red flags or no?

[ukseamaiden]

I (F39) have been dating (M54) for nearly 6 months. No red flags until I met his ex at a family get together. We got chatting and she mentioned that I was probably being very spoiled by my boyfriend and he was always buying things for her/taking her for meals/taking her on holiday etc. She also said that he was really depressed when they split up and kept trying to get her back for a long time. I didn't say anything but it got me thinking. It's not that I want stuff buying for me particularly but it's clear he is treating me differently as he hasn't brought me anything, not even a bunch of flowers. If we go for meals it's 50/50 or a drive in the car I pay half the petrol. He said he didn't believe in marriage but was engaged to the ex. I like the guy quite a lot but at times, I feel that the relationship is a bit boring and that he isn't massively into me. It's lacking any real passion and chemistry even though I have tried to connect with him. Am I fighting a losing battle? He's not a bad person but I don't feel special. The ex girlfriend seemed lovely and not a troublemaker and she's engaged and having a baby with someone else. What do you all think?

Sounds like she's shit stirring to me. If you're happy as you are in your relationship that's fine. If you need gifts as proof of love then maybe talk to him about love languages. I would personally not let the ex get in your head. Just because she's moved on doesn't mean she still doesn't want him to want her and want to show you he's still hers on some level. It's all mind games.

Definitely talk to him if you're not happy with bits of the relationship but separate that from her. They are two different things.

Ask him about it. It’s conceivable he did those things with her because he felt he had to, and it wasn’t his natural way. Or she’s shit stirring etc. but asking him is the best way to find out.

He's not a bad person but I don't feel special.

That's your answer. It's dead in the water. His relationship with his ex is irrelevant.

Also, do you really want to be in a relationship with a man so much older than you are? You're heading into the best years of your life, and he may be slowing down already. Do you want children?

Actually I totally get it op. I pulled dp when I got minimal gifts our first Valentine's day when I knew his ex had designer bags and jewelry! Not in so many words but mentally that was the jist!! His ex was materialistic and he knew our relationship wasn't based on gifts... Actually the gifts on reflection matched our kind and thoughtful relationship..
Any respect for her went out the window when he caught her shagging his mate... In dp's house.. Not a red flag ime.

I have a son already and no desire to have anymore children and I'm nearly 40. To be honest, age is irrelavant to me as if they are the right one it dosen't matter but I don't think he is the right one.

sounds like you are the rebound or placeholder

also you need to teach them how you like to be treated

He makes you pay 50/50 petrol 😬

Run OP.

And he's 54 he is looking for a free future carer.

Run away.

I like the guy quite a lot but at times, I feel that the relationship is a bit boring and that he isn't massively into me. It's lacking any real passion and chemistry even though I have tried to connect with him. Am I fighting a losing battle? He's not a bad person but I don't feel special.

If you feel like that, I don't see why you'd continue seeing him. It's unlikely connection, passion and chemistry are going to kick in after six months.

but at times, I feel that the relationship is a bit boring and that he isn't massively into me
Never mind the ex, what you said there shows you know the answer. He’s a lot older than you and for the relationship to work, it needs to be really special, and that’s what it isn’t.

I honesty don't think she was, we were talking for about 20 minutes and she left my boyfriend. She seemed a very mature person.

Great minds think alike @category12 😄

He's 54 and a very fit tennis player with no health issues. Silly comment. 54 is hardly old if you look after yourself.

I wouldn't expect a friend to pay me petrol money if we went out for a drive together, let alone someone I was dating. You say yourself there's no passion, chemistry or connection so ask yourself why you're flogging this dead horse?

So many red flags

Big age gap, you have easily and quickly been made to feel insecure, you’ve not noticed that their relationship isn’t a model to follow, she’s clearly shit stirring, why is she still so bothered about him? Why didn’t he warn you about her? And why is she at family gatherings, and around you and him, when she’s clearly still emotionally invested enough to try and cause problems. You’re saying she wasnt shit stirring, if I talked to my ex’s new gf for 6 hours I wouldn’t bring up what he was like with me, nevermind in the first 20mins of meeting her because it’s weird and rude and irrelevant. You feel bored and like he’s not that into you. There’s no passion and chemistry and it sounds like a pattern that he only dates younger women.
there couldnt be that many more red flags really

He also seems to have a habit of dating much younger women if his ex is just having a baby. That’s a major red flag to me on its own

If you didn't get the impression she was shit stirring she probably wasn't. It was a bit impertinent to compare your ex relationship with a new partner but you were there and didn't get the impression she was trouble making so don't write your feelings off.

To me this relationship sounds a bit placeholdy, gifts or no. You say you find it lacking yourself and whilst I'm all for equality etc, it sounds a bit joyless with the splitting hairs over petrol. Surely if you take the same approach to finances it evens out in the end without being forensic every date.

No, 54 isn't old but 15 years is a substantial gap and for me the person would have to be pretty special for me to accommodate it. It's not a silly comment. Ill health and changing priorities etc can happen at any time (I can tell you) but I wouldn't just want to drift along with someone considerably older. it would need to be driven by a strong connection. Probably more so than someone my own age.

However, if you're not feeling passion or chemistry 6 months in I would be guided by that not what he bought his ex. If you had a wonderful connection and he showed that in ways other than generosity, fine, but the whole thing sounds a bit lacklustre and this has just shown you that your impressions may be correct. I'd pay attention.

I'd expect 50/50 but I'm a bit aghast at the petrol money for a drive.

Who'd bother taking a fiver for petrol.

Was that your idea or his?