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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Partner lying about alcohol

15 replies

SMC95 · 10/05/2024 21:23

I have been with my partner for 10 years. We are very happy together, in love and excited to build a future together with plans to get engaged soon. When drinking, he has always taken it too far. For the first few years of our relationship, we were in uni and it wasn’t a big deal. There was a period in uni where he went through a tough time and I discovered that he had been smoking weed daily for months in secret. We almost broke up. He started counselling and successfully stopped. We lived abroad together for two years. On two occasions he came home too drunk from events, but other than that we had no issues. We could share wine on the weekend etc. When we returned to our home country to pursue Masters we each moved in with our respective families to save money. A few months in, he got into a drunk fight. He admitted it to me, was more upset than I’ve ever seen and vowed to quit drinking and return to counselling. A year and half later, I discovered that for 8 months he had been drinking spirits in his bedroom in secret. He said it was because he was struggling with his Masters, and hated living at home with his parents again and couldn’t cope. We almost broke up, I felt so betrayed that he had hidden this from me and made such poor choices. After a month he said he had started anti-depressants and began seeing a new counsellor. I gave him another chance. For 9 months he did well, I thought everything was going well. He finished his Masters and got his own place. On one occasion, he slipped up and I caught him out. I wasn’t angry instead reminded him that he can come to me for support and urged him to reach out to his counsellor which he did. Then a few months later, I caught him drunk and he admitted he had stopped taking his anti depressants cold turkey as he had an issue with his prescription and thought he no longer needed them. He lied and pretended he was still taking them to me. This baffled me as it was his choice to start them. 10 days later he began drinking spirits alone in secret again for a month. He has since started back on antidepressants and is looking into AA. This is good, but I am certain that if he had not been caught he would’ve continued drinking and lying. Although he apologised profusely. He said that he did not think of how the lie would affect me and was not planning on coming clean before proposing to me this summer. I am contemplating walking away but it is so hard when our relationship is otherwise very happy. He is the only relationship I’ve ever had.

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 10/05/2024 22:04

I suspect he's been drinking spirits in secret for longer than you know op.

The thing with alcholism is he has to want to get help for himself. Even if he isn't suggesting it for your benefit...when he struggles, he will still use you as an excuse to fall off the wagon. He will tell himself his drinking was fine and he's only been trying to change because you are 'overreacting' about it.

The 'planning on proposing' thing is really not on either. It's really...twisty. Manipulative y'know. It's a 'shut up ring' promise (A ring given just to get you to fall back in line).

For me, the last couple of lies would have been too many. I'd probably have walked away after I heard about the fight tbh. But if not, that would have been his last chance to get help for himself and stick to it.

He just can't be trusted. And with no trust, there's no relationship.

BelindaOkra · 10/05/2024 22:10

It’s hard to tell whether he is serious about stopping. If he isn’t the lies etc will continue.

You may find al-anon helpful for yourself. https://al-anonuk.org.uk/

MugginsMcMugface · 11/05/2024 01:11

Leave

Monty27 · 11/05/2024 01:18

This is your future. If you stay.

Scintella · 11/05/2024 01:47

I have adhd ,possibly autism - medication reduced the need I had for alcohol and sugary food.

Seapsweetsesamethingy · 11/05/2024 02:47

My friend has finally told her DH she wants a divorce. She’s 60 and has three children and two grandchildren. He has a history of alcohol misuse and lying about it. It’s taken my friend years to finally wake up. She is full of regrets and deep sadness.

Don’t be my friend.

Georgie743 · 11/05/2024 02:49

Walk away. It won't get better.

There are lots of happy relationships out there without the dark cloud of addiction hanging over them.

Ladyj84 · 11/05/2024 03:03

Your happy 🤔 I wouldn't be happy years spent knowing someone's lied consistently and hidden things etc

SMC95 · 11/05/2024 08:04

Thanks for your responses

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 11/05/2024 09:05

There is no future for you with someone like he because he is an alcoholic. His primary relationship is with drink. Staying with him if you choose that path will be a huge mistake.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 11/05/2024 09:07

He is likely to be self medicating with alcohol. That and anti depressants are a bad mix and alcohol is also a depressant.

EmotionalSupportAutie · 11/05/2024 15:06

He's the only one who can fix him. You don't owe him that.
A relationship shouldn't be THAT hard

chelsea678 · 11/05/2024 15:24

This happened to me but I only noticed when I got pregnant with his child and I noticed he was drinking so often (obviously I wasn’t.) He stopped altogether or so I thought but I found empty bottles in his car after work and the ones in the house that I owned were filled with water. He would also drink squash and if I took a sip on a few occasions I realised it had gin in it - and I was pregnant and he watched me drink it and gaslit me saying it wasn’t alcohol!!!

We now have a child together and whilst he says he’s changed I know he still is probably drinking. I just think if someone can lie to you so often can you trust them? If they can lie about drinking multiple times then what else can they lie about?

I have now separated from him and am concerned about him drink driving when having our child - am thinking of buying a breathalyser.

Just because he’s dangled the idea of a proposal doesn’t mean you should go with him. My man had bought a ring and I wouldn’t even accept in the end. At the end of the day it’s really hard to make any changes in life ourselves let alone expect someone else to do that.

Do you really want to forever be finding out he’s slipped up again. You’ll end up having kids and dealing with a big man child at the same time like I am. Consider your options.

notofthisWorld11 · 11/05/2024 15:32

Well, the good side of this is that he has taken measures to help himself with the counselling and medication and now seems willing to go to AA, which I would recommend. This could be a game-changer. He hasn't, like so many alcoholics remained in denial. On the other hand, you're dragged into this awful disease. I would, in your situation, go with him to an open AA meeting. If things don't improve, you leaving him (even if only temporarily) could be enough of a shock for him to change. Sounds like your relationship is very good otherwise and would be such a shame to lose that.

mummyofhyperDD · 11/05/2024 16:06

I was young and naive about alcoholism when I met my ex husband, 25 years later I wish I had walked away. It is very hard to recover from alcoholism, it's better to have a child alone than with an alcoholic who will - as lovely as your boyfriend may now be - ultimately put alcohol before your child, leaving you and your child hurt - emotionally and financially certainly
That his alcoholism is so serious at such a young age does not bode well at all

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