Need advice on my Mum

[Lennied]

My Mum has always been unreliable and I have learnt not to depend on her. All my siblings and I had a difficult childhood and have at various times had strained relations with my Mum. DF died when I was younger, DM replaced him before the funeral. DM is estranged from various members of the family including my siblings because of her irrational behaviour. She lets me down so often but never sees anything wrong with her behaviour. We have all had counselling about what happened when we were little but I am finding it hard to cope with a mother who doesn't take an interest in my life. I need to move on now and deal with my own family rather than her, but I can't seem to let go of the image I have of what I think she should be. I have had enough now after the latest incident. Is it time to wash my hands of her and just keep up polite contact or should I carry on being her doormat? Anyone out there with a hopeless mother, how do you deal with her and keep your sanity?

Why do you feel you have to continue to have a relationship with someone who brings nothing to your life but misery, just because an accident of birth means you share a high percentage of genes?

Honestly, if someone is so awful, you say goodbye and there's no need to feel guilty.

I have one of these too.
It's a rollercoaster.
I keep sane by living a long way from her. I am too busy with my children to be parenting her too, so for now she has to just be her own lookout. (I hear on the grapevine that she is being taken advantage of financially and royally fucking up) It's harsh, but my DH and kids come first. They are my family.
When I have the energy I call, one day i'll visit, but not at the expense of time and money i could be spending with my own family.
She is ill (mentally and physically) so sometimes it's easier to forgive if that is to blame. but she's not always been ill, and she behaved very badly for much longer.

I'm keen to talk to other mum's on how to cope when your own mother is just too much, so would love to chat. but right now, i have to go out.

Agree with hecate.

There comes a time when I think you have to ask yourself, If she wasn't related to me in anyway would she be a friend of mine? If the answer is no then I think its time to cut ties.

Sorry you're going through this though, its painful I know.

Chin up LennieD.
Our parents are not our responsibility.
We wouldn't expect our children to sacrifice their own lives for ours.

The image of what you think she should be?
She's not that person. It's bad luck, but she will not change.

Oh God Lennied. I have a complete loser of a mother and know exactly how you feel.
Funnily enough I was thinking of posting about her because shes coming to stay on Tues for the first time in nearly 2 years and I'm absolutely dreading it.
The way I've decided to deal with this is really detach myself emotionally as best I can. Whenever I let her in and she plays her "best mum in the world" card I always end up being shat upon so I am trying to see this visit as an irritating aunt who needs to see the children but then will be going home again.
My mum left me and my brother when I was 9 and she occasionally trys to make up for this by being a loving grandma and a suffocatingly overpowering mother figure but it just doesn't wash anymore.
Hecate is right-she is just an accident of birth to whom you owe fuck all. There is no such thing as a "perfect" mother and anyone who does have that kind of close bond with theirs is incredibly lucky. Nothing to do with blood-just that they are two people who get on iyswim???
You're right. Your own family take priority now and for that veru reason you really don't need her.

A rollercoaster would be the best description for it DB. My DM is ill too... not physically, yet. She was also awful before she was ill, but it is easier to blame the illness. I try to do everything I can to make sure I don't put my family through what she has with hers, and they definately come first, but makes me so sad to think she doesn't care.

Thanks spook, I think that is the approach I need. Treat her like an aunt, rather than a mother.

I feel like it is worse than if I didn't have her at all.

Try reparenting yourself - go back to an incident in your childhood when you felt unhappy or unloved, then pick up your little-girl-self in a big bear hug and carry her away from the lady whose attention she wants more than anything, but just can't seem to get, and be kind to the little girl as she deserved back then.
This sounds a bit bombed-out but I found it worked for me (strange but true).