Leopards and spots

[Lifesuite]

Hypothetically speaking, let's say you'd been dating an apparently decent chap for a couple months. Early days of the honeymoon phase, chemistry, massively attracted to each other, everything going beautifully. If he were to be completely upfront with you about a period of morally bankrupt behaviour (the horizontal kind) in his far distant past, would this register as an early warning signal to bail? Or would you be able to overlook that chapter of his history and stay just as involved with him?

Thanks

Neither a signal to bail nor something to overlook.

It would register with me as information I need to bear in mind in my dealings with him, plus a piece of the puzzle of the picture I am building of the whole him, whilst also knowing that we are all complex and multifaceted individuals with a past.

I'd be in the bail camp these days, because I haven't previously, then got on the receiving end. When someone voluteers up a warning, it's good to heed it. If someone genuinely had turned over a new leaf, they'd not be mentioning it. That he has is not a great sign and gives 'player' vibes, so proceed with caution, don't get sucked in until you know he's worthy - or is it too late for that?

2 months in? BAIL
He is telling you who he is.

Him being upfront about it is, I think, a positive - he didn’t have to share that knowing what it might make you think or feel. Although woukd depend on how he discussed it - bragging / proud / not remorseful would be a red flag. Lots of people have things they did when younger that they now regret and it doesn’t have to define who they are now. I would be alert to anything in the relationship / his behaviour that indicates he hasn’t changed but wouldn’t bail.

There is no obvious motivation for telling you and that would bother me as most likely he is a bit proud of it. Most people don’t bring up stuff they feel real shame over as it is a horrible feeling. If he has genuinely moved on and changed his ways why would he rehash it with you? Did this behaviour result in children? That would be a reason to tell you.

Depends- you say far distant past - how old was he? Much younger/immature? How serious was the relationship he was in at the time? Has he had other successful relationships since without that issue?

If it was eg when he was a student and since then he's had several other relationships with no issue I'd say it's no big deal.

I know a lot of people who behaved badly in their past and grew up.

one question

do you have children?

if so, i wouldn’t care about any of the detail whatsoever. He wouldn’t see me for dust.

and if you don’t have children? ^^^ would still apply actually!

How long ago and what age was he?
We are different in middle age than we are as teens/early twenties 🤔

If he’s in his 40s and at 18-25 he cheated on his girlfriend then yes I would overlook it. Assuming he has had long term relationships successfully without cheating.

If he cheated on someone he choose willingly to marry. Nope, in fact I’d have left the date. Wouldn’t go near him. I have no desire to get emotionally involved in someone who cheated on a spouse. No man is special/hot/interesting enough to date if they cheated on their spouse.

I’ve been in this situation, although he didn’t tell me, his mum did after a few drinks. When I raised it with him he was honest about it, but also about the self-loathing that he felt because of his previous behaviour.

it was actually that that was very problematic- he hated himself, felt like he could never make up for the way he’d hurt people in the past, and was a chronic people pleaser. I felt like I was continuously suffering for his past mistakes, our short stints of time together often being sacrificed for his need to fulfil commitments he’d made to other people.

just an unintended consequence to be alert to, even if he is remorseful.

Doesn't it depend on what the revelation was?

Slept with lots of women and not wanted to pursue relationships with them all is very different to persuading them to be tied them up against their will and then leaving them whilst they were crying and begging him to let them go and being amused/turned on by that.

This^

Depends what it is and also was it something that would come out eventually or a secret you would never know. If I am close to someone I am happy to share the good, bad and ugly of my past.

If he was very young, has realised it was poor behaviour, dealt with any consequences AND learnt from it so that it is never repeated, then possibly OK. Don't overlook it though, be vigilant for any sign of it.

The exception to that would be consent and/or violence/aggression, in which case no. Without knowing details, morally bankrupt covers a wide range, people have different moral compasses.

Thanks to all who've taken time to reply. There was back in the day cheating with an older married colleague, which carried on under people's noses for over a year. No one knew but them. Snatched moments on the office carpet, grim stuff. All of this happened over two decades ago and came to light whilst chatting away one evening (bit too much wine perhaps lol). So really the question is can someone abandon their conscience so easily without ever repeating similar behaviours again?

@Lifesuite commonality, proximity, familiarity, opportunity, = workplace shag - why would he even mention it ?

stay vigilant OP

your last question is an unanswerable conundrum

Hmmm, after reading your update, I actually am on the fence but in a more positive way. Twenty years ago was a long time ago, and people don’t change as such, but they do mature emotionally and learn from negative experiences.

If this was a pattern of behaviour that he repeated, ie, further affairs, getting involved with married women etc then that would be me out. But a one off, two decades ago? I’d just store the information away in the manner it was intended.

the big question is…. was he is a relationship?

it’s a new relationship
this came up over a boozy nights
whats to say it didn’t happen repeatedly thereafter but he hasn’t told you?

Both of them were, yes.

Yeah, those are my thoughts exactly. Thanks

not a chance then

do you have children? did he at the time?

it’s dead in the water in that case op

Was he Married? Either of them have kids with their partner?

If he was 20 in a 3 month relationship it’s very different to married with 3 kids? Also what was his reason for doing it?

I do believe people change but it takes effort and I don’t believe most people do the work/want to change/think they need to change.
There is usually an excuse - often about what their primary relationship wasn’t giving them. (Forgetting they were pouring their time and effort into another person not their spouse).