How do your kids cope with missing out on things when they're with non resident parent?

[FlyingFleetwood]

DD is 6. She's a happy and popular little girl with lots of school friends and after school clubs. Every weekend is full to the brim with ferrying around and we also make time to have mummy and daughter days as well as down time at home. She has a very structured life and routine and is happy.

She has started staying over at her father's every other weekend. Her father is an abuser. He abused her as well as me but she wasn't old enough to recall. We're at the end of a family court battle and he will have her every other weekend and half the holidays. He does plan nice activities with her such as the Zoo and soft play and swimming and by all accounts I know she has fun with him. However, he knows very little people who have children and has very little family so it is a lot of 1:1 time. DD has no friends there with him.

DD has been invited to many things which she sadly had to miss because it's her father's weekend. There is very little communication between us because of the abuse. I have suggested at times he does take her to these occasions such as parties or days out with her friends but naturally he feels uncomfortable to as they are my friends who think very little of him. Also, he sees it as interfering with his contact time. There have been occasions she's had drama shows or competitions on his weekends but the start of it is with my time with her so i ask him to come, he sees it as I shouldn't be there! I've told him wherever an event falls on his weekend or my weekend I'll be there and it's up to him if he wants to be.

Some of this I do get but it is now starting to impact DD. She doesn't want to go. She tells him she doesn't want to be there and she tells me. I try not to allude to the fact she's missing events etc but it's difficult when she brings a party invitation home and I know it's his weekend. Or her friend has invited her somewhere and she tells me.

The latest thing is a planned trip to the seaside with a large group of her friends going by coach with parents. It sadly falls on his weekend. She was so excited to go but when I mentioned she's seeing her dad instead and no doubt he'll have something fun planned she just cried and cried.

I'm not sure how to make it better. Her dad is very isolated and doesn't have a large support network. She does enjoy the time with him but she's told me she doesn't want to stay over and only see him in the day.

Its sadly all court ordered and there's nothing I can do but I just want to make it better for her.

Any tips would help.

Is there no way of changing it around for big things like this trip? Do the circumstances mean that’s it’s not possible to swap weekends or anything like that?
Does her father understand how sad she is and that his inability to take her to things like this is already having a negative impact on their relationship?

Her Dad needs to make sure he does take her to most of the events.

I had this out with my XP in mediation and the officer said that as he was local he needed to make sure the dc's did a still go to activities and parties. (He never saw them again).

It makes me so angry that the non-resident parent makes their child lose out. Courts should lay down the law on this.

If he abused her why the hell are the courts allowing him to have her? Truly shocking!

His weekends he gets to decide what they do

If they do all the activities that you say

It's basically you dictating what he does with her on his weekends

This is the thing with divorce no one gets everything,

I would just plan your weekends and let him plan his

And it will be what it will be

Sounds like he is doing fun things with her so no reason to get wound up about it

If one of mine has a party/event the day they see their dad, he takes them to it!

It's not about him or me, we're just the transport in these circumstances, it's about the child and their social life.

I do hate that because he sees them so little and doesn't involve himself I have to make sure they tell him they have a party/match/school event or whatever - he should be involving himself and sorting it out - but at least he does take them so they don't miss out.

If he's not going to do that though, I don't know what you can do - my friend is in a similar situation, and she and her daughter are just waiting it out until the daughter is old enough to be listened to - she's missed brownie camps and birthday parties and all sorts - it's so upsetting and confusing for her because she loves her dad, but also wants to be able to go to brownie camp!

Sorry but if he abused her why on earth has he got unsupervised contact with her?!

Can't answer that question as to why he has unsupervised.. I think the court have seen that DD enjoyed the supervised contact so progressed. He's nothing but an abuser but I do have to respect he's the only dad she'll have. I have no plans to get into a relationship and introduce anyone to her. Even if I did. Her dad is her dad.

I just think its sad. I'm not dictating what he should do. I'm trying to involve him in parts of DDs life.

I don't want to get into the habit of swapping weekends etc. I just want to find a better way of managing the upset.

Would he swap days so that he had her 2 Sundays in a row instead, so that she could attend the bus trip? Could she tell him herself, that she wants to see him but this is a special trip that she has really been looking forward to?

If he abused her, he should not have contact, though I have heard the word abuse used for behaviour that isn't the best, I'm not saying that but falls considerably short of abuse as a way for a partner (usually the mum) to cut off the dad. Think about the situation and if it truly is abuse (physical, mental, neglect) then stop contact except through a contact centre with supervision.

As to what people do, ideally you swop weekends and/or he takes her depending on situation. The issue is that your relationship has completely broken down, could mediation help. None of us know the true situation so the fact my kids came and went as suited them is helpful.

Isn't helpful i meant to say! Unless you are willing to drop yourself I'm not sure what else can happen

sorry, cross post.

Having been there done that, if he won't swap days, then DD just has to accept it. XH would swap days when DD started primary, so that she could attend birthday parties, as I felt it was unfair for her to miss them just because he had left us.

There is no way of managing her upset sadly. All you can do is tell her that you know she is sad to miss out, but unfortunately the court have said this is what must happen and that you can't change it. You could plan a day out with friends instead.

Different scenario, but I spent years with an upset DD whose father wouldn't call her weekly, or see her regularly. She would message him herself and get an "I'm busy" reply and cry herself to sleep.

I spent years wishing I could do something to take her pain away, but you just can't :(

Unfortunately there is very little you can do. In my experience they grow up and end up resenting their df and have little to no contact as a result.
And to pp’s.. yes, the courts do frequently grant abusers contact, and by not following the order a resident parent runs the risk of losing the child altogether.

We have had this problem for a few years now. Dc were 9 and 6 when over night contact began. They are 11 and 14 now and mostly really resent going to their dads. He's never taken them to a single thing because it's 'his' time. Moaned constantly about any rare weekend swaps and expected 2 weekends back in return because otherwise he'd have to go 3 weeks without seeing them (despite the fact he'd get them 2 weeks in a row on the other side - that's didn't seem to sink in).

He's also never grasped the fact that the contact is supposed to be for the DC's benefit not his. DD 14 still goes to keep him happy as the guilt trip is massive but arranges to see friends etc from there - which again he complains about. He does nothing with them, mostly spends the day in bed and they are in their room but he's happy with that.

It's incredibly frustrating but the dc at least are at an age where they see it all and are able to speak up a bit and arrange their own time in a way they couldn't when younger . The other week he told them (as they had an important competition on his weekend which meant they went for one night not 2 - so they'd go to his an extra night the next weekend therefore he'd be seeing them 3 weekends in a row) that if they no longer had time for them then he'd just move away. Think he got a bit of a shock when they both shrugged and said 'ok'. They genuinely wouldn't care / he brings nothing to their life apart from taking them away for it for half of their free time. The thing is his weekends with them wouldn't need to be juggled (this doesn't happen often only if it's something really important) if he'd just be a parent and take them along himself instead of sitting up all night and spending the day rotting in bed.

OP there really isn't much you can do except comfort your child and try to make up for it as best you can unfortunately but know you have my sympathy because it's really tough to watch

IME, if something special fell on the other person's weekend, we switched weekends.

If it was a friend's birthday party, or hobby group, then whoever's weekend it was, dropped them off. But if it was a big event, we switched. It wasn't always straightforward (ex taking forever to agree to a switch when we needed to RSVP something could be frustrating) and it required give from both sides, but it settled and tended to work.

And ultimately, the person whose weekend it is, gets the final word.

Ofcourse if you're dealing with someone unreasonable, or who won't ever budge, or expects you to do all the compromising, then I can see this wouldn't work. I half expected it wouldn't work for us, but the ex saw it would benefit them to be flexible sometimes.

Errr, no. Sounds like he’s selfishly putting himself and his dubious “rights” above the wishes and best interest of his child. And of course it’s reframed as the mother being “controlling”. 🙄

OP, I hope he’d be up for swapping weekend or some such when this happens. I really really feel for you. The legal system in this country is absolute shit, his “rights” should have been taken away when he abused those rights

My ex is very passive aggressive so I definitely know what I am talking about and I mean this kindly. You can't expect to suggest ideas to an unreasonable person and if you knew the trip was not on your weekend just don't mention it to your DD in future. It's really rubbish for you both.

I agree with a poster upthread on swapping days - why not do two Saturdays with you, two Sundays with him.

Obviously what should happen is that he takes her. She has two parents, not one. If her dad prefers you don't attend as well when it's his weekend then OP I think you should do that to enable her social life. Your DD dad might be happy to take her out but not happy to see you there, as you've broken up.

If he refuses to take her to these things then swapping days seems like a second best solution.

I'm only talking about things like events such as performances or competitions where ordinarily both parents would go. I have no issue with him being at those events etc and it's not an option for me not to be there for DD. I'm not talking about being there for when he takes her to the zoo or soft play etc.

Can you get the CAO amended to take into account certain things like club activities?

My ex is very similar, refused everything on 'his time'