuss what they want to do for their vacation, the DIL went on and on about herself not wanting to go and I imagine her partner has to deal with the fallout of not going along with her wishes. Fallout could include anger directed at him for wanting to spend time with his family which is emotional abuse. She also could berate him what she perceives to be his "not standing up to his mother" on her behalf which is bullying and further emotional abuse. She could withhold affection if he doesn't meet her needs and expectations, which is emotional manipulation. She could be ignoring his needs, wants and desires while pressuring him to meet her needs to have life go her way, which is emotional abuse and use of another human as a means to an end- very wrong on every level. She could be systematically destroying his ability to be around his side of the family by demanding they exclude themselves and picking fights, gossiping, complaining to him, seeing bad behavior towards her where there is no such intent in order to alienate him from his family and a source of support, another form of emotional abuse and often done by those with narcissistic personality disorder.
Women are not the only ones who suffer from domestic emotional violence. This form of violence can occur within same sex couples as well as mixed sex couples. The bottom line for the abuser is getting their own way by making it appear as though only they have their partners best interest at heart and everyone else is the enemy whether they know it or not. Such people go about the work of alienating a partner from family and friends through careful, steady manipulation which include complaints and criticism about others in the partner's life meant to make the partner start viewing those he loved differently. The end goal is to end up with an alienated partner with diminished self respect who is dependent, emotionally, financially or both.
People who are manipulative go on this and other forums in hope of validating their behavior and often succeed because for every human who would not be manipulative of their partner, there is one who is and needs to validate their own behavior. The internet is a never ending source of validation but there is nothing arbitrary about what domestic emotional violence is. It includes manipulation of others for the purpose of controlling them to meet one's own needs. Any time you ask another adult person in a relationship to speak on your behalf to an in-law, whether a MIL, SIL or FIL, SIL. etc. you are manipulating your partner to do the work you should do and you are doing this to create painful drama. When two adults partner they do not ask the other to give up relationships or speak on behalf of the other unless it is something along the lines of "Hey, next time your sister calls, if I'm not here, give her my love".
A mature, non manipulative human will go speak respectfully with an inlaw they have an issue with. They will explain their perspective and politely asked if it is on target or whether they are reading too much into it. if their In-law are from a different culture and there are grave difference in how life is done, they will speak with that person or maybe the entire family and discuss differences an how to have an inclusive extended family relationship that is mindful of the other's culture even if they don't perform to the expectations. in other words, a non manipulative human will maturely, and without injecting blame, shame, victimhood and it's all about "Me, Me" drama, have conversations when extended relationship dynamics occur. They will also recognize that it takes time to work out solutions to some of the issues extended families face when trying to bring everyone together for the purpose of inclusion and being able to see beloved family members who they may have spent significant time with prior to partnering and whom they dearly and sorely miss. A mature human recognizes that extended family misses their beloved and has compassion for everyone who has to miss a family member and that is because the mature have genuine empathy.
The mature don't have a hissy fit when the grandchildren go on vacation with the other grandparents and their DIL or SIL. Rather they think it is a wonderful opportunity for the family to spend time together on a more personal level, understanding that sometimes larger gatherings don't offer that level of personal time. Those mature grandparents only 'want to hear all about it' when the family gets back. The mature partner does not ask their partner to lessen contact or avoid it with their own parents. The exception to that would be if the parents want to deal drugs to any grandchildren (you get where I am going with that as an example). The mature DIL or SIL doesn't find the MIL wanting to undermine her and doesn't look for that under every tone of voice, gift given or even way things are said. Most MIL come from different generations and their style of communication reflects how they were taught. The mature work towards creating enlarged extended families that are wonderfully blessed by everyone being civil and having fun together while in each other's company and finding common ground to do so. The mature are not looking for drama to justify "Me, Me, first needs" and justify alienation. Emotionally abusive people will use any reason, any excuse, any personal interpretation of a behavior as a reason to not participate and point out to partner how awful others are.
The mature knows that relationships involve giving and taking and apply that to In-law relationships as well. The mature understand solid friendships take time to develop and ask that we see the best in others first so that we can learn who they are and understand them better. The mature take into account that their partners family does not include the comfort of familiarity and therefor will feel different. They get that and don't se it as a negative, just as different. In other words, the mature are willing and able to blend families using love, empathy and compassion as guidance in doing so. The immature will do the opposite and alienate to control outcomes in their favor which is to dominate another human to have their needs met.