Marriage is lonely

3xchaos · 2024-05-12T21:31:57+00:00

Anyone else feel so lonely in their marriage sometimes. Yes we have 3 young children. But I just feel zero emotional connection we've been together 9 years. I just feel so deeply lonely with him 😔. He's a good dad and a good husband and we don't have any financial issues. But we just don't share anything on an emotional level . And if I do he looks like he can't be bothered listening to me he doesn't comment on anything. He Doesn't ask me about anything. I had a baby last December. It went horribly wrong and I ended up in intensive care with sepsis. I feel like I've got out of that hospital bed and straight back into mum duties with my other 2 nothing said or mentioned about it. No support emotionally. My mum has terminal cancer and is not doing well ATM . If I bring her up he just looks straight past me like he's in a day dream he just can't be bothered to listen to me.

cestlavielife · 12/05/2024 22:37

5 months ago his wife and kids mother nearly died of sepsis...he also suffered. Ptsd? Numb? Go with him to talk to someone about what happened .
You both need support to process what happened....
Unless it was like this before? If this is since december get some therapy both of you
If it has always been this way then consider your options

Wheretogon · 12/05/2024 22:39

Same here, very lonely but I’m so used to it now it doesn’t really bother me anymore ( sad I know).
I would say marriage isn’t lonely it’s just lonely with the wrong person.
I'm really sorry about your mum, do you have someone else to talk to about what’s going on?

DistinguishedSocialCommentator · 12/05/2024 22:40

OP#
Have you told him how you feel in no uncertain terms and what you expect from you OH?

Iggityziggety · 12/05/2024 22:43

I was in a relationship like this and I ended up leaving. There was just nothing left that wasn't totally superficial and I was so lonely and unhappy. This mainly came about after we had a child, he just couldn't be arsed with me any more, didn't want to talk to me, or listen, or engage with me really. I was just there to do the child stuff, plan the food shop, clean the bathroom etc.
I'm not sure he is a good husband and dad if he treats you like this, sounds like he's checked out and basically emotionally abandoned you. It's better to be on your own than in a relationship with someone who makes you feel that lonely.

SpringKitten · 12/05/2024 22:54

I’m so sorry about your mum OP. I was pregnant with my dc1 when my dad had cancer so I know how hard it is to keep the “happy mum face” and hold it all together, whilst caring for infants/small kids and struggling with anticipatory grief/ bereavement. I was an absolute mess of hormones and I was distraught about my dad’s death. My dh had absolutely no idea how to help me, so he withdrew. I think my emotional overload somehow prompted him to counter with total numbness. Within a year he had completely forgotten the details around my dad’s death - he missed the first anniversary date (he said he thought it had been three months earlier and that I’d just decided not to make a fuss about it).

I’m afraid no one can wave a magic wand for you. I found it the hardest to be with my dh when my kids were tiny; I really needed some help, some emotional support but it is the last thing my dh is good for. He even said to me at one point, “I can’t be your best friend.” I was gutted because that’s exactly what I wanted.

I had to change my expectations, or leave the marriage (which I came close to doing several times). That has been hard to do, but 15 years later we are still together and I enjoy my kids’ company and that of my friends immensely and I cohabit with my dh amicably and we enjoy holidays and meals out. I am sad we don’t have an emotional connection, but kind of glad I have managed to find my own satisfaction in life, and carved out space for myself

I would honestly advise finding a counsellor. I know it’s expensive but having an outlet for your feelings to an adult is important. Also do not neglect your female friends even if you can’t talk to them about this, having a network of women around you is helpful. Make sure your dp babysits sometimes and you go out for an evening without him or the kids.

And finally I would say try to observe how he does express his love. Maybe there are small actions that show you he cares and you need to really appreciate those, and try to worry less about his other shortcomings.

Original poster

3xchaos · 12/05/2024 23:24

SpringKitten · 12/05/2024 22:54

I’m so sorry about your mum OP. I was pregnant with my dc1 when my dad had cancer so I know how hard it is to keep the “happy mum face” and hold it all together, whilst caring for infants/small kids and struggling with anticipatory grief/ bereavement. I was an absolute mess of hormones and I was distraught about my dad’s death. My dh had absolutely no idea how to help me, so he withdrew. I think my emotional overload somehow prompted him to counter with total numbness. Within a year he had completely forgotten the details around my dad’s death - he missed the first anniversary date (he said he thought it had been three months earlier and that I’d just decided not to make a fuss about it).

I’m afraid no one can wave a magic wand for you. I found it the hardest to be with my dh when my kids were tiny; I really needed some help, some emotional support but it is the last thing my dh is good for. He even said to me at one point, “I can’t be your best friend.” I was gutted because that’s exactly what I wanted.

I had to change my expectations, or leave the marriage (which I came close to doing several times). That has been hard to do, but 15 years later we are still together and I enjoy my kids’ company and that of my friends immensely and I cohabit with my dh amicably and we enjoy holidays and meals out. I am sad we don’t have an emotional connection, but kind of glad I have managed to find my own satisfaction in life, and carved out space for myself

I would honestly advise finding a counsellor. I know it’s expensive but having an outlet for your feelings to an adult is important. Also do not neglect your female friends even if you can’t talk to them about this, having a network of women around you is helpful. Make sure your dp babysits sometimes and you go out for an evening without him or the kids.

And finally I would say try to observe how he does express his love. Maybe there are small actions that show you he cares and you need to really appreciate those, and try to worry less about his other shortcomings.

This is exactly me! I could have written this.
I want so badly to get his emotional support but he's just not built for it.
He likes to fix things and he can't fix emotions and because of that he gets agitated by it.
I have to find comfort from other sources.
I just wish at this time he could be there for me .

OP posts:

SpringKitten · 15/08/2024 04:21

hi @3xchaos i don’t know if you’re still around but I wondered how things are going, and how your mum is. I read a lot of mumsnet posts but I remembered yours and thought I’d check in. I hope you are holding on and staying strong. I’m not hopeful that your dh has stepped up with any emotional support but I hope you have found a path through it without feeling too hurt and abandoned.