If you found out your husband was consistently unfaithful....

[yawnanotherone]

How did you cope? I've been with STBXH for 29 years, married for 19. I found out over the course of the past few weeks that he has probably never been faithful to me for all that time.

I'm wondering if this is what an existential crisis is! Every memory, event in all that time now seems like it doesn't exist, I don't know who he was, who I am. it's really destabilising.

I am seeing a counsellor but I would so love to hear from anyone else who has been through this - what helped (I am assuming time is a big one)?

Yeah, this happened to me as well. I'm sorry you are going through it. I was with him for 20 years and I think he cheated the whole time. He tried to get it on with all of my friends, my sister also. He actually did sleep with my very best friend, so I lost her as well. They both denied it, but he got drunk one night and passed out, so I looked on his phone, and found all the texts between them, talking about the sex they had had. Took me 4 years to leave him.

What helped me was meeting my second husband, who is the salt of the earth and has restored my faith in men. I was very distrustful of him in the beginning, but over the last 16 years he has never put a foot wrong, and I honestly feel fixed and whole again.

Good luck to you and well done for getting out. Onwards and upwards now.

My god what a vile creature - everyone I know seems shocked about my ex so I don't think I know the women. But who knows this is certainly the gift that keeps giving. Thanks for your kind words though, I do feel like I have dodged a bullet

Yes. It happened to me too. We were married 19 years.

I always wondered why his work colleagues were so unfriendly to me. Turns out he had had a few relationships there. One even told me she was his work wife and then was very hostile to me. I was so naive and trusting.

Another colleague told me to "be careful and watch him" when we'd been married 10 years.

And then he was just shagging other women - at least three others. During his affairs, he was so utterly vile and toxic towards me. I was stunned much of these periods. Culminating in him assaulting me. And of course none of it is his fault at all.

He's disgusting. And I still have flashbacks to his awful aggression and screaming hysterics over nothing. Generating arguments over nothing.

He's moved on twice now. I do wonder if I should let his gfs know what a violent, adulterous skank he really is but as if they would believe me and I guess it's not my place.

I don't think I will ever get over it and trust anyone ever again. I think I will be single forever.

So sorry @BlastedPimples, god these men are the lowest. Looking back there are periods too where ex was dismissive and distracted and generally unpleasant to be around. I am sure now they all coincided with affairs - two occasions he has admitted to.

For your ex to be violent too is beyond. I'm glad you're free of him

Hi, my partner just had the one affair but I found out when it had been over a few years
my relative found out about variety of cheating over extended period of time. So I have direct and indirect experience

we are both still together with partners so again experience is different

yes, memories do feel tainted at first. But that lessens with time
we were both lucky that our partners were very present during their misbehaviour and again we stayed…so different dynamic

very much something counselling will help with.
things are never black and white, all those events were real, and your part in them was very real too. Your experiences are your own. Perhaps during those experiences he was present too. My relatives husband really compartmentalised his bad behaviour, as did my partner. I think it’s really common

i really hope you can work with reclaiming past events and memories as your own OP and it’s great you are seeking professional support as well as shared experience others have had x

Sorry this has happened to you OP. It's the feeling that everything you thought was real was a lie. Like suddenly realising you've been in the Truman Show.

Did he really enjoy that holiday or that lovely meal we had that time. What was he thinking when we had sex? All of those emotions and more. No advice but just to say I know.

And yes, op, time is a big one in terms of dealing with it.

And never ever letting down your guard with him ever again. Icily polite and grey rocking.

Make sure you look after yourself. Indulge yourself. It's your time now for you. And only you.

It is a terrible feeling, this sense of waste, and it's really important you don't lose any more time invested in this creature.

So sorry it's happened to you. Some people are incredible with their level of deceit and cruelty.

I am sorry you are going through this. Things that helped me
-Time & therapy
-Meditation and yoga as it keeps you in the present

• Sitting with uncertainty (it takes practice but shutting down thoughts you do not know the answer too helps a lot)
• accepting I wouldn't ever know the full truth and accepting that no matter how scary the future looked I deserved better than to be stabbed in the back
• nature walks really calmed me down when I was spiraling

There are lots more but you will find what works for you

Time, counselling and a website called Chump Lady.

I'm so sorry OP.

Thanks everyone, I do know bits and pieces about his behaviour and it is probably enough. Any more and it might tip me over. it seems he had a pattern of basically grooming much younger women at work talking to them about their mental health, family problems, work stuff then lo and behold, full blown affair. I know of 2, I am sure there are more (or at least more attempts). I don't talk to him about any of it, despite the fact he is still living under the same roof - I am working on getting him out. I imagine moving on will be much easier once he is gone.

Had a lovely walk by the river last night and a better sleep - I can see how all the advice above will work - so thank you again

Time is a great healer Op. I had to see my Ex recently at a family affair. We have zero communication because (get this) he won't speak to me! The audacity I had to leave him! It's bizarre. Anyway, first time I'd seen him in years. Me and DH looked fabulous. He look old and haggard and his partner looked miserable. It felt like a win. Even though I don't really give a shit.

Don't be afraid to date again. Not all men are like your Ex. How are you fixed for moving on, getting a new place etc? How old are you now? What does your future look like?

Ah he played the shoulder to cry on, the knight galloping to the distressed damsel's rescue. Such a cliché. They never help out men in their distress, do they?

Very very hard to live under the same roof knowing all this.

I hope you get him out really soon. You'll feel great relief.

I'm sorry you are going through it. It happened to me too and it’s just horrible. I was with my STBXH for 16 years and married for 13 of those to the exact day we split. We have 2 DS 10 & 7. He cheated right from the very beginning. He’s a reserve in the forces and went away to work for 6 months last year and basically ended it a week in saying we’d had a conversation about it before we left but we hadn’t. I know something was going on instantly and found stuff on his laptop. There was evidence of emotional affairs, full blown sexual affairs, swinging and my intuition was spot on, he’d started an affair just before he left. I’m positive this girl has no idea that we were still together when he met her. He returned from work in November and I confronted him with it and his excuse was yeah his needs weren’t being met. It’s been a year since we split and I’m definitely in a much better place. I’m learning my worth and I have started the proceedings to get divorced, if only he would reply to my Solicitor.

You’re better off without a pos like that.